Things I have learned from my QT at the DMV

• People lack boundaries. Or at least respect of others boundaries. I don't even let my husband get that close to me most of the time (unless he cooks of course)

• It's ok to be proud of your kids but please for the love of anything holy PLEASE stop talking about them like they are the greatest thing on earth. Honors classes? Good job! College courses? Way to go! MykidisthesmartestkidintheschoolcausehescoredanunbelievablyhighscoreonhisACTandhecangetintoanycollegehewantsbecauseheisthesmartestpersonintheworld is just annoying and makes me think you are compensating for your own failings in high school. It's nice to know that "mommy wars" don't just apply to moms, and that they don't stop once your kids get older.

• The DMV (or any other poorly ran government office for that matter) is NOT the place for children. I can only imagine how frustrated your kid is that you brought him to this germ infested place to sit for hours and hours and hours. I am equally as frustrated listening to him scream his ever loving head off while you sit there apologizing to everyone saying "I don't know what's wrong with him! He never acts like this!" (I'm sorry kid. If I could start kicking and screaming without fear of being hauled off in hand cuffs, I would be right there with ya.)

• Not everyone likes privacy. This has been proven to me by the guy who is talking loud enough for the 2000 people to hear about his latest Dr. appointment for his ahem, bowel movements.

• I completely understand why the ladies who work here are always grumpy. I would be too if I had to listen to 45671397 people a day try to make excuses for not having their paperwork and "please can you just make an exception for me".

• There is no such thing as a good drivers license photo and I know exactly why: sitting in this place for hours can really wreak havoc on your desire to "smile pretty" for the photo. By the time you finally get up to the front of the line the only thing you can think about is getting the fuck out of this damn place.

• And finally, I realized I have a LONG way to go when it comes to learning patience.

Thank FSM I don't have to go back to that place for another 10 years. (Unless of course I want to change my horrendous DL photo.)

Just my luck

Me - 0
Government - 2

I took a half day at work yesterday to ge my license renewed (I know. I should have done this when it expired 3 months ago). I was there waiting for over 3 hours. There were four more people in front of me when wouldn't you know it, the computers went down.

Now I get to try to sneak out of work early today so I can make it back to the DMV before they close this afternoon, wait another several hours so I can get my damn license.

Fun times.

Pending Trial

The trial for the drunk driver is next week. My husband just got a call from the DA. They want him testify as a character witness for K. He is freaking out. I know he really wants to do it, he just isn’t sure that he can. They said emotion is what they want to see on the stand but he is worried he will just freeze. I am worried that he will break down. I haven’t really seen him express too many emotions toward all of this. Probably because I have been blinded by my own emotions and he has been trying to comfort me through this whole thing. I know he hurts just as much as I do. The four of us were inseparable for many years and his friendship with K is what brought the four of us together in the first place. We were such a great team, the four of us, and we have so many great memories of our times with them. I never really believed in “soul mates” until we became friends. I honestly feel like the four of us were just meant for each other. We all complimented each other so well. It is so rare to find that kind of friendship and it’s gone forever.

I’m sure the pending trial is what is really getting me down lately. I know next week is going to be a rough one. I talked to C’s parents today and they wanted to prepare us for what will happen during the trial. Autopsy pictures will be shown. They have prepared a crash simulation. Basically, the whole night will be relived again in the courtroom. The girl was so wasted that I doubt she even knows what really happened that night, other than she killed two innocent people. I remember when it happened they said she woke up in the hospital not knowing how she got there and they had to tell her what she did.

I wonder if she’s sorry. I wonder if she wakes up every morning and cries. Last time I went to a court hearing for this case I saw her and I felt absolutely no sorrow from her at all. She showed up to her hearing in ratty jeans, tennis shoes, and a big heavy red sweatshirt (and this was in July in the hottest place on earth). She read a book the whole time. I hope I’m wrong though. I really hope that she has some remorse for what she did, for the grief she has caused so many people.

I can’t imagine living with something like that myself.

Just a Thanks and a Hi!

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who have been reading and commenting on my blog. I really do appreciate all the feedback I have been getting from you. It's nice to know that there are people out there that care enough to comment. :)

I also wanted to say Hi to those out there that might be lurking. I might not be THAT interesting yet, but I promise I will keep working on it! Thank you so much for stopping by.

If anyone has any advice or tips on how to make my blogging better bring them on!

To go or not to go

My college is having a "financial aid workshop" thing today that I was planning on going to. In light of my newfound knowledge that I apparently make too much money and shouldn't even be thinking about financial aid, I think I just might skip it.

