Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Orientation tomorrow!!!!

That's right people. Tomorrow is the first day that Nursing School will officially own my ass. From 8am-3pm (more like 7am since I am an overachiever and must get there that early) I will be living and breathing nothing but Nursing School. I have all these thoughts in my head about what we must be discussing for 7 freakin' hours but honestly, I have no idea and I really don't care. I AM IN NURSING SCHOOL!!! They could hold me hostage for 7 hours doing nothing but staring at the walls and I won't care. (ok, I would probably care).

I am thrilled. So many are nervous but I can't even get a little nervous. The excitement over me being an actual NURSING STUDENT is overwhelming any kind of nervousness I might have. I realize I am nuts. I realize I am getting excited over what could possibly be the most torturous and financially damaging two years of my life but I can't help myself. I have never been one to have too many goals in life so the fact that I am actually realizing one that I set for myself over a year ago makes me crazy.

Let's see how my story changes tomorrow once I realize what I am in for.

(I realize I used the word realize about 100 times in this post but I am too lazy to go find new words to use)

Monday, November 29, 2010

Dreams are what you make of them

Ever have one of those dreams that just shakes you to the core? You know the ones. Where it is so vivid that it feels like reality? Where you can still recall almost every detail of the dream days later?

A few nights ago I dreamt of Her. It has been a while since I have had a dream where she has been in it. They used to happen almost every night but two years later, they are few and far between. In this one, she wasn’t dead. Her husband was the only one that died that night. She wasn’t even involved in the crash. I have noticed my dreams go back and forth between one or the other surviving, but never both.

I was in some kind of fancy hotel lounge/bar. There must have been an event that had just gone on or something because it had that look of desertion. You could tell someone had gone through some trouble to meticulously decorate only to find by the end of the night, nobody really cared enough about the details. Flowers in the vases were wilting, tablecloths were wrinkled and used, chairs were out of place. It was beautiful nonetheless. I must have attended some kind of event myself as I was wearing a black dress. I didn’t notice until later however, that I was not wearing any shoes.

As I walked into this place, I noticed her sitting at a table with a man. I heard her telling him that she doesn’t know how she is going to make it without her husband. That she cannot live without him. The same line she told me in the past. When she was alive. I walked straight over to her and interrupted her conversation with him and sat down at the table. I could tell they were both slightly irritated. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to sort out our differences and talk about what happened between us. I wanted to ask her if she forgave me. I ordered a drink from the waitress who walked up to us as I sat down. She asked for my ID and as I looked into my wallet I noticed it was missing. I kept looking for it, always going back to that spot in my wallet that was supposed to hold it. Never anywhere else, as if it would just show up there if I looked enough times.

I told her I would be right back, I was going to my car to see if it was there. I left my purse but took my wallet. I still kept looking in that spot as I ran down this long wide lobby. There were people on all sides just staring at me as I ran, frantically looking in my wallet. They all seemed to be judging me, or laughing at me, or feeling sorry for me. I couldn’t really tell. I felt this overwhelming urge to find it and get back to her. I had so many important things I needed to tell her.

I never made it back. I woke up before I left the lobby, before I could make it to my car. I felt sadness when I woke. My dreams are the only time I get to see her anymore and they are so short. Most of the time they are like this. Frantic. Searching for answers to questions that will never be answered.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this dream. It seems so silly doesn’t it? It wasn’t anything special really. I kept wondering why this one has stuck with me so much. Until today.

I had to show my ID to someone and as I opened my wallet to pull it out, I noticed the fortune I have had since shortly after she died. The fortune I keep in my wallet, right on top of my ID in the little window so I can always see it.

“Joy will come with the return of a good friend”

I have no idea what this means. I have never been one to fully believe in “signs” from the dead. It could absolutely be my subconscious playing mean tricks on me. Then again, I did get that fortune right after she died, and in my dream I was searching my wallet, going back to that exact spot over and over and over again.

I have always thought the fortune meant someone I already knew. Someone who was already a friend but had lost touch with, and even had hopes that in some way, it would be Her. Maybe though, it means that good friendship will return, not necessarily in someone I already know, but in someone new. I will once again have that kind of friendship I so greatly miss with Her. Maybe she was telling me that I will, in fact, find my “person” and be happy again.

Or maybe I so desperately want and need a friend that my subconscious is making me go crazy.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dear Santa,

I have been very good this year…

Ah hell, you and I both know that isn’t true. Here’s my list anyways*.

Saunders Comprehensive Review for the NCLEX-RN®
Anything titled “_____ Made Incredibly Easy”
New watch
Good pair of shoes – I’ll get back to you on the specifics.
Nice Fancy Littmann Stethoscope
A Spygmohoweveryouspellitmeter – You know, the BP dohicky
Davis Drug Guide
Taber’s Medical Dictionary
More Money

*I herby claim my right to add to or adjust this list as necessary. Any and all suggestions will be taken into consideration and added to this list as I see fit.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Random Thoughts

I need to stick a pen and notepad next to my bed. While I am lying there awake, trying like hell to fall asleep and failing miserably, all these things start running through my head about what I want to post about. The next morning, after about 3 hours of mediocre sleep, I have forgotten everything.

