Monday, March 22, 2010


Warning: Another “Boo Hoo” post ahead.

I am starting to wonder what the hell I am doing and why. I feel like I might just be trying to reach for something just because it sounds good and it is such a huge change from where I am now. Something different. I don’t doubt that I can get through NS. Not at all. I know it will be tough. I know it will be a challenge, and one that I feel I am ready for, however, part of me thinks that I have a bad case of “the grass is always greener” syndrome. (is that an actual dx? I think it should be if it isn’t.) Part of me thinks that I might be doing this just to get out of where I am now and to try to change myself into something I am afraid that I just can’t be.

I worry that I will end up in the same situation I am in currently, only more educated and in more debt. I’m struggling to find my real reasons for pushing through all of this. I do feel like health care has been “calling” me for a while. I took health science electives all through high school and went straight into the EMT program right after I graduated. I got out as soon as I got my certification though, although not because I didn’t like it. Mostly it was because I wanted to grow up way too fast. The health care field was never far from my mind during my “hiatus”. I just feel that maybe I have grabbed a hold of this career change so tightly because I am so lost. I feel that I am putting my family through so much and I worry that in the end, it will all be for naught. I will be just as miserable and depressed as I am now.

I’m really struggling to figure out what I want along with balancing what’s best for our family. Truth be told, if I could, I would walk up to my boss and hand in my resignation right this very second, then go home and veg out for a few weeks before I got bored and wondered what I was going to do next. And really, we could get by if I did that, with A LOT of sacrificing on everyone’s part but the guilt I would feel from causing all that hardship would eat at me just as much as waking up every morning and coming to this job does.

I’m not going to give up on this though. I just wish there was a way of knowing that this was the right thing for me. I just wish that life was a tad bit easier right now.


  1. I felt the same almost every day in nursing school. You won't really know unless you try. :)

  2. Seeing that you work and are a mom, this may not be a realistic option, but, and I think I said this before, I STRONGLY recommend volunteering at the hospital. I started in the NICU last June to make sure nursing was the path I wanted... now I know, without a doubt, it is the field for me. Even if you can only do it a few hours a month, it still might be enough to help you realize if it's what you really want or not.

    Best wishes... it will all work out in the end. ((Hugs))


  3. I agree with Marianne. Volunteering in an area that interests you could really help.

    And if it helps any, I doubted myself at least once a day while I was figuring what I wanted to do the rest of my life, too. :)

  4. I have considered volunteering and was actually going to try to do it this summer (before all the chaos ensued). I still might try to work in a few hours here and there but most of the hospitals around here require me to committ to at least 4 hours a week and that just isn't feasable with my schedule at the moment.

    It's good to know that doubting oneself is normal. Or at least that I am not the only crazy person that doubts themselves. :p

  5. Shop around for volunteering. The hospital I work at has a minimum 50 hour volunteer hour "promise", but you work it out whenever you can do the hours. No time frame to get those 50 hours in. My son currently volunteers for his senior project, and sporadically gets his hours in.

    Also - if you feel that the health care field is your calling, go for it. There are so many different areas you can get into with a nursing degree! Not just hospital nursing either.

  6. I was supposed to graduate last Spring... but after getting all my prerequisites completed I had a lot of doubts too. I took a year "off", which to me meant working and taking classes that had nothing to do with NS requirements! Part of me (now) feels like I kinda wasted a year, but I really needed that time to refocus and decide if nursing was really what I wanted. I was seriously burnt out and needed a break!

    I don't know what it'll take to make you feel certain... there are days I still doubt myself, but I know that's just my own insecurities. I hope you find some answers.