Warning: Another “Boo Hoo” post ahead.
I am starting to wonder what the hell I am doing and why. I feel like I might just be trying to reach for something just because it sounds good and it is such a huge change from where I am now. Something different. I don’t doubt that I can get through NS. Not at all. I know it will be tough. I know it will be a challenge, and one that I feel I am ready for, however, part of me thinks that I have a bad case of “the grass is always greener” syndrome. (is that an actual dx? I think it should be if it isn’t.) Part of me thinks that I might be doing this just to get out of where I am now and to try to change myself into something I am afraid that I just can’t be.
I worry that I will end up in the same situation I am in currently, only more educated and in more debt. I’m struggling to find my real reasons for pushing through all of this. I do feel like health care has been “calling” me for a while. I took health science electives all through high school and went straight into the EMT program right after I graduated. I got out as soon as I got my certification though, although not because I didn’t like it. Mostly it was because I wanted to grow up way too fast. The health care field was never far from my mind during my “hiatus”. I just feel that maybe I have grabbed a hold of this career change so tightly because I am so lost. I feel that I am putting my family through so much and I worry that in the end, it will all be for naught. I will be just as miserable and depressed as I am now.
I’m really struggling to figure out what I want along with balancing what’s best for our family. Truth be told, if I could, I would walk up to my boss and hand in my resignation right this very second, then go home and veg out for a few weeks before I got bored and wondered what I was going to do next. And really, we could get by if I did that, with A LOT of sacrificing on everyone’s part but the guilt I would feel from causing all that hardship would eat at me just as much as waking up every morning and coming to this job does.
I’m not going to give up on this though. I just wish there was a way of knowing that this was the right thing for me. I just wish that life was a tad bit easier right now.
6 months ago