Calm before the Storm?

I am feeling calm which is strangely disconcerting considering a few days ago I was nearly in full blown panic mode.


I’m not sure that I feel 100% confident in my skills for tomorrow’s test but for some reason I just don’t have the desire to go over and over them until I get them down. Or maybe I just don’t care? Either way, I am sitting here surfing the net for something to do with my kids for Spring Break rather than reviewing the steps to my skills.

I’m hoping I won’t regret this tomorrow at 0900 when I go in for my practicum.

Please excuse me while I FREAK OUT!

Our first practicum is next week (Tue/Wed). We had sign ups yesterday. I decided to go ahead and get it over with and signed up for the very first slot on Tuesday morning.

What the hell was I thinking?!?!

Oh that’s right, that I just wanted to get it over with. Better to do it right away than sit there and stew on it longer than necessary right?

What am I thinking?!?!

I felt somewhat prepared for it until I went to open lab Wednesday night. We had a student nurse in her last semester there who decided to help us out and stage these “mock practicums”. She would give a student a list of skills to perform while she sat there and acted like one of the instructors. She did a pretty good job and it was helpful, but it really freaked me out. I mean, there were things that she said we would fail for that I never realized I needed to pay attention to. One girl would have failed the entire thing because she washed her hands for ONE SECOND less than what we are supposed to.

It all just made me realize that I might not be as prepared as I thought I was. This practicum is pass/fail. We fail this practicum, we fail the class. We fail the class, we fail the entire semester and will be repeating EVERY class over again in the fall.

Just a little pressure right?

So please excuse me while I FREAK OUT and try to bring myself back down to reality enough to go back to practicing on my skills.

People aren’t really as scary as I make them out to be

We have this Geri Project in my Health Assessment class. We have to pick a person over 65 to get a health history on so we can practice our interviewing and communication skills. We are supposed to meet with them at least 4 separate times and have specific information we are supposed to collect in each visit. In true It’s Just Me fashion, I put it off until the last minute. While the entire project isn’t due for several more weeks, we do have a process recording that is part of this project due in a week.

My mother found a lady in her church that was willing to let me interview her for my project. I have had this lady’s information for about 3 weeks now. It took me about 2 days just to talk myself into picking up the phone and calling her. Stupid anxiety.

I have no idea why I get myself all worked up over the stupidest things. This lady was super nice and I really enjoyed talking with her. The interview went WAY over. We are supposed to try to keep our visits to about 30 minutes each. I was there for well over 2 hours. She talked about her children, her family, was VERY open with her health history, and her husband even joined our conversation for a bit. (Before he excused himself, he made it a point to tell me that he is happy that I am going into nursing, that good nurses are needed, especially for all the “old” people like them.) We laughed, we smiled, she almost even made me cry, but it was an absolutely fantastic eye-opening visit.

I really wish I could figure out what makes me so nervous about people and get the hell over it.

I'm an idiot

I've had this blog for about a year and a half and it JUST NOW occured to me that my title is all wrong.

Where was the freakin' grammar police when I needed them?

I feel so stupid.

Bad grammar irritates the crap out of me.

Their, there, they're

A lot (not alot)

Here, hear

To, too, two

Whose, Who's


Oh geez. Now I must change my blog title and go slap myself for being so dumb and not even realizing it. Maybe I'm really not smart enough for this nursing stuff since I can't even create a grammatically correct blog title.

Week 3 & 4 - I'm still here....barely

Case Study: 29 year old female presents with shaky hands, slurring words, and is babbling incoherantly. Dark circles are noted under eyes. Children have followed female in shouting "Mommy! Mommy!" while obvious ticks are apparent in patient. Patient assumes fetal position on the floor while saying "all research and no play makes mommy a bad mommy".

Possible Nursing Diagnosis':

Anxiety R/T inability to focus on needs of family while in school AEB twitching and assuming the fetal position

Ineffective Coping R/T situational crises AEB Insomnia


It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm stressing big time about this stupid research paper I have to get done in a week. Oh, and my part of the group project that I need to have done at the same time. (Our group has FINALLY decided to start communicating...finally). Oh, AND I still need to contact my geri patient and start my health assessment project. So much to do and the time seems to be running out quick. I always say I work better under pressure but I really hate the stress it brings.

