Jumping in head first…well, sort of

It’s more like jumping in head first, with a life preserver on.

We are bad with our money. REALLY bad. We have been doing really good over the past year at paying off our debt (about $10,000 so far) but only because we have sold things (the four wheeler) or put any extra money we get toward it (tax return, Christmas money, etc) We haven’t really set followed a budget like we should have. Even though we have paid off this debt, for some reason we still end up living paycheck to paycheck. We spend money as if we had our very own money tree growing nice and healthy in the backyard. If the money is in the bank, we feel as if it is meant to be spent on something.

We are putting a stop to that now though. Killing off the proverbial money tree. This weekend, we opened up another account, where all of my paychecks along with anything extra my husband gets from side jobs or the fire department will be deposited from now on. It’s a small credit union, where there aren’t 50,000 ATM’s on every corner of the street, so access to said account will be somewhat of a pain – we chose to forgo the check cards that come with it for even harder access.

The point of all of this is to throw ourselves into the water, without really worrying too much about drowning. We will see how we can manage to live off of my husband’s income alone, and find out how creative we can really get with our money. So far we barely make it with both of our incomes, even though the budget says we don’t really need mine. This is going to be a great test. The other benefit of us doing this, is that while my money sits there, untouched, it will continue to build and give us a nice cushion for when I quit working in July for a few months, and hopefully sit there until I need it for Nursing School next Spring.

So wish us luck! I am really hoping that we can manage this and not give in.

Oh and if you have any hints about how we can curb our spending and save some money, bring em’ on! I would love to hear your ideas.

Saturday Night Epiphany

I just read a post on another blog that really got me thinking. I have been sitting here contemplating the decisions I have made and where they have landed me in life so far. Wondering how I could have made them differently and imagining where I would be now if I had made different choices.

I have also been trying so hard to make sure that the choices I am making now will not leave me with regret like it seems the choices I had made previously have.

But why?

What is the point of looking back at life and wishing it away? What’s wrong with looking at where I am now and actually enjoying it? Sure, there are some things that make me unhappy. There are some things I want to change. I’m sure everyone has something in their life that they wish they could change. Is that a reason to want to time travel to change everything? To agonize over choices that were made years ago? How can anyone actually enjoy life while constantly looking back at what they did wrong?

A commenter on one of my previous posts pointed out that there will always be things to stand in our way and that sometimes it is best to just jump in. I think he is absolutely right. Sometimes headfirst is the way to go. Without thinking too much about consequences, or regret. Just jump.

I think it is time I stopped worrying about how things will turn out and just enjoy the ride. Stop wasting my life away wondering how different it could have been and start living my life by enjoying what is.


Look at life through the windshield, not the rearview mirror ~ Byrd Baggett

Why can't you just eat the crust, kid?

I don’t understand why my daughter refuses to eat her crust. I have now resorted to playing the mean mommy card and I will not cut the crust off for her. Not that it helps, she just peels it off herself anyways.




This has really got to stop though. Remember my completely awful I-wish-I-could-erase-from-my-memory Friday? What you don’t know is that it got even better (worse?). The icing on the cake was when I got in my car after my Dr appointment to head to get a chest X-Ray. As soon as I sat down RRRIIIIIIPPPPPP. That’s right, my pants ripped. And not a tiny tear by any means. My ass was hanging out all over the place. Not exactly appropriate for going into an imaging center with. Thankfully I was close to home so I just ran home and changed real quick. My ever so lovely daughter felt that it was a good time to point out that “you are not getting fat mom, you are just growing” Thanks kid.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I got home and changed into something more casual for class (I have to dress all businessy for work). I squat down to grab my shoes and guess what. Yep. My other pair of pants ripped. Right in the ass.



Thankfully these were both just cheap Target jeans. I would have been pissed if they were my favorite pair of American Eagle jeans. Those are still hanging nicely in my closet collecting dust though. I can’t seem to fit into them anymore even though my “I just had a baby” excuse is now almost 19 months old.

So dear sweet daughter, will you please eat your crust so I don’t have to anymore? (you know, starving kids in Africa and all) My jeans would really appreciate it.

Made a decision...at least for now...

I spent the better part of the day and evening yesterday trying to figure out what direction I need to go in and after a lengthy discussion with my husband:

Me: So this is what I am going to do.

Him: Ok sweetie whatever you want, I just want you to stop changing your damn mind already!

I think I have finally figured it out.

