Sometimes you feel like a nut mooch

Sometimes you don’t.

Today I do.

I bit the bullet and asked my grandfather for a loan for school. I HATE that I had to do that. I was so close to submitting an application for a loan when I decided to try to get a loan from him first. I know, never borrow money from family and all that shiz. Desperate times call for desperate measures though. If I would have stayed in school instead of quitting to get married and start a family, it would have been paid for in full by him. I know he is big on higher education. I know that I am asking him for a very good reason. It’s not like I am mooching to support a gambling or drug addiction habit...

Why do I still feel ashamed that I had to ask?

Getting a little skeered

I would be a big fat liar if I told you that I wasn’t freaking out about the fact that I will be jobless (by choice) in just over 2 months. I would also be an even bigger liar if I told you I wasn’t still going back and forth on that choice I made just a month ago to go this direction. I am very nervous of what is going to happen once I quit. There will be no turning back once I hand in that notice and it is definitely a scary thought. I have been trying to take a “what happens, happens” approach and have been trying to convince myself that things will work out, even if it gets really hard.

Today though?

Today, for some reason, I have become absolutely terrified. I mean, I have a family to worry about. What the hell am I doing? I feel like I am putting my husband in a very stressful position and even though he has been pretty supportive of this decision so far, I can really start to see the stress in his eyes. He is probably just as, if not more afraid of all of this than I am. I am starting to think that it might be a good idea to try and take out a student loan as a just in case before I quit.

I know that there will be doubts in just about every decision one makes. I am not going to change my plan, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be completely terrified of what is going to happen in July when I hand in my notice.

The Love Jar

I have a confession to make. I am a habitual idea stealer.

There. I said it.

That’s right. When I find an idea that I absolutely LOVE, I can’t resist stealing it. In this case, I was doing my normal Friday thing, checking out all the Feel Good Friday’s over at The Girl Next Door Grows Up, when her very own Feel Good Friday post about her husband’s Love Jar to her gave me a fabulous idea. (ok, well it wasn’t my idea exactly but, you know – can I just say, she is one lucky woman to have such an inventive, thoughtful husband).

It’s no secret that I haven’t been the best mother to my amazing little girls lately. Working full time, going to school, all the studying, etc. has unfortunately left me with not much time for my kids. When I happened upon this idea I immediately thought to myself, (after I got over the jealousy of course) I have GOT to do that for my oldest daughter! She would LOVE it!! (The little one is too little to understand so she isn’t missing out on anything :p) This weekend, I went out and got a cute little jar. I decorated it with a bunch of love stickers and wrote out 36 things that I love about my daughter. One for each week for the rest of the year. Every Monday morning, she gets to pull one out and read it.

She was sick last week and ended up missing a few days of school. One of which was Fancy Nancy day. She was so upset. We had her fancy outfit picked out the night before, complete with TONS of jewelry, silk gloves, a fancy dress, and of course, some fancy shoes. I think she cried harder when she realized she was going to miss school that day than she did when she was puking her guts out in the toilet that morning.

Yesterday, we had a Fancy Nancy day of our own. She got to dress up in her fancy outfit, I even dressed up in a fancy outfit, and we read Fancy Nancy books, had a tea party, and did each other’s makeup. It was so nice taking a break from the day to day crap and having some one on one time with my daughter. As we were cleaning up our fun, I gave her the Love Jar I had made and told her how it worked. She was so excited that I had to let her get a note out of the jar right then and there!

"I love the way you make me smile"

Sometimes I need to step back and realize that it is the little things that will get us through this. The little moments are often worth more than the big ones. I hope by doing this she will know that even though I am so busy with school and work right now, even though I seem to always be grumpy or yelling at her, even though I’m not around as much as I would like to be, that I love her so much.

Thank you The Girl Next Door’s husband, for giving me a great idea to steal!

WOO HOO!!! My first EVER award!!!

I feel so special right now! One of my favorite bloggy friends was kind enough to pass down a neat little blog award to me. Thanks Marianne for popping my blog award cherry. :p



So without further ado, here are ten random confessions that you may or may not care to know.

1.I am a HUGE procrastinator. In fact, I am blogging right now to avoid doing the pile of homework I have to get finished today including my A&P presentation, a couple of essays for my Art class, and studying for my last lab exam this week. I also need to find my social security card so I can enroll in the CNA course and have yet to put forth an effort to even try to locate the damn thing. Last semester I finished my 10 page research paper for my Developmental Psych class in one day which also happened to be the day it was due. This is probably something I should really work on before it bites me in the ass in NS.

2. I hate chocolate. (“What?!” “Huh?” “You can’t be serious!!!”) Yes, it’s true. I am not a fan of chocolate. Chocolate cake, chocolate pie, chocolate candy, chocolate anything. I can’t stand it. People think I am full of it when I tell them this, after all isn’t it a typical stereotype that ALL women love chocolate? I defy the rules I tell ya.