Other than my usual procrastination on major projects, everything else seems to be going well. We are actually learning some fun things in my Skills class. I feel like we are finally learning how to be a nurse. Call me crazy but I find the nursing process pretty interesting.

Things at home? Not so great. The kids are really whinning for some mommy time, the husband doesn't seem to be pitching in as much as he promised he would and most days he isn't even around. He seems to think because I am only in class for 4 hours a day that I have all the time in the world to do everything else. He promised me that he knew what we were in for, that he would really pick up the slack and wouldn't get on me so much about the house being clean, or laundry being done, but he has definitely backed out on that promise and doesn't understand why I am barely speaking to him when I do see him.

I gave him the last 2 years to get into his volunteering at the fire department. I put up with him running out of the house at the drop of a tone and not knowing when he would return. I put up with him choosing the fire department over his family more times than I can count. I asked him to give me my turn for 2 years. 2 years of dedication to what I want and he can't even give me a week.

Obviously I am very frustrated with the man right now. I could go on and on but I better stop before it gets any worse.

Day 06: 30 slightly interesting facts about me

1. I used to play the flute.

2. I was actually really good at it but my high school made us do marching band and I was too cool for marching band so I quit.

3. I never went to band camp.

4. I wish I would have sucked it up and stayed in band. I would have made so many lifelong friends if I wasn’t so worried about my non-existent high school image.

5. I retreated to the dark room instead.

6. I still use film and develop it myself.

7. There is something amazing about exposing your paper to light, putting it into chemicals and seeing the image appear.

8. I don’t do it as much in this digital world and I miss it.

9. I sing when I drive. Loudly.

10. I can’t carry a tune but wish I could because I love to sing.

11. You won’t see me on American Idol though because I know I can’t sing.

12. I also car dance.

13. My kids love it right now but I am sure as they get older it will embarrass them. It embarrasses my husband.

14. That’s why I do it every time I am in the car with him.

15. I have a HUGE fear of drowning.

16. For that reason I hate swimming but suck it up anyways because my kids love it.

17. I’d rather be on a lake than at the beach.

18. I hate getting all sandy from the beach. That shit gets everywhere and makes me feel gross.

19. I never wanted kids growing up.

20. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, most days.

21. I’m scared to become a nurse.

22. I don’t feel like I am smart enough for this.

23. I’m worried I am not going to know what I am doing and end up killing someone.

24. I’m pretty damn stubborn even when I know I am wrong.

25. I don’t like chocolate.

26. I live in the suburbs but wish for a high rise condo downtown.

27. My husband wants to retire in the country. With cows. The thought of that makes me crazy.

28. I have a feeling we will be retiring in two different places. The country is not my thing.

29. I’m a compulsive shopper. I call it my therapy but I think I might need an intervention.

30. I skipped day 5 because I don’t want to go there.

Day 04: Religion

I read something recently that pretty much sums up how I feel about religion.

"Religion is like a penis: it's fine to have one, it's fine to be proud of it - but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around. And PLEASE don't try to shove it down my or my children's throats"

– anonymous

Needless to say, I am not a religious person.

Day 03: Alcohol: Love to hate you

Drugs. Don’t do them unless prescribed. Drugs are bad, m’kay?


Alcohol is tricky for me. I was never around alcohol growing up. I was raised Mormon. No one in my family drank. I didn’t have my first taste of alcohol until I was 18 and in college and even then I wasn’t really a big drinker. During my adult years, after my first kid, was when I started drinking more. We used to hang out with a two different couples at each other’s house every weekend and drink. It was actually a really great time in my life. Care free, fun.

Then things fell apart. My best friend and I had a falling out. We stopped speaking and I woke up one morning after Christmas to a phone call telling me her and her husband were killed.

By a drunk driver.



Coincidentally, she had just picked her husband up from the bar because he was too drunk to drive home.

I have never looked at alcohol the same again.

I still drink occasionally. Mostly, it is to self medicate. I never drink alone but I find when I do feel like having a drink, it is when I am feeling low. While it gives me a pick-me-up during, it throws me back down lower for weeks after.