I just can't stay in my job much longer. I feel like it is one of the main sources of frustration and unhappiness for me right now. I am tired of the politics and crap and boredom. I changed positions in my company hoping that it would help and while it did for a few months, I just can't do it anymore. While I can deal with my co-workers a whole hell of a lot better than I could in my last position, crap from my old position keeps coming up and I am tired of dealing with everything (on the plus side, I have really learned how to cover my ass during all this which might be helpful in my future nursing career. Right?) I really do not like what I am doing at all. (I might have to go get my eyes checked again as I think I am going blind from looking at these spreadsheets all.freakin.day.long)

So this is the plan. I have until July to save up as much money as I possibly can to cover for me being jobless for 1-2 months. I will quit my job in July and take the evening CNA course and take my PE credit that I need for The Program during the day. Hopefully they will post grades for my PE course in just enough time for me to meet the Spring 2011 application deadline. I might even be able to get away with taking a 6 week Micro course during the day as well but that thought just popped into my head and has not been researched until my eyes bleed yet so I will table that one for now.

Hopefully by the end of August, once I take and pass my CNA exam and become certified, I can find a job quickly and start working as a CNA and by October I will have my acceptance letter to the Spring 2011 Nursing Program.

So there you have it. The newly revised plan of action.

Hopefully I can make it 3 more months in this job...

Doubts

Warning: Another “Boo Hoo” post ahead.

I am starting to wonder what the hell I am doing and why. I feel like I might just be trying to reach for something just because it sounds good and it is such a huge change from where I am now. Something different. I don’t doubt that I can get through NS. Not at all. I know it will be tough. I know it will be a challenge, and one that I feel I am ready for, however, part of me thinks that I have a bad case of “the grass is always greener” syndrome. (is that an actual dx? I think it should be if it isn’t.) Part of me thinks that I might be doing this just to get out of where I am now and to try to change myself into something I am afraid that I just can’t be.

I worry that I will end up in the same situation I am in currently, only more educated and in more debt. I’m struggling to find my real reasons for pushing through all of this. I do feel like health care has been “calling” me for a while. I took health science electives all through high school and went straight into the EMT program right after I graduated. I got out as soon as I got my certification though, although not because I didn’t like it. Mostly it was because I wanted to grow up way too fast. The health care field was never far from my mind during my “hiatus”. I just feel that maybe I have grabbed a hold of this career change so tightly because I am so lost. I feel that I am putting my family through so much and I worry that in the end, it will all be for naught. I will be just as miserable and depressed as I am now.

I’m really struggling to figure out what I want along with balancing what’s best for our family. Truth be told, if I could, I would walk up to my boss and hand in my resignation right this very second, then go home and veg out for a few weeks before I got bored and wondered what I was going to do next. And really, we could get by if I did that, with A LOT of sacrificing on everyone’s part but the guilt I would feel from causing all that hardship would eat at me just as much as waking up every morning and coming to this job does.

I’m not going to give up on this though. I just wish there was a way of knowing that this was the right thing for me. I just wish that life was a tad bit easier right now.

Friday

As I was blog surfing this week I came across a meme that I thought would be fun to start doing.

Feel Good Friday (which I first found here, but originates from here). I know I have been a bit of a downer lately and I figured since I can’t promise that I won’t be from now on, I could at least promise a bit of good cheer every so often.

However, after the morning I have had, I just can’t find much to feel good about today so I am aptly renaming it (just for this week only…or maybe not, we’ll see):

F@!K Me Friday

So here are my 5 things that I felt screwed up my Friday/week/doesn’t-matter-cause-either-way-you-look-at-it-life-sucks-at-the-moment.

1. This morning:
Dear Sweet Daughter: “Mom! Are you ever going to wake up today?!?”
Me: “Huh? What? What time is…..” looks at the clock and sees that it is 8:00am “SHIT!! I mean SHOOT! – don’t ever say that word ok honey.” I jump out of bed, shower, and get ready in a record 30 minutes. That’s right, I am supposed to be at WORK at 8am. Not being woken up from a sound sleep by my daughter who by the way, had been up for quite some time just chilling out watching cartoons.

2. Get all the kids stuff and my stuff and every other stuff loaded into the car and head to my mom’s to drop off the girls. Realize when I get to my mothers, that out of all the stuff I packed in the car, I forgot to grab my laptop for work. SHIT! SHOOT! Back home I go to get it.

