Friday, April 16, 2010

This is my brain on alcohol

I went out tonight and had a few drinks with some of my classmates from my A&P II class. I am telling you now, I am probably going to be spewing some crap that is unnecessarily long and makes absolutely no sense at all and if I was smart, I would probably be deleting in the morning (or not posting at all).

That was my pathetic attempt at a warning. So, you have been warned.

I seem to have been all over the place emotionally lately. I have really been trying hard to put on my “I have it all figured out” face but inside, I really do feel like I am drowning.

This past weekend I got the crazy idea that I wanted to have another baby.

Yep, you read that right. A-N-O-T-H-E-R baby. As in numero three (well technically four). Right in the middle of my almost midlife crisis I seem to be going through. I had myself (and my husband) almost convinced that another baby would be no big deal. I could manage it. I would put off nursing school until August 2011 (wait, wasn’t I just SOO awfully upset about having to do that a few weeks ago?) still work at my amazingly boring job, and have another baby. I could sacrifice for something like that right?!?! It’s not like three, AND nursing school, AND working as a CNA would be a big deal. RIGHT?!?!?

Truth is, I feel absolutely, completely empty inside and the only way I can think about filling this void in me is to have another baby.

Wrong answer.

Incredibly wrong answer.

I know this. Something in me though, is trying to convince irrational-me that having another baby would solve all my problems. Would make me feel complete. Having-a-few-too-many-drinks-me though, KNOWS that this would be a bad idea. WHY? Because I can’t even handle life as it is. I pretend that “busy” me is happy. That “busy” is the only way I can actually function. Truth is “busy” keeps me from thinking. When I am running a million miles a minute, trying to jump from employee, to mother, to student, to wife, I don’t have time to really sit down and dive into what I am really feeling, which is alone.

I feel alone.

I am surrounded by all these people in my life and yet, I feel so out of touch with everyone. My husband and I don’t talk much. With me in school, and him at the fire station when I am not in school, we hardly see each other. (Not that we talk much at all when we do see each other). I go through the motions of being a mother to my kids without really feeling like much of a mother, and let’s face it, I am a CRAP employee right now, just trying to make it through a few more months.

I feel as lost as ever right now.

I haven’t been posting much lately because my blog has seemed to turn into some kind of emotional dumping ground. But this is MY blog right? It can be whatever I want it to be (even if I still don’t know what I want it to be). If nowhere else, this should be the place where I can be honest, and not have to put on a front like everywhere else in my life. For some reason though, I feel like I have to put on a happy face, even here.

I have no idea where I am going with this but I know it needed to come out, even if it is garbled. Even if it makes no sense.

I just feel completely and utterly alone and I HATE this feeling.


  1. Nooooo!! Don't feel that way, that is what I want to yell.. But we all feel that way sometimes. SOMETIMES, now if you feel this way all the time, uhhh well yeah, you need some meds.. lol Just kidding, it will all get better! You aren't doing what you want to do yet (nursing) and you won't feel justified in life until you do. I get that feeling, then I say, it could be sooooo much worse. Trust me it gets better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Pssss... I replied to your comment on my bloggy page:-)

  3. Oh no! Life is just plain hard! But don't give up hope ! Kinda of like a country song I just heard somthing about " Sounds like life to me" Know that your not alone! And yes it so your blog , you write whatver you want! You never know who you are getting through to when your being so honest!Hang in there!

  4. Welcome to my life... always looking for satisfaction, always struggling to find it. In fact, I wrote about (I can't get no satisfaction) a couple months ago (or maybe just one)-- wow, shameless plug for my blog HA. I think once you're doing something you thoroughly enjoy, you'll be much more content with life. At least that's what I keep telling myself. But I also just started seeing a therapist and have been on and off meds for God knows how long.

    I have no clue what I'm trying to say, other than "Hang in there!" And keep venting. It's good for the soul.

    But if I ever write a post under the influence, it A. Will not be the coherent, B. Would be so more unpolitically correct than usual and C. Would probably be highly offensive hahahaha

  5. I can appreciate that feeling.
    In fact, I know that feeling.

    Let me ask...what do you do that is just for you?
    Seems that a lot, if not all, that you do each day is for everyone else...
    Just a thought

  6. I went to a therapist last year, who helped me realize that my coping strategy was the same as yours-- "busy helps me avoid thinking about what's really bugging me." Now, therapy isn't for everyone, but it did wonders for me. Just having that impartial third-party to talk to was an amazing resource and outlet for my feelings (best of all, I found "me" again without any medication, which was my goal)!


  7. Don't worry there are millions just like you out there. That is what blogging is for....a release...and then to stalk others who are going thru the same thing so you feel less alone and at least have some satisfaction that there are others "out there"!! Keep going! Life is good, basically...even at it's could have been born in a third world country and have even less to work with. Try to improve things...even if it is only one tiny thing. You can't eat an elephant in a day. Number one thing to work on tho....from something for your relationship every day, even if it is small, because that is the best gift you can give yourself, your husband and especially your children! Good luck! (PS you don't necessarily need a therapist or meds by the way, it totally depends on you..!) :)

  8. I can totally relate. There was a point in my life when I didn't know what I was doing anymore or why I was doing it. I could see myself just going through the motions. There always seemed to be something lacking... I had this shoulda-coulda-woulda mentality and it ate me up inside.

    I don't really know how I got out of that, or if I'm completely out. All I can say that there is no magic bullet; a baby, nursing school, a brand new car (I just added that one myself), an awesome job, will not cure anything. Sure it might be nice for a while, but what about you? Whatever you feel you are lacking, whatever you feel like you wish you could do, could be... just do it. Forgive yourself of the past and just move forward. If it sounds like I'm projecting, maybe I am a little. This is stuff I've had to tell myself all the time and I think this past year I finally started to believe it. (((hugs))) Sorry for writing a novel here. I hope you are feeling better these days.