Nice isn’t it?

I made the phone call today to the Nursing Home where I did my clinicals. (Yes, just today). The lady I needed to speak with didn’t answer so I left a message. Hopefully she will call back. If not, I will try to get myself to call again tomorrow or maybe I can even try to get myself to go up there.

Do you know just making that phone call caused a TON of anxiety? I really hate that I am like that. I finally talked to my Dr about it and he gave me a prescription for Metaprolol to be taken as needed. He said take it about an hour before I go to class and it should help with the racing heart, shakes, sweats, etc. Anyone have any thoughts/experience with this? Apparently, treating anxiety is an off label use of this med.

This weekend I am meeting a few of the others who were accepted into the program. I’m really hoping I click with at least one of them or this is going to be a long, lonely ride.

I find that I am not as nervous/stressed out about starting NS as I thought I would be. I started a FB group so those of us that have been accepted can start chatting and share ideas/thoughts/ask questions and it seems like most are freaking out already. Should I be freaking out too? I just feel so “meh” about the whole thing right now.

All of that might have to do with the fact that I am so sick of school. My Micro class is going ok, and I actually find it pretty interesting, but I am so over it. I find that I have to drag myself to class nowadays and any little excuse to not go I jump on. I have actually missed more classes this semester than I have since I went back to school over a year ago.

I still hate this housewife/stay at home mom gig and I still can’t cook. I have resorted to buying those frozen family dinners and warming those up every night rather than trying to cook like a normal person. I think I am going to test out a few crock pot recipes I have found though. We’ll see how that goes.

And that’s about the best I can do right now. I really hope the blogging bug comes back to bite me on the ass because I really miss blogging.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Now it’s time to relax

Halloween is now over and I finally get to sit down. Our party was the best one yet and everyone had a great time. Hopefully this means I can have more time to focus on the blog now that I have no parties to plan. :p

I had planned on contacting the hiring manager at the LTC facility I did my clinicals at but I never made the time to do it. I am hoping I get off my ass long enough in the next week to finally get that done. Along with that, I have all my paperwork for the nursing program ready to turn in, I just haven’t gotten around to dropping it off yet. Probably should think about doing that soon too.

For now though, I will leave you with a few pics from our spectacular Halloween festivities. Our theme this year was "Voodoo on the Bayou":

My costume (I made it myself this year)

My husband and I:

We built a "bayou" on our driveway. This was before I added all the plants and snakes and whatnot:

And after it was finished:

The infamous coffin ice chest:

And finally, my girls and I before we headed out to trick or treat on Halloween night.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Oh yeah, guess what

I have been so busy slacking on my blogging that I forgot to tell you all that I PASSED MY CNA EXAM!

Yep, that’s right, you are now reading the blog of an official CNA. Don’t you feel special now?

Yeah, I know. Not really. That’s ok though.

I have been trying to decide what I want to do with myself now that I am an official Certified Nursing Assistant. Do I want to try like hell to get into a hospital? Do I want to just suck it up and do my time in a LTC facility? Do I even want to work as a CNA?

My instructor quit working for the college and ended up getting a PRN position as the Nursing Supervisor working weekends on the rehab side of the place we did clinicals at. I talked to her and she said she would put in a good word for me there, I can use her as a reference and that she would love to work with me. I just have to contact the hiring manager there and let her know I would like the job and I’m almost 95% sure I can get it. If I do get it, it would be perfect really. I would only accept a PRN position (so I can be flexible with NS) and would probably only work on the weekends.

So why haven’t I contacted her yet? I have no idea.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Chicken and the nervous breakdown

I tried to bake a whole chicken last night. I failed miserably and ended up having a nervous breakdown.

Yes, over chicken.

Ok, there was more to it than the chicken but it was the catalyst that brought it on.

I suck at being a housewife. I can’t cook for shit. I suck at keeping the house clean. Mt. Washmore was not nearly as big as when I was working a “real” job and my little one has been driving me absolutely insane. I can’t hack it as a stay at home mom. I don’t have what it takes. It’s not that the job is hard (sorry all you SAHM out there, it really isn’t), it’s just that I have no desire to do any of it. I don’t want to cook, clean, and otherwise sit at home. I don’t miss the adult interaction of a real job, I never talked to anyone anyways, I just don’t like doing the housewife stuff.

My husband was telling me the other day about how the wife of his fire captain (who just had a baby) wasn’t going to be going back to work. Apparently this woman is fanfreakintastic because he just HAD to tell me how she gets up at 5 in the morning to make her husband some bacon for breakfast, or slow cooks some chicken so he can take it to the station with him when he goes. I am not living up to my end of the bargain obviously.

So, after cooking my chicken for over 2 hours, the kids screaming at me that they are starving, my chicken still being raw, and any hope of that perfectly roasted chicken sitting on the perfectly set table being totally destroyed, I just broke down. Right there in the kitchen. I completely lost it.

And then we went out to eat (yet again).

Monday, October 11, 2010

Kids say the BEST things!!