3. Finally get on the road and headed to work. Enjoy a nice quiet drive laughing at the DJ’s on my favorite radio station. Bad start to the morning but hey, it’s Friday and it’s all good now right? That is until I REAR END someone right in front of my office. Apparently when you are merging into traffic, it is a pretty good idea to make sure the person in front of you has merged before you begin your own merge. Silly me. My victims are fine. I am fine. My car is fine. Their car, eh, not so fine (opps). Thank goodness for insurance. So much for my clean driving record.

4. By now it’s 10:00. My nerves are on high alert. I shakingly walk into the office, plug in my laptop, open my Inbox and an alert pops up “Content Team Meeting – 2 hours overdue” FML. Our first team meeting that my boss really wanted everyone to be at and I missed it. Great. Way to go Ace.

5. As if all of that isn’t bad enough, I am STILL sick. Every time I breathe my chest rattles and makes me cough. My ears are clogged and I can’t hear anything. There is so much pressure in my head I feel like it is going to explode any minute. My eyes are so tired from looking at this same damn spreadsheet all week long that I feel that if I don’t get a break from this I will be permanently cross-eyed.

Happy fucking Friday.

Maybe next Friday will feel better.

Down with the sickness

The Husband is out of town for the week. Everyone else is sick. What a great way to spend Spring Break right? We really didn’t have anything planned anyways but I would rather not spend my much needed break from school stuck in the house with the Head Cold From Hell. Both of my girls have ear infections. We are all pretty miserable. Well, everyone but The Husband who is pretty much getting as far away from the sickness as he possibly can. Can’t say I blame him though. I would run far, far, away if I had the chance. On the plus side, at least this happened at a time where I didn’t have to worry about school.

Setbacks

So I have encountered somewhat of a setback in my plans for Nursing School. I am one credit short of what I need to get the full points to be competitive enough to get in to The Program. I thought I would be able to get this one credit (PE) out of the way during the May mini-term. It’s not looking like they are going to offer what I need during that time though. I have a few options, none of which are ideal, so I am struggling to figure out what to do now.

Option 1: Take a course that starts on the 22nd of this month. It is a hybrid course where all the book work is done online, however I am required to log 30 hours in 7 weeks at their workout facility. Doesn’t seem like too much of a big deal right? Well, here’s the thing: the facility I will have to go to is about 45 min to an hour away. I work a full time job PLUS I have my A&P class Tue and Thurs nights along with my online Art class that is also starting on the 22nd, and let’s not forget my kids I would like to see every now and then. In order to get in the full 30 hours I will need to leave work on Mon & Wed and haul ass to this place and put in at least 2 hours each time. I will also need to go on Saturdays. I will basically be gone all week long and I will never see my kids. The good thing about this class is that I can pretty much set my own schedule as far as workouts and it is flexible. Problem with that is that it might be TOO flexible and there could be a chance I wouldn’t get in enough hours.

Option 2: Take a late summer course that starts in July and goes until the end of August. This class is Monday – Thursday evening from 6-8pm. This one is at a campus that isn’t quite as far as the first option, but it is still a good ways away from home and work. Also, this class is cutting it really close to the deadline for applications for the Spring 2011 program. It would be risky in that if they don’t post the grades from this class in time, I would be screwed. Again, with this schedule, I would never see my kids.

Option 3: Take my 4 credit Micro class starting during the early summer which runs for 12 weeks on Tue and Thurs. The problem with this one is that it starts the week we have planned our Disney vacation (which has already been booked and paid for) I could risk missing the first week of class and hope that I won’t get dropped or fall too behind from the very beginning.

Option 4: Cancel our Disney trip. This one I really don’t want to do. The girls are already super excited about going and it will be our last big family vacation before things start getting rough for us financially due to me quitting my job.

Option 5: Put NS on hold until the Fall of 2011, still quit my job in December, and take a CNA course next Spring. This one is a tough one for me. I really don’t want to put NS on hold any longer than I really have to BUT I think getting my CNA prior to starting NS can be really beneficial. I would be getting some experience in healthcare before starting NS, which as my husband says, would be able to tell me if this is something I really want to do or not. Plus, it might be something I could continue doing while in NS which will really help us out financially. It might be naive of me to think this, but it might even give me a leg up with finding a job after NS since I would have some previous experience.

I am so unsure of which road to take. Do I sacrifice the time with my children in order to get into The Program as planned? Do I put it on hold for just a bit longer and gain some sort of experience that would hopefully help me someday but also comes with me not having a significant income for longer than expected? I hate having to make decisions like this. Why can’t anything ever be easy?