I am actually considering giving up the juice but I still enjoy having a random beer or glass of wine with the neighbor while we wind down from the busy week.

Day 02: 10 Years from now…

It's early in the morning. I feel like I had just gotten home from my 12 hour shift the day before. I walk into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee before I get in the shower to get ready for another long shift.


I am working in the CCU of one of the top hospitals in the city. I love my job. I have great coworkers and great rapport with the physicians on my unit. I am confident, but not cocky. I finally feel like I have a grasp on this nursing business and I am so thankful for the risks I took 10 years prior to become a nurse. I am so thankful I stuck it out in the hell that is nursing school so I can become what I am now.

My oldest daughter is in her senior year of high school. She is in the process of picking out which college she wants to go to. My heart swells with pride and my eyes swell with tears knowing she is all grown up. She wants to be a teacher. I saw it in her 10 years ago. The way she loved to learn. The way she loved to “teach” her sister and all the little kids in the cul-de-sac. She is going to be amazing. She IS amazing.

My youngest daughter is in that awkward stage between pre-teen and teen. She is just as beautiful as her sister is but not quite as independent. I can really see a lot of myself in her. Shy, but outgoing with her close group of friends. Smart but doesn’t realize it. She has a big heart and I am really looking forward to what the next 10 years with her brings.

Group projects can suck my...

I hate them.

I hate them so much that I would rather just do everything myself than have to deal with working with other people.

You would think since my program is so competitve (you really have to be on top of your game to get in) that I wouldn't have to worry so much about other people not doing their part.

You would think.

I always get stuck with a sucky group. No one is communicating. No one is working with anyone else. I have sent out several emails and no one responds. Or they respond DAYS later. We have to do a group culture project where we all have to go out, as a group, and "experience the culture". One of the girls thinks it doesn't have to be done as a group. Another is working any time she isn't in school (how is that fair to the rest of us) and another guy works every weekend.

Fine, whatever. I plan a meeting with the three others that CAN meet and it's done.

That is until I get an email from the first girl who was under the impression that it could be done individually. She now all of a sudden realizes that yes, it does need to be a group effort, only she can't meet the day the rest of us have planned.

Somebody shoot me.

It took me two weeks just to set up this time with the ones who were willing to work on the group project as a group.

I freakin' hate group projects.

Day 01: My Relationship

I met my husband my freshman year of high school in gym class. I guess those sexy uniforms and all that teenage sweat did him in. He used to leave little stuffed animals and flowers on my doorstep. He would call and tell me to look outside and I would find them sitting there.

We were friends first. We had a group of friends that would hang out and ride my go cart, swim in my parent’s pool, beat each other up playing basketball in gym. Before he got his truck he would ride his bike to my house all the time. We would go to the nearby park and just hang out.

Toward the end of my freshman year he passed me a note that said “I am asking you this in a note because I don't have the balls to do it in person. Would you go out with me?” (Thank God he didn’t put “check yes or no”)

I said no.

We remained friends.

Summer came and we continued to hang out all.the.time. One day, I saw him differently. I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what changed, but I realized I had feelings for him. I hoped I didn’t ruin my chances by saying no before and wished he would ask me again.

He did.

This time in person.

I said yes.

I went to a different high school after that but we continued to “go out” throughout high school. I moved about 2 hours away for college and he drove up there nearly every weekend to see me. A year later, he proposed. (I am still not entirely convinced that it wasn’t because he was tired of putting all those miles on his truck and just wanted to get me closer, but I digress...)

I SO wish I was that skinny again...

I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart for almost 9 years now. (OMG that just made me feel so old - and the fact that we look like we were 12 in that pic doesn't help).

I would be a liar if I said our relationship was perfect. That we are best friends. We have definitely had our share of hard times but so far have managed to pull through them, I wouldn’t say stronger, but definitely wiser.

I will say that our relationship is a work in progress. That I do love him. That it scares me every time he runs out of the house to fight a fire. I really can't imagine life without him. I am content.

He gave me two amazing children.

He has a huge heart and he makes me proud to be his wife.

(For the record. This was from an 80's party. I don't normally dress in fishnets)