Last night, my MIL was telling me about a conversation that had occured the day before between my oldest daughter and her cousin.

Cousin: "You know the brain has hundreds, no, MILLIONS of..."

Daughter: " Wait! Wait! Wait! No! Stop! Don't tell me.

I want my mom to tell me. She is going to be a nurse."

Yep, definitely a proud mommy moment.

Friday, October 8, 2010

My favorite time of year!

It's true, I have gone AWOL.

I have a good reason though! Really, I do.

Halloween is my all time FAVORITE time of year. We do it up big. We put on a huge party, make all the neighbors think we have gone nuts, and warp our kids into thinking skeletons laying around the house are "normal" (is it really so wrong that your two year old runs around the house with a skeleton hand asking for high fives? Or that your 6 year old likes to lay in the graveyard out front and play dead? Nah, I didn't think so either.)

I thought I would share some of this years decorating progress since it has pretty much consumed me lately.

We'll start with the front yard during the day (and yes, that is my oldest playing dead):

Next, some night shots:

And now, the interior:

So what do you think? I still have a lot of work to do but I am super excited with how it is coming together this year.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Results are in...

It's Just Me S.N.

I'm in!!!!! I'm in, I'm in, I'm in!!!!!

Holy shit. I am now officially a Student Nurse!!

What the hell just happened?

Monday, September 27, 2010

It's worse than a kid waiting for Christmas morning

No letter yet. I waited and waited and stalked the mailman all day on Saturday and there was nothing but bills there. I hope it comes today. I can't stand this waiting. I need to know if I am in or not.

This is making me crazy.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


"Acceptance/Denial letters are being mailed starting September 24, 2010 for the Spring 2011 ADN program."

All together now...


That's tomorrow people.


I wasn't expecting any news for at least another two weeks or so. Tomorrow? That means I could possibly be getting my letter by Saturday at the earliest.

Time to commence "Mailman Stalking" (or mailperson for all you PC people out there)

Monday, September 13, 2010

I think my nerves are getting to me

I'm freaking out a little and I think it is finally starting to show. I'm short with my kids and husband, I always seem to be grumpy these days, I feel like I have lost my focus, I have no motivation to do anything, and worst of all, I am breaking out like a teenager hitting puberty.

My college only accepts 30 students into The Program for the Spring semester. There are 15 people that I know of that have higher scores than me. That doesn't include the other 100's of applicants that I don't know their scores. Who know's how many are really ahead of me.

I have no idea what will happen if I don't make it in. It will be a huge crushing blow to my ego that's for sure. I finally heard from work and they have found someone so my nice work at home job will end on Friday and along with that, so will the paychecks.

At this point I suppose the only thing I can do is wait and keep my fingers crossed hoping that I didn't rush into this and quit my nice paying corporate job for nothing. I can't help but worry that I did though.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Scrub Envy

Remember back in high school? Back when all the “popular girls” were the envy of all the other girls in the school? When you secretly paid attention to what they wore and only wished you could look as cool as them?

Ok, maybe it was just me??

I have noticed during my last year taking pre-reqs for my program that whenever someone walks in wearing scrubs, all the heads turn in their direction. I can just see them thinking to themselves “OMG, look at her. She’s wearing scrubs. Wonder if she works at a hospital? In a Dr office? How lucky is she?” Everyone gathers around her and quizzes this donner of the Sacred Scrubs, on just exactly why she is wearing them and then sits back and daydreams about the day when they get to be Just.Like.Her.


Ok, again, maybe it’s just me?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

In Limbo

I’m still here. (Thanks for checking on me Marianne) :) I’ve just be in sort of a limbo state. My CNA class is over and I don’t take my state exam until October 12th. My application for NS is in so there is nothing left to do but wait (albeit impatiently). I am in my second week of my Micro class and I am really enjoying it. I am still employed part time at my old job even though I haven’t heard anything from my boss in over 3 weeks. (Not that I mind the paychecks). I heard from a co-worker that my replacement started on Tuesday but I have heard nothing from my boss. (again, I will keep accepting the check until I hear otherwise). Aside from the big Halloween party I am planning, life has been pretty uneventful these past few weeks.

I have also been feeling a bit down and haven’t been able to shake it. Maybe I need to get back to blogging regularly to help my mood?

Monday, August 30, 2010

There's a party in my tummy!!

Have I ever told you how much I love party planning? Well if not, now you know.

Seriously, other than Nursing, I would absolutely LOVE to be a professional party planner. Corporate events, kid’s birthdays, adult parties, weddings, whatever. There is something amazing about planning a fantastic party, then seeing all your hard work come together for a few hours of fun. Plus I love that feeling I get when people talk about my parties for months afterwards. I love it when people come to me for ideas for their own parties and I get to help them out. There is something therapeutic about working for hours on all the little details of a party and then bringing them all together.

I chose Nursing instead because it is less risky than starting my own business. Plus, I am not the type to go out and beg for business so I would probably get nowhere fast. I wish I could team up with an outgoing person who could do all the face to face work while I sit behind the scenes and plan. That would be perfect. Unfortunately, I have yet to come across a person who shares my passion for parties as much as I do and who wouldn’t mind being in the trenches so to speak. Yet another downfall to my extremely introverted personality.