It's the little things

I got the results from the test I had to take in A&P II during the trial last week. You know, the one I was worried about even making it to? Yeah that one. There were only 4 A’s in the entire class on that test. Highest grade was a 92, lowest grade was a 64 with an average of about 80. I was slightly worried when I heard all this since I thought the test was pretty easy. In fact, I was the first one done (and I even sat there for about 15 minutes with my head on my desk before I turned it in trying NOT to be the first one done). I was starting to panic, thinking “did I go to fast?” “Did I pay attention to the questions enough?” I mean obviously it wasn’t as easy as I thought it was since so many people failed it (or came pretty damn close to failing it) right?

Guess what? That 64. The lowest grade in the class? Nope, not mine.

That 92. The highest grade in the class. Yep, that was mine.

HOLY SHIT!! I did it! Under all that pressure and stress and I managed to pull off the highest grade in the class. I was so freakin excited! Now, I realize that a 92 isn’t THAT great, but when a 92 means I kicked everyone else’s ass on that test (especially the smarty pants girl who thinks she knows EVERYTHING), it makes me feel fanfreakintastic.

What now?

I’m sorry about all the whining lately. I am trying so hard to get past all of this but it is so difficult. I feel like they died all over again and now I am left to start rebuilding things once more. I’m not really sure how to deal with this. I would normally try to ignore everything and push it down deep and move on. That has proven not to be the greatest thing for me though as I tend to explode after holding things in for so long. So then I have been trying to let it all out and deal with it head on. I’m not sure this is the greatest thing either as it has been consuming my every thought - not to mention I have been a blubbery mess at work all day long and I am SO not a public crier. I wish I could figure out how to get to a happy medium where I am not holding it all in but I am not letting it consume me either. I obviously need to learn better coping mechanisms.

I really wish I had my friend here to talk to about this. She always had such great advice for how to help me deal with my crazy emotions. Of course if she was here, I wouldn't be feeling this way right now.

I think I just need to stay busy. Busy doesn’t allow for time to wallow. Busy doesn’t allow for too much thought. Busy keeps my mind occupied and gives me something to do with myself. So I will stay busy. I will immerse myself in my children and school and hell, I think I might even take up gardening.

Someone please pass the Prozac.

Injustice

On December 26th, 2008, 42 minutes after Christmas, my best friends were killed by a drunk driver.

On March 4th, 2010, their killer was sentenced to 8 years in prison.

4 years each count.

4 years for each life taken.

How is that justice? What kind of message are we sending to people? That it's ok to drink and drive and kill someone because you will only get a slap on the wrist? As I was sitting in the courtroom, I saw a drug offender get 4 years in prison, I saw a man who broke and entered two houses get sentenced to 7 years in prison. Because my friends chose to do the right thing by her picking him up because he had been drinking, they paid the ultimate price. They are dead and their killer will be out of prison before she is 30. Their killer will have the opportunity to have children of her own, to live her life with less than an 8 year hiccup.

I am absolutely furious. I cannot even begin to reconcile what happened. I do not understand how a jury can lessen someone's life so much and still be able to sleep at night.

86 miles per hour in a 40 mph zone. 3 times the legal limit. Both of my friends were internally decapitated and had their hearts torn so badly there was no way either would have survived. She got a bump on her head and broke her leg.

She had 5 football fields in length to stop when her light turned red. Even at the speed she was going, she would have only needed 1 to stop her car. Not only that, if she would have turned her wheel slightly to the right, my friends would still be alive today.

Tomorrow

The trial starts.

I'm not sure I am ready for the inevitable emotional exhaustion. On top of all this I am trying to study for my A&P Midterm which is tomorrow. We have to rush out of the courthouse at 5 and try to make it home in time for me to make it to class at 6. If anyone knows Big City traffic here, they know that is next to impossible. I'd be lucky if we made it home in 2 hours. Thankfully I talked to my instructor and he said it would be ok for me to show up late and still be able to take the test. I'm a pretty quick test taker so I don't think losing out on time will hurt me too much. It is the mental block I have already that I am worried about. I have been trying to study and I just can't focus. I have to push through though. I have to do well on this test in spite of everything else. I know C. I know she wouldn't want me to risk any of this. Part of the reason I decided on Nursing was because of her so I HAVE to make this work.

I WILL make this work.