3. I am trying to woo this chick into being my friend but I think I am coming off as rather stalkerish. There was something about her the first time we met that I really liked. She is always happy and cheerful, super fashionable, and just seems like someone I could really click with. I feel like I am coming off a bit like a desperate creep though so it might be time to back off before I unintentionally offer up my first born child in exchange for her friendship.

4. I am only on number four and running out of things to confess.

5. That makes me feel slightly lame.

6. I hate making small talk with people. I’m not any good at it. I usually end up sharing way too much with potential friends because I can’t think of anything to talk about. I hate talking about the weather, people only want to hear so much about your kids, or nursing school, or your boring job.

7. I think I have social anxiety. Actually, I’m pretty sure I do. I get nervous and sweat and most of the time would rather not go out with a bunch of people I don’t know because I get all awkward and nervous when I am out in public. (see #6)

8. I was really disappointed when I found out my youngest was a girl. I wouldn’t trade her for the world now though and sometimes I feel like I might favor her over my oldest and that makes me feel like a crap mom.

9. I’m only on #9?

10. I have had a ton of people jump into my following lately and that makes me feel super happy. I love logging in and seeing I have a new follower. When I started this blog I had no idea I would even develop a following and figured no one would be interested in the crap I have to say. I must say, that I am falling in love with the world of blogging more and more every day.

So there you have it. 10 confessions (ok, I realize I cheated a little) Now it’s my turn to pass on the award to some of my favorite blog friends.

1) Christine @ A Journey Through Nursing School….& Beyond – You are an amazing woman and I hope you know this.

2) At Your Cervix – Thank you for all of your thoughtful comments on my blog lately. I love reading your honesty on your blog about what you do and how you feel about it. You are the kind of nurse I look up to and hope to become.

3) Will @ Drawing on Experience – You are freakin hilarious! I absolutely love your drawings and hope you take this award so I can see what you come up with.

4) Nursing Student Mom @ Diary Confessions of a Nursing Student Mom – She is a newbie blogger like me and we seem to be on the same timeline for this crazy ride called Nursing School.

5) Belinda @ Too Many Hats – You have inspired me in so many ways and I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it.

6) The Girl @ The Girl Next Door Grows Up – I love how you have such a HUGE following and you still make time to comment on small blogs like mine. Not to mention, you make me try to feel good about myself at least once a week and that is very much appreciated.

7) Rn2b @ Send a Man To Nursing School – You have really made me think long and hard about a lot of things in my life lately and I want to thank you for your wise words you have offered up recently.

8) Michelle @ Pink Haired Momma – What can I say? I love your quirkiness and they way you are absolutely in love with little baby Diva.

9) Elizabeth @ Confessions of a Working Mom – You also have such a huge following and you too make time to comment on my blog. I also love your honestly about raising your kiddo and being a working mom.

10) Crazed Mom @ Chasing Myself – You are so open with your feelings and I love that about you. I wish I could reach through the computer sometimes and give you a great big hug.

So there you have it. My first award passed on to you. I hope you feel special. :)

Hey you! Yeah, YOU!

I see you.

I know you are lurking.

If you are a nurse/student nurse, do me a favor and answer a question for me:

When you went into NS, did you already have an idea of what you wanted to specialize in? Did that change once you went through the program? Did you discover a nursing specialty while in school that changed your mind completely about what you wanted to do? Are you currently doing what you really want to be doing? Are you happy doing it?

Ok, so that was more than just a question.

For those of you that are still in the pre nursing stage like I am, are you already set on a specialty? Do you have something that you just know you want to be doing? Do you think you will change your mind?

For me, I have gone from one thing to the next and I haven’t even started yet! First I wanted to work in L&D (I know, who doesn’t?), then I changed to wanting to work in the NICU. (again, another one EVERYONE seems to want), then I became fascinated with Flight Nursing, and now I am stuck on Forensic Nursing. I haven’t even stepped foot into NS yet so there is no telling what I will really catch my interest.

That’s the thing I love about this profession. There are SO many opportunities out there in just about anything. What one person thrives in doing, another person could absolutely cringe at the thought of. I am really looking forward to seeing where I will eventually land. I really hope I am able to find that job that I really love doing and don’t get stuck somewhere I don’t want to be. That’s exactly the situation I am currently trying to get myself out of.

Things that make you feel good #274836

Trying on a pair of pants that haven't fit you in over two years and realizing that THEY FIT AGAIN!!!! So what if they were my fat pants before I had to move up to my current pair of fat pants. THEY FIT!!!

Getting back into running is at least doing good for the waistline.

Three more weeks...

6 more days of class (not counting my online class), two finals, and one lab exam and this semester is OVER!! Looking back, it seems like it has gone by pretty fast but as I was right in the middle of it, it felt like it was taking FOREVER.

I will have an 8 week break until my next classes start. I am really considering taking another course during the first summer session. Maybe a History course or something toward my BSN. I haven’t stopped since I started this and I’m not sure what I will do with myself if I have a whole 8 weeks of no classes.

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my last post. I was feeling pretty down and emotional (obviously) which was heightened by the fact that I had a few drinks after class that night. Me + Alcohol = either A) spastic motor mouth who thinks she can dance or B) completely overly emotional crybaby. I really appreciated you taking the time to comment. It made me smile.

