Depression hurts

I hate feeling like this. Depressed. I hate the highs and lows I seem to go through. I have, for the most part, gotten it under control. I have more good days than bads lately but when I go down, I go down hard. I haven't been sleeping well lately at all and I am completely exhausted. I skipped out early on lab yesterday because I was just too tired to sit there any longer. I came home, got ready for bed, and laid there for hours. I can't turn off my thoughts. They keep getting stuck on her.

I had lunch with a mutual friend of mine and hers yesterday and he kept asking me questions about what happened. I thought everyone already knew all the details but apparently not. Most people only know the basics. Her and her husband were killed by a drunk driver on Christmas night. Her husband was trying to be responsible and called her to come pick him up from their neighborhood bar (less than a mile away from their house) because he was too drunk to drive home. Ironic isn't it?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there aren't many people that know all the details. I really wish I didn't. Unfortunately I know things I can't get out of my head. And when my thoughts finally do settle down enough to be able to sleep at night, I get asked about it from someone who, for some reason, wants to know. I wish I could just hand them the information and be rid of it.

It's not only that though, the thoughts surrounding her death and how they died. It's everything that happened before then between us that really makes it hard for me. It's the falling out. The circumstances that lead to us not speaking for 4 months before she died. Everything that happened a year before then that put such a strain on our friendship. I keep going through the "what-if's" in my head constantly. What if I had gone to her house the day she decided to end our friendship to straighten everything out. Instead, being extremely hormonal and 3 days postpartem (yes I said days. I got the call the day I got home from the hospital after giving birth to my daughter), I got angry and pissed and thought screw her, I don't need her anymore.

Truth is though, that I do need her. I need her so much. I feel so lost without her telling me I am doing the right thing, or smacking me on the side of the head and asking me what the hell I am thinking. I need her here with me to vent to, to call when something exciting happens, to be proud of me for what I am doing, or tell me I have completely lost it.

I miss her so much and it hurts. It really hurts. It's been over a year since she has been gone and the pain hasn't lessened any. Things haven't gotten any easier.

I need my friend.