I share all this with you because this is what I am filling my time with while I wait. Wait for my acceptance letter, wait for my state CNA exam to be scheduled, wait for Nursing school to start.

First up was my daughter’s second birthday party. Where I normally start planning these a few months in advance, this one I kinda threw together at the last minute. It was the first time I have attempted to make my own cake/cupcakes and I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself for how they turned out.

(For those of you scratching your heads, wondering what the hell that is - check out Yo Gabba Gabba ) The party also went off pretty well too. Everyone had a great time, and Brynn absolutely LOVED every minute of it.

Next is our big annual Halloween party. I am fortunate that my husband loves this holiday as much as I do and puts up with our parties getting bigger and bigger every year. This one is usually the talk of our circle of friends for months before and months afterward. I have already started getting questions about what this year’s theme is going to be, I haven’t released it yet (gotta keep them in suspense for a little bit longer while I work out more details) but they all seem pretty excited about it already. This year I am attempting to make my own costume as well which is turning out to be pretty interesting considering I have never used a sewing machine before. It is also turning out to be more challenging since I am jobless and we are on a pretty tight budget. Normally I go crazy. This year I have to figure out how to put on a fabulous party, while sticking to a slim budget.

So there you have it. If you were wondering what has been going on with me, now you know. Don’t be surprised if my blog gets filled up with my Halloween projects while I wait, and wait and wait and wait. I have GOT to keep myself busy or I am going to go insane with anxiety.

Monday, August 23, 2010

More waiting...

I wasn't able to take the test yesterday as planned. I had to pay for the test before I was able to take it and I totally spaced that the business office would be closed on Sundays.

I did take it this morning though, even after all signs pointed to maybe it wasn't a good day to take it. (Running around getting my daughter ready for her first day of school, waking up to shit and vomit all over my office from the dog we are taking care of, the little one waking up SCREAMING and just being a complete crab all morning) I am happy to say that I score 100% on the math portion of the test, which was obviously the one I focused all my studying on and was also the one I was most nervous about.

I did not do as well on the reading part though. This was the only section that counted towards our entrance scores. I got a 91.3%, still pretty good, but I was hoping for a better score. I am a little disappointed in myself. It is what it is though right?

This means I am applying to the Spring 2011 nursing program with a 11.652 out of 12 points.

I really hope it is good enough. Normally I wouldn't be worried, but the scores are REALLY high this time.

So now I wait. Wait for my score to populate in the system, then once I turn in my application, I wait for my acceptance/denial letter to come in the mail.

The next two months are going to be torturous.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Send me your good luck thoughts!!!

I go in tomorrow to take my HESI. I have put it off long enough. This is the only thing that is standing between me and nursing school.

I'm freaking out a bit.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

And That's That.

I am two days away from the end of this hellish summer semester. I just finished up my last three discussion posts and my last quiz for my pharm class. I am so glad to be done with that class. Even though I might have pulled an A out of my ass (I’m sitting at a 90 before the last three posts are graded), I am sad to say I have learned pretty much nothing. I will most definitely be taking this class again once I get into the program. Nice waste of time and money that was.

My stinky (literally) PE class ends with a fitness test tomorrow (woo hoo! <-- sarcasm) and a final on Thursday. I plan on taking the dreaded HESI test on Saturday and hopefully I will be putting in my application for the Spring 2011 nursing program by this time next week.

My CNA class is still moving along. We are finished with the lecture portion and I have three more days of clinicals left. I won’t be able to take my state exam until sometime toward the end of September though. I am still at odds with what I want to do with it. I know getting a job at the nursing home I am at now will be fairly easy but the more time I spend there, even though I have come to like some of the residents, I really don’t see myself happy working there. I have glanced through some job postings at the local hospitals and most want 6 months to a year of experience. (should I have expected any differently?) I think I am just going to apply anyways. Why the hell not right?


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Confusing First Clinical Experience

Hello there! Long time no post. I know. Shame on me. I have been SLAMMED with school/work/kids/sickness for the past few weeks. Only a few more weeks to go until this crazy semester is over then it is on to the next one (which will hopefully be a bit more relaxing)

I had my first clinical experience for my CNA program yesterday and I left feeling sad but at the same time elated. It was actually a very strange feeling.

I have heard stories about CNA’s. How they are lazy, give bad care, and just don’t care about their job or the people they are caring for. The facility that we are doing our clinicals at is a VERY nice facility. When you walk in you get the feeling you are in an expensive hotel rather than a nursing home. I mistakenly thought this facility was going to be different. Boy was I wrong.

