I went out tonight and had a few drinks with some of my classmates from my A&P II class. I am telling you now, I am probably going to be spewing some crap that is unnecessarily long and makes absolutely no sense at all and if I was smart, I would probably be deleting in the morning (or not posting at all).
That was my pathetic attempt at a warning. So, you have been warned.
I seem to have been all over the place emotionally lately. I have really been trying hard to put on my “I have it all figured out” face but inside, I really do feel like I am drowning.
This past weekend I got the crazy idea that I wanted to have another baby.
Yep, you read that right. A-N-O-T-H-E-R baby. As in numero three (well technically four). Right in the middle of my almost midlife crisis I seem to be going through. I had myself (and my husband) almost convinced that another baby would be no big deal. I could manage it. I would put off nursing school until August 2011 (wait, wasn’t I just SOO awfully upset about having to do that a few weeks ago?) still work at my amazingly boring job, and have another baby. I could sacrifice for something like that right?!?! It’s not like three, AND nursing school, AND working as a CNA would be a big deal. RIGHT?!?!?
Truth is, I feel absolutely, completely empty inside and the only way I can think about filling this void in me is to have another baby.
Incredibly wrong answer.
I know this. Something in me though, is trying to convince irrational-me that having another baby would solve all my problems. Would make me feel complete. Having-a-few-too-many-drinks-me though, KNOWS that this would be a bad idea. WHY? Because I can’t even handle life as it is. I pretend that “busy” me is happy. That “busy” is the only way I can actually function. Truth is “busy” keeps me from thinking. When I am running a million miles a minute, trying to jump from employee, to mother, to student, to wife, I don’t have time to really sit down and dive into what I am really feeling, which is alone.
I feel alone.
I am surrounded by all these people in my life and yet, I feel so out of touch with everyone. My husband and I don’t talk much. With me in school, and him at the fire station when I am not in school, we hardly see each other. (Not that we talk much at all when we do see each other). I go through the motions of being a mother to my kids without really feeling like much of a mother, and let’s face it, I am a CRAP employee right now, just trying to make it through a few more months.
I feel as lost as ever right now.
I haven’t been posting much lately because my blog has seemed to turn into some kind of emotional dumping ground. But this is MY blog right? It can be whatever I want it to be (even if I still don’t know what I want it to be). If nowhere else, this should be the place where I can be honest, and not have to put on a front like everywhere else in my life. For some reason though, I feel like I have to put on a happy face, even here.
I have no idea where I am going with this but I know it needed to come out, even if it is garbled. Even if it makes no sense.
I just feel completely and utterly alone and I HATE this feeling.
6 months ago