How in the hell am I going to pull this off? Now I am worried that I am not even going to be able to get a private loan. My credit isn't the greatest and I have been hearing how hard it is these days to get anyone to loan you money with a less than stellar credit rating.

I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now. I really don't want to put off starting The Program for a year when I have worked my ass off to get there NOW.

You have got to be kidding me

I filled out my FASFA yesterday, hoping that I could get at least get a Stafford loan to help us out when I start The Program. I fully expected that I would still need to take out a private student loan as well but had hoped that I could get some money at an insanely low interest rate.

WRONG!!!

Apparently our EFC is so freakin high that I could afford to pay for tuition at a private university and still have some left over. Really government? REALLY? Do you take into account my mortgage? What about feeding a family of four? Car payments? Utilities? Yep, didn't think so. Apparently they seem to think we are swimming in funds when in reality, we are barely making it by as it is.

It is so frustrating to see all these incentives for everyone but me to use to go back to school and better themselves. I'm so tired of being too "rich" to get any help, but too poor to be able to help myself. I'm stuck. When will us middle class folks get a break?

Study Habits

I’m having a hard time finding the best way for me to study. I do pretty good in study groups where I can listen to others talk things over. I tend to be the one in the group that will research the answers to someone’s question or a debate but for the most part, I listen more than I talk. It helps me hear others explain things and reiterate our lecture in a different way. Outside of study group though? I can’t seem to find the perfect study method for me. Flashcards seem to help for memorization but I havn't quite figured out what to do to help me actually understand and retain what I am learning. I read the material over and over again but it just doesn’t seem to stick very well when I do that and I find myself getting distraced by so many different things when I study alone. Apparently, I have to actually hear the subject being discussed in order for it to do anything for me. I also tend to single out one topic that I study my ass off for, and neglect or at the most, just skim over the other parts. I’m not sure why I do that.

I really need to change my study habits before I get into The Program. I have been able to make decent grades doing what I am doing, but I keep thinking how much better I could do if I just changed my study habits. I probably could have gotten that A in A&P I if I had just studied smarter. I have heard about the overwhelming amount of work that goes into NS and I really don’t want to find myself barely scraping by because I don’t know how to study efficiently.

So tell me, how do you study?

Cooking vs. Sex - Who's the real winner?

Let me preface this by saying that I hate cooking. I thought it was something that I just wasn’t good at but once I got better I would enjoy it. I even considered taking some cooking classes to improve on my mediocre skills. I realized though, that I just don’t like it. Which is probably why I’m not any good at it. My husband on the other hand has the potential to be a great cook.

While we were at our favorite fancy restaurant for Valentine’s day, we got to talking about saving money and all the things we are doing now that is causing us to waste our money. Eating out all the time was at the top of the list. We do this because I hate cooking. (funny that this should come up while we are out to dinner at a place that we can only afford on special occasions) I finally came clean with him. All my excuses for not cooking dinner, because I’m tired, because we don’t have all the ingredients, because I just don’t feel like it, are really just that. Excuses. I simply loathe having to cook. There, I admitted it. Now it’s out there.

I jokingly said that he should start taking on the cooking duties of the house. Surprisingly, he didn’t immediately tell me I was nutso. I proceeded to stroke his ego in hopes that he would agree with what started out as a joke, but quickly turned into a possibility. I made him believe that he actually had it in him to be a good cook. (which I really do think he does). Threw out some examples of why I thought so and then, without thinking, I blurted out “If you start taking over the cooking, I will give it up more often.”

SHIT! What the hell did I just say?!?! I just traded cooking for sex. I sold myself just to get out of cooking.

Needless to say, he was all over that idea. The next day, he jumped online and started printing out recipes. I have to admit, he has made some pretty great dinners the past few nights and it has been so nice to get home from work and be able to play with the girls without worrying about what I am going to make for dinner (or rather, where we are going to eat dinner) He has even had a plate all ready to warm up for me when I get home from school in the evenings. And yes, he has been getting more action. Seems as though this arrangement is working out pretty nicely so far.

I < 3 the Heart!

We got to dissect a sheep heart in lab last night and OMG! That was The.Coolest.Thing.Ever. I’ve always had a fascination with the heart but last night just made my interest peak tenfold. So far this has been my favorite moment in both of my A&P classes. I wish we had more than one night to study it.

Another one hits close to home

I realize that life isn’t always fair. I know that there are roadblocks and challenges that will change your life forever, but someone PLEASE explain to me why innocent people end up victims. Why a stupid decision by one person can change life so drastically for so many people.