The CNA I was assigned to was absolutely terrible. I know it isn’t my place to judge after only three hours with her, but I don’t have to be an experienced CNA to know how awful she really is at her job. First of all, she told me to go feed one of her patients. I sat there and chatted with this lady as I was feeding her while CNAss sat in the corner on her cell phone the entire time. When I finished up, CNAss walked out of the room and left me there alone. The resident asked me for her cell phone. I tried to find it but couldn’t and went to hunt down CNAss to see if she knew where it would be. I finally found her shoving a huge piece of cake in her mouth at the nurse’s station and when I asked her about the phone she told me to look on the nightstand as it should be on the charger. I go back in, find the charger but not the phone and in comes CNAss. She rips off this lady’s sheets, throws up her gown completely exposing this poor lady to everyone that walked by (yes, the door and privacy curtain were WIDE open) and says “Mrs. So&so, where’s your phone? We don’t know where it is. I guess your daughter took it. Take it up with her when she comes in”. I was shocked but didn’t know what to do and sheepishly hung my head and walked out of the room with CNAss.

Next, we run into this little old man strolling through the hall in his wheelchair. CNAss starts chatting with him. She was actually pretty friendly and I thought, maybe she just had a bad moment. We collect trays from the residents rooms and when we were done, she again walks up to this man, bumps me on the shoulder, says “watch this” and says to him “Mr. Confused, do you remember talking to me today” He looks at her and says “No, when did we talk? Who are you?” and she starts laughing and walks away.

Finally, she takes me into a room to get a resident dressed and into his wheelchair. She goes in, rips off his sheets, starts rudely quizzing him on what he is going to wear, rolls him over to find he had wet himself and rolls her eyes while letting out a huge sigh. She mumbles something about needing the wipes and again, walks out of the room with me standing there holding this man on his side, door wide open, residents naked butt hanging out all over the place (yes, I covered him). We get him cleaned up and in his wheelchair (the whole time she is laughing and mumbling something about paying her cell phone bill) and she disappears, yet again. I hunt her down, again, and ask her where this gentleman needs to go. “I don’t know, wherever he wants” was her response. I go back in, ask him where he would like to go and take him there. CNAss is nowhere to be found so I find the linen closet, gather up new sheets and start changing and cleaning his bed. His roommate was in there reading a paper and asks me to open the curtains and the blinds and close the door. I say “sure thing, I would be happy to” do as he requests and get back to changing the bed. He puts his paper down, looks at me and says “I just have to tell you, you are such a joy to be around. You have really made my day”.

That was the point I started feeling confused.

It was such a nice thing to hear and he actually ended up making my day but I barely said two words to this man. If me just being nice makes his day what does that say about the care he is getting there? Is he normally not treated with courtesy and respect? What about everyone else there? From what I have seen, there was no respect to be found.

I left with a smile on my face because I found that I really liked working with the residents a lot more than I thought I would. I was so proud of myself for not freezing up and being able to get in there and do what I needed to do. They were so sweet and it really made me feel good to be able to help them, but I also wanted to cry. I HATED seeing the way they were treated. I couldn’t believe that there would be people working there that acted that way. I just don’t understand why you would do that job if you hated it so much. I mean, you could probably make more money working at Wal-Mart than being a CNA and not have to work as hard. It isn’t fair to the residents to get a nasty CNA like that.

I was excited to do clinicals at this facility because it was such a nice place and I knew they would possibly be hiring a few of us students after we were tested, but now, I’m not even sure I want to do this anymore if I have to work with people like that.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Wordy Wednesday

*It’s a play on “Wordless Wednesday”. See how clever I am?*

- I am still hanging on to my CNA and Pharm classes. No worries, I have no intention of giving up, it has just become more of a struggle than I had anticipated.

- I still feel like I am in way over my head for this pharmacology stuff. I am starting to think that taking this class during a shortened summer semester wasn’t exactly the best idea. Now it has become more of a cram session, whereas if I had taken it in a longer semester it would be moving more slowly allowing me to actually absorb more of the information.

- I volunteered to be the “patient” in last night’s CNA class, putting myself WAY out of my comfort zone. I am so glad I did though because it really helped me see how nervous everyone else really was. Obviously I am not the only one that has a hard time with the “communication” part.

- Not only did that help me realize I wasn’t alone, it also put me at an excellent advantage since I got to see and help everyone else do the skills so when it was my turn, I had it down nearly perfectly. I wasn’t as nervous as I would have been without all that extra “help” so I found that I was able to walk through all the steps much easier, and with less anxiety. I still have a long ways to go before I am totally comfortable with this, but I hope that as this class progresses I will find myself less and less nervous. (now if I could only have more than 24 hours to practice this stuff on real patients in a real setting.)

- Part of me really hopes that my job will soon bid me farewell, while the other part hopes I can hang on to it as long as possible. We really need all the money we can get, but I feel so out of place. Like I’m in limbo. I find myself jumping around between so many different things lately (school, work, kids, school, studying) that I can’t seem to catch up on any one thing. I suppose it is something I better get used to now though right?

Friday, July 16, 2010

Overwhelming Self Doubts

I feel my stress level rising and that is not a good sign. I have finished the first week of my CNA class and while I don’t find the material difficult at all, I am extremely nervous about having to “perform” in front of a bunch of strangers. I seem to have clicked really well with one of the other ladies in my class, which helps me feel a little more comfortable but I still get very anxious just thinking about having to do some of these things in front of other people.

