Sunday, January 17, 2010

Changing Me

When I made the decision last year to become a nurse, it was only a part of the overhaul I wanted to take on to change the way I was living my life. Granted, it was a pretty big part, but still, it wasn't the only part. I had been living a pretty meaningless life. At least it really seemed that way to me. I was just going through the motions of living, and sadly, I was even going through the motions of being a mother and wife without really putting a whole lot of thought or meaning into any of it. This caused quite a bit of problems in my marriage as well as my very few friendships. Fortunately, my husband and I are still married and have managed to pull through some really rough spots, and for some unknown reason my kids still think I am the greatest thing ever, but I have not been the best wife or mother I know I could be. Unfortunately, I lost the best friend I could ever have, even before she was killed, because of who I had let myself become.

When my best friend died a year ago, I was suddenly forced to look at my life up until that point. When I looked back, I hated what I saw. I hated who I was becoming. I wanted to be something better. All of a sudden the old cliche phrase "live each day like it was your last" had so much meaning to me. I now had this great opportunity, at 27 years old, to realize that I am who makes my life great but I am also who makes my life miserable. I was the one with the power to change ME. I didn't have to wait until I was old and gray and in the last leg of my life to look back and think about all the things I could have and should have done differently. I had the chance NOW to make my life meaningful and something that I will look back on and think: Yep, I did pretty damn good.

So Nursing? It's only part of my efforts to change myself and make myself a better person. Nursing is something I want to do for me. Along with nursing, there are a few other things that I hope to work on within myself to try to be the best person I know I can be. I want to be a better mother to my kids and wife to my husband. This one is proving to be a little conflicting with my nursing goals. It has been such a challenge over the past year to juggle work, and school, and family and I know it is only going to get worse once I get into The Program. I also know that ultimately all of this struggling will pay off once I get through The Program, pass the NCLEX and become a full fledged nurse, but right now, it is hard and exhausting and more than once I have found myself wondering what the hell I was doing.

Battling depression is another major hurdle in my change. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember but have only recently recognized it and sought help for it. It took me two months of staring at a bottle of pills every morning and night before I finally decided to start treating my depression. It is still a struggle, but it has become much more manageable. I still have my moments, but I think I deal with them a lot better now than I did before. I think now, my biggest hurdle in my depression is learning to like myself. Learning to take care of myself. Learning to be happy with myself.

Really, this nursing thing is just a part of the Me I hope to become.

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