Early this morning, the daughter of one of the Fire Captains in my husband’s department was killed by a drunk driver. Her boyfriend is in the hospital. The man who hit them wasn’t even hurt. What is wrong with people? If you drink, don’t drive. How is that such a hard concept? Why do the ones who made such a terrible choice get to walk away while the innocent lose their lives and their families are left in pieces?

Depression hurts

I hate feeling like this. Depressed. I hate the highs and lows I seem to go through. I have, for the most part, gotten it under control. I have more good days than bads lately but when I go down, I go down hard. I haven't been sleeping well lately at all and I am completely exhausted. I skipped out early on lab yesterday because I was just too tired to sit there any longer. I came home, got ready for bed, and laid there for hours. I can't turn off my thoughts. They keep getting stuck on her.

I had lunch with a mutual friend of mine and hers yesterday and he kept asking me questions about what happened. I thought everyone already knew all the details but apparently not. Most people only know the basics. Her and her husband were killed by a drunk driver on Christmas night. Her husband was trying to be responsible and called her to come pick him up from their neighborhood bar (less than a mile away from their house) because he was too drunk to drive home. Ironic isn't it?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there aren't many people that know all the details. I really wish I didn't. Unfortunately I know things I can't get out of my head. And when my thoughts finally do settle down enough to be able to sleep at night, I get asked about it from someone who, for some reason, wants to know. I wish I could just hand them the information and be rid of it.

It's not only that though, the thoughts surrounding her death and how they died. It's everything that happened before then between us that really makes it hard for me. It's the falling out. The circumstances that lead to us not speaking for 4 months before she died. Everything that happened a year before then that put such a strain on our friendship. I keep going through the "what-if's" in my head constantly. What if I had gone to her house the day she decided to end our friendship to straighten everything out. Instead, being extremely hormonal and 3 days postpartem (yes I said days. I got the call the day I got home from the hospital after giving birth to my daughter), I got angry and pissed and thought screw her, I don't need her anymore.

Truth is though, that I do need her. I need her so much. I feel so lost without her telling me I am doing the right thing, or smacking me on the side of the head and asking me what the hell I am thinking. I need her here with me to vent to, to call when something exciting happens, to be proud of me for what I am doing, or tell me I have completely lost it.

I miss her so much and it hurts. It really hurts. It's been over a year since she has been gone and the pain hasn't lessened any. Things haven't gotten any easier.

I need my friend.

The first of many lessons learned

I am the type of person that wants what I want RIGHT NOW. I hate waiting. When I have my sights set on something, I usually stop at nothing to get it. I am very headstrong. The Husband actually cited it as something about me that he admires but at the same time drives him absolutely insane. I am not used to having something take so long to get. I know I am working towards what I want right now. I realized from the beginning that this was going to be a long road. I was not prepared for the patience I was going to have to find in order to go through this process.

I found another job that I thought could hold me over until I started school. And really, this job isn’t so bad. Pretty boring most days, but not really all that bad. The only thing I can think of while I am here though is when can I quit? The days are starting to get longer as I sit here with very little patience, counting down the days until I get my acceptance letter and can hand in my resignation. I surf my favorite nursing blogs all day long just pining to be in their shoes. Imagining what my first days will be like. What my experiences will be. Wondering if I will become close to my classmates, and worrying that my introverted personality will shut people out like it always does.

Patience. I have really had to learn how to have patience over the last year. Kind of ironic that I am having to learn the lesson of patience while I wait for my turn to learn how to have patients. (yeah, that was cheesy.)

I just want to be in Nursing School already!!

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

The more I think about it, the more I really wish I could do a BSN program rather than the ADN. Not that there is anything wrong with the ADN. My ultimate goal is to at least get my BSN. Eventually. Unfortunately, financial roadblocks prohibit me from going straight to my BSN. I am already having a tough time figuring out how I am going to pay for my ADN or rather, how my family is going to survive without my income once I get into The Program and quit my job. I have been contemplating taking out some loans to live off for the 2 years I am in school but I haven’t had that conversation with my husband yet. I know he will freak out.

The more I sit here and think about these things, the harder I kick myself in the ass for quitting school 10 years ago. Why didn’t I figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up way back then? Back when I had a free ride and didn’t have a family and high financial obligations to worry about. It’s hard to sit here with regrets though. If I did stay on the school path, I know I wouldn’t have ended up in Nursing, not right away anyways, not to mention that I wouldn’t have had my two amazing little girls. Still, I sit here with regrets, wishing I could have made some different decisions while still keeping some of the same things I have now. Unfortunately, life doesn’t quite work out that way. We can’t all have our cake and eat it too. Sometimes the cake sits there on the table, just out of our reach.