This is a huge character flaw in myself I have known about for a long time. I am not a social person at all. I hate to be watched and I get nervous in crowds, hell even in small unfamiliar groups. I freeze, then sweat. I had really hoped that doing this would help me get over whatever fear I have but I am worried it is going to cause me to doubt myself so much I end up quitting altogether. I mean, my heart starts beating a million miles a minute as soon as someone mentions just having to talk to people. That cannot be normal right?

I was watching one of my new favorite shows last night, Boston Med, and as I saw the nurse interacting with the patient I immediately thought to myself, there is no way I can do that. What am I getting myself in to? Shouldn’t it be different? Shouldn’t I have been excited to imagine myself in that situation? Normally I would be, but something has changed. Doubt has really set in.

I have also recently started my online Pharmacology class. I was looking forward to this class until I started reading some of the lectures and discussion topics we will be going over. I feel like I am in way over my head with this class. No wonder my campus is so adamant about students taking it while in the nursing program rather than before. It really seems like you have to have some good basic knowledge of nursing in order to understand most of this stuff. It has really gotten me thinking: If I can’t handle a silly little Pharm class, what makes me think I am going to be able to handle an entire Nursing program?

To top it all off, this week has been hard. I am trying to work out a whole new schedule. Between being at home with my kids all the time now, to trying to work out when I can get my part time hours in for my job, to working in some studying and going to class, it has been very hectic. I feel so out of order. Things are in chaos around me and I am trying to figure out how to gather up all my balls and start juggling them again. I don’t have much time to get it all figured out either.

Such a change from last week, when I was so excited to get started on all of this, to this week, where I feel I am in way over my head and wondering what the hell I have done.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Something's in the air

I was sitting here feeling bad for not posting much lately (especially bad since I haven’t been keeping up with my Sunday deal either) when I realized, Hey, I’m not the only one who hasn’t been around much these days. Quite a few of my favorite bloggy friends have been on a hiatus as well. It must be that time of year. So now, I really don’t feel as bad as I did – but still a little bad.

I’m not sure what it is. I could pour out a list of excuses a mile long for why I have gone into hiding but I just don’t feel like making the effort.

And that right there, my friends, is my problem.

I just don’t feel like making an effort at much these days. I would promise to do better, keep up with the blog a little more, try to put in more effort

But then I would just be a liar.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Officially Un....errr wait, nope. Still Employed.

That's right. I still have a J-O-B

For how much longer, I have no idea.

I went to what I thought was going to be my exit interview, and I was met with pleadings to stay, an inquisition if you will. I told them I could stay as long as they needed me to however, I will only work from home and they would have to work around my schedule. After more (boring) discussion, we all decided that I will stay on from home part time until they can get somebody else in here.

Honestly, I am a bit relieved. (things always have a way of working out right?!?) We really could use the extra paycheck this will bring and this means there will be less time with me unemployed while working through my CNA course.

I love it when things fall into place. Let’s just hope they keep falling exactly as they are.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Today's the Day!

Today starts the enrollment period for the Spring 2011 Nursing program. I have had this day on my calendar for MONTHS now and it is finally here. Even though I can't apply yet (waiting on that last friggin credit*) I am super excited. It just means I am that much closer.

I have decided it is a good thing I can't apply right away. It means there is less time for me to sit around and wait, and wait, and wait for them to send me an acceptance/rejection letter. That means there is less time for me to go crazy with impatience.

Who am I kidding.

I am the most impatient person on the planet.

But still...

Next week I start that last stinky credit and my CNA course (and Pharm but who's counting). Hopefully I will be busy enough that the day's will fly by.

*Is it crazy that I am actually looking forward to this PE class? It gives me a reason to get off my ass and I am hoping I might even lose some of these stubborn lbs. I look at it like my own personal trainer 4 days a week for 6 weeks. Can't beat that right?

Monday, June 28, 2010

Wake up call

I sit down in front of the computer with clammy hands. Sweat starts to bead on my forehead as I click start on the screen. The questions go by in an instant. I hit submit and my scores flash back at me. 98% in math. Fantastic. 80% in reading. Oh shit.

My heart sinks.

I won’t be making it into the Nursing Program with a score like that. I needed at least a 92 to ensure a spot. I KNEW I should have taken it last enrollment period just in case. I cry. Hard. Right there in a room full of others taking the same test. I can’t breathe. Everything I have been working toward for the last year flashes before my eyes. I immediately regret quitting my job. I start to worry about how disappointed my family is going to be as I run from the room.

I wake up.

It was just a dream but I feel panicked. I can’t go back to sleep so I just lie there trying to shake the feeling of failure.

All of this just for the stupid HESI entrance exam I have to take within the next 2 weeks. I didn’t realize I was that stressed about it. Funny thing is that I am more worried about the math part of the test than the reading part even though the reading alone is what determines my scores for entrance into The Program. The math I just have to pass with a 70.

Maybe I need to put a little more effort into studying for this test.

I am going to hate to see myself when it is time to take the NCLEX.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Yes, a Nurse. Really.

I have been resisting the urge to run down the halls announcing my resignation to everyone. I feel that if my boss wants others to know I am leaving, she will announce it herself. (Don’t get me wrong though, I would love nothing more than to run these halls saying “see ya suckers!!” Alas, I must remain professional)

Obviously she has announced it somehow.

I have been getting calls left and right from co-workers and old bosses asking me about it. They all seem to think “going back to school” is code for something else. I have to explain that yes, I am really going back to school. No, I am not on some secret mission. Most are pretty happy for me and seem generally supportive. Others question my decision to go into Nursing.

I haven’t really told many people I am doing this other than family and a few close friends. They have all been extremely supportive. I have heard stories about how others have gotten mixed responses about their decision to pursue this career. Some get the third degree about it and are made to feel they are just not cut out for Nursing. I am finally getting those kind of responses and I have to say, they definitely sting a little.

My old boss, who has always been my favorite person to work for, called me this morning and quizzed me about it. “You know that is a tough job right?” “Are you sure you really want to do that?” “You know you will be taking a huge pay cut right?” “How does your husband feel about it?” I understand the concern. It is a big decision. It is not a decision that I have taken lightly though. It is not something I just woke up one day and said “Hmmm….I guess nursing sounds good. Why the hell not?” I am fully prepared for the challenges that I am going to face from every angle while doing this.

I want others to feel like I am going to be a good nurse, like this is something that they can see me doing. I want to feel like I exude the “nurse aura” so when I get comments that are negative, it hurts my self confidence. When people say to me “Nursing? Really?” as if it is some big shock that I have chosen that particular career path, it really hurts.

Of course these type comments have been few and far between compared to the praise I am getting but when they come from people that you respect it makes them seem so much bigger. I won’t let these people bring me down though. I have worked too hard already to let a few harsh words get to me.

Yes, I am going to be a nurse, and yes, I am going to be a good one.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Well I did it

I handed in my resignation today. Boy was that a nerve wracking event. Overall, they seemed pretty happy for me which is definitely a relief.

Now I am scared shitless. There is no turning back from this point on. In three weeks I will be unemployed. In three weeks I will be taking one of the biggest steps of my life. In three weeks I will be walking out of my comfort zone of steady paychecks and a reliable job and marching myself and my family right into the unknown.

What the hell did I just do?

Friday, June 18, 2010

This is when I start not feeling bad anymore

Every now and then I start getting these doubts in my head. I start thinking that maybe my job isn’t as bad as I make it seem sometimes. I have a pretty decent job actually, at a pretty big company, making pretty good money. I start wondering why I want to give it all up. I start trying to make myself find the good things and try to start ignoring the crap things about this job (which by far outweigh the good). Then something happens that reaffirms why I am leaving.

Communication at a job (any job) is really important to me. I may not be the most social person but I don’t feel like I have to be everyone’s friend and share my personal business with my coworkers in order to be a good employee. I do feel like people need to discuss work related things with me though, and will gladly invite any kind of brainstorming session. While I do like my boss, I feel like my team sorely lacks in the communication department.

As I sit here, still feeling bad for my imminent resignation, I get a meeting request from someone stating that I am a point person for this certain project and will be available to answer any and all questions from the field relating to said project during this call (which is scheduled for this afternoon). Huh? When did this happen? (keep in mind that this meeting request did not come from nor include my boss in any way AND I have not been involved with this project, or any discussions about this project, in months). I send it on to my boss to see if she knows about it and wouldn’t you know? She sure does. Apparently, she has been having discussions with some people about moving me into more of a management type roll and wants me to take the lead on all of our projects. While this is flattering, it would have been nice to have a discussion with HER before I started getting meeting requests, and emails, and expectations from the field. Obviously, everyone BUT me knows about this transition. Don’t you think it would have been appropriate of her to meet with me first? Discuss her expectations and goals for me in this new role she is developing for me?

Now while I realize this might seem trivial. It is just one example of how communication is lacking and situations like this really frustrate me. I have been in this position for about 7 months now and have pretty much had to train myself. I am tired of everyone making all these “plans” that involve me, without any kind of discussion with me.

So now, I no longer feel bad about handing in my notice on Monday. This way they can find someone else before they have spent too much time on developing me into my new role (whatever exactly that may entail) and they can find someone else who can handle the lack of communication.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Just call me a quitter

I will be handing in my resignation from my job on Monday. I am so nervous about it. I don’t even know how to quit. What would be the best way to do this? I have a letter of resignation already typed up but beyond that, I have no idea how to approach this. I have been with this company for over 6 years, which in the grand scheme of things doesn’t seem like very long but to me, it is a pretty long time. What makes me even more nervous about it is the fact that my boss has been talking quite a bit recently about her plans for the future for me. She wants to make me a Project Lead. She has been talking about how she wants to see things in 3,4,5, and 6 months from now and where she thinks I can go. It makes me feel bad about leaving this position and part of me feels so sneaky since I have known I was going to quit for a while now and haven’t said a word. I knew I was going to quit when I took this position and didn’t say anything. I just let them think I was in it for the long haul when I knew I wasn’t. I know that this is going to disappoint her.

Does that make me an immoral person? Or is it something I just chalk up to doing what I needed to do for the greater good?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm back!

So did ya miss me??

The vacation was completely exhausting but we all had fun. I did decide though, that my kids are just not old enough to appreciate a big vacation like that yet. They both were perfectly content spending the entire time at the hotel swimming pool. In fact, when we went to the parks that is all they begged (and whined and cried) to do. Next time we have decided to take them to Mexico where they can swim in the pool/ocean all they want while The Husband and I can drink all the cocktails we want. Money better spent that way for sure.

Some things I learned while on vacation:

- I need to get a more comfortable pair of shoes. I came home with four blisters on my feet and my back and knees are killing me from all that walking while lugging around my 26 lb kid.

- I think it’s time I talked to the Dr about my anxiety. It was so crowded there and my kids were not on their best behavior most of the time which left me in a completely frazzled/sweaty/anxious state almost the entire time.

- Because of the above, a vacation is not the best time to try to quit a serious habit. On top of my anxious mess, I also forgot to take my meds the entire time I was there so I am starting over again. New quit date will be July 1st. I’m still serious about it, and still definitely plan on quitting, I just couldn’t make it work as soon as I wanted.

- When taking a vacation like that, more than one day off is needed when I get back in order to fully recoup. A vacation from my vacation if you will.

So there you have it. I will now leave you with a couple of my favorite pictures of my super cute kids.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sunday's Specialty - Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nursing

This week’s specialty comes to us from Nurse Teeny over at The Makings of a Nurse. She is technically not working as a Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurse (yet) but if you read through her blog you can see how much passion she has for this particular specialty. This passion is exactly why I asked her to share with us on this, and I am so glad she did! After you finish reading about this specialty, head on over to her blog to check her out!

Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nursing

I may have no business writing this post, seeing as how I was in Peds Hem/Onc for a total of 168 a capstone nursing student...

But oh how I loved it! And now that I am a working RN in Critical Care, oh how I miss it!

And I will be back. :-)

Pediatric hematology/oncology nursing is working with kiddos who have blood disorders and cancer. It can be on an inpatient or outpatient basis. Your patients will range in age from infant to young adult (if they were diagnosed as kids, they'll often be followed by their pediatric doc into young adulthood for consistency). You will see a lot of hair loss, a lot of skin issues, a lot of nausea and vomiting. You will become an expert at central line management, blood and platelet transfusions, bone marrow transplants, and nutrition management. You will become allies with parents and family members, many of whom will become like extra staff members on the floor. They will have tips for getting that medication down the hatch (and will often be comfortable giving it themselves), they will know when their child is having a medication reaction before any symptoms appear and they will know normal lab values better than you in a matter of weeks (what's normal for these kids is NOT normal for the rest of the world).

If this is a specialty you are considering, I would highly recommend trying to get some exposure to it in nursing school to 1) Make sure it's for you and 2) Get it on your resume. It IS possible to get a job in peds hem/onc as a new grad but probably only if you do your senior capstone rotation in this area (or at least in either pediatrics or oncology). In the current job market, however, the pickings are slim. You will likely have to start somewhere else, then move over once you have your "1-2 years of acute care experience" (I really grew to hate that phrase).

Once you have worked in inpatient hem/onc, you can also move into outpatient care. Most hospital cancer centers have clinics where kiddos can come and get chemo or transfusions on an outpatient basis. They'll also need periodic checkups. In addition, since a lot of kids are immunosuppressed, usually doctors arrange for them to be admitted as inpatients through the clinic rather than the hospital ER if they have a fever or aren't feeling well.

The beautiful and poignant thing about peds hem/onc is that you get to witness just how resilient kids really are. I had patients in the middle of chemo who were riding their tricycles down the hallways and doing art projects in the craft room. They may feel like crap, but they'll be damned if that's going to keep them from going to the school room and making a potato battery. Even the ones who were dying wanted to "just be kids" for as long as they could. When one of my patients found out I'd be graduating in about two months, she told me she'd come back to the floor and bring me a graduation present. I was pretty sure that she wasn't going to make it to my graduation day but the fact that she was thinking of someone else in that moment was touching.

When I talk about the kind of nurse I want to be, many people scrunch up their noses and purse their lips and ask the age-old question: "Why?" Why would you want to work with sick kids? Why watch kids suffer and die? Isn't it draining?

No, it's not draining. It's sad on some days. It's fun on others. We have birthday parties and cupcakes and we wear silly hats and costumes. We celebrate the victories and cry when we lose a friend. We listen when the parents need to vent, and hold babies when mom needs to take a shower or get off the floor to grab a cup of a coffee and some fresh air. We acknowledge that it's just not right that anyone should be going through what these little ones go through.

But they go through it anyway, right or not. And we're there for them through it all. And I love it.

And yes, I will most definitely be back. :-)

For more information about peds hem/onc nursing, here are some helpful sites:
Association of Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses (APHON) (
Certified Pediatric Hematology Oncology Nurse Exam Information (

Thanks again Nurse Teeny, for sharing your passion for this specialty with us! I wish you luck and hope that you find yourself doing what you really want to do soon!