A couple of you mentioned therapy. Yes, I have been there before. Last year in fact. I don’t think it really helped at all. It could have been though that I only went for a few months (stopped because I was paying out of pocket at $120 a session) and I’m not really sure I clicked very well with the therapist. Plus it turned into more of a marriage counseling session (she wanted my husband to start coming with me) than a session just for me. I am not opposed to finding another one but when do I have the time (or the money)?

SendAManToNursingSchool asked what I do that is just for me. I guess I have been considering school something for me. Is it not? I mean, I am doing it to better my family, but really, it feels like I am doing it more for myself than anything else. I’ve also started running again. I used to run when I was younger (like 15 years ago) and I enjoyed it so much. It has been nice getting out by myself in the evenings and going for a run. I am hoping that not only will this help me lose some stubborn lbs, but it will also help my mood a bit. I love the pumped feeling I get after a good run.

I’m not sure that any of that will help with the alone feeling I have though. I’m hoping that some of you are right, and once I start doing something I actually want to do, things will get better. Hopefully once I pass my CNA course and start the steps in that direction I will start feeling less alone.

This is my brain on alcohol

I went out tonight and had a few drinks with some of my classmates from my A&P II class. I am telling you now, I am probably going to be spewing some crap that is unnecessarily long and makes absolutely no sense at all and if I was smart, I would probably be deleting in the morning (or not posting at all).

That was my pathetic attempt at a warning. So, you have been warned.

I seem to have been all over the place emotionally lately. I have really been trying hard to put on my “I have it all figured out” face but inside, I really do feel like I am drowning.

This past weekend I got the crazy idea that I wanted to have another baby.

Yep, you read that right. A-N-O-T-H-E-R baby. As in numero three (well technically four). Right in the middle of my almost midlife crisis I seem to be going through. I had myself (and my husband) almost convinced that another baby would be no big deal. I could manage it. I would put off nursing school until August 2011 (wait, wasn’t I just SOO awfully upset about having to do that a few weeks ago?) still work at my amazingly boring job, and have another baby. I could sacrifice for something like that right?!?! It’s not like three, AND nursing school, AND working as a CNA would be a big deal. RIGHT?!?!?

Truth is, I feel absolutely, completely empty inside and the only way I can think about filling this void in me is to have another baby.

Wrong answer.

Incredibly wrong answer.

I know this. Something in me though, is trying to convince irrational-me that having another baby would solve all my problems. Would make me feel complete. Having-a-few-too-many-drinks-me though, KNOWS that this would be a bad idea. WHY? Because I can’t even handle life as it is. I pretend that “busy” me is happy. That “busy” is the only way I can actually function. Truth is “busy” keeps me from thinking. When I am running a million miles a minute, trying to jump from employee, to mother, to student, to wife, I don’t have time to really sit down and dive into what I am really feeling, which is alone.

I feel alone.

I am surrounded by all these people in my life and yet, I feel so out of touch with everyone. My husband and I don’t talk much. With me in school, and him at the fire station when I am not in school, we hardly see each other. (Not that we talk much at all when we do see each other). I go through the motions of being a mother to my kids without really feeling like much of a mother, and let’s face it, I am a CRAP employee right now, just trying to make it through a few more months.

I feel as lost as ever right now.

I haven’t been posting much lately because my blog has seemed to turn into some kind of emotional dumping ground. But this is MY blog right? It can be whatever I want it to be (even if I still don’t know what I want it to be). If nowhere else, this should be the place where I can be honest, and not have to put on a front like everywhere else in my life. For some reason though, I feel like I have to put on a happy face, even here.

I have no idea where I am going with this but I know it needed to come out, even if it is garbled. Even if it makes no sense.

I just feel completely and utterly alone and I HATE this feeling.

Feel GOOD Friday!!

Hi readers! Long time no post. Sorry about that. Things have been super busy this week. I haven’t even had time to comment or even read anyone’s blogs this week. I have some major catching up to do.

But first –

My last attempt at Feel Good Friday didn’t go so well and I ended up having to recreate it so it applied better to my day. Today however, I am sticking with Feeling Good and boy do I have so many things to feel good about!

1) I am feeling more and more confident about my decision to quit in July. So far this month (I do realize we are not even half way through but baby steps right?!) we have been doing EXCELLENT at saving our money and watching our spending. Even when I hear all the negative comments about what I plan to do, I have been able to push them out and not let them change my mind like I usually would which is a HUGE step for me.

2) My super amazing daughter got another super amazing report card. I know I shouldn’t have expected any differently from her but it really makes me feel good when I see all those high marks and accolades from her teacher. That’s MY kid! I can only imagine what she would be doing if I only had the time to really work with her like I should. As it stands right now, I barely even have time to help her with her homework. *sigh* but we are Feeling Good today so moving on…

3) Another GREAT score on my A&P test.

4) My youngest is TALKING!!!! Real honest to goodness words that not only her mother can understand! (after all, as mothers, we seem to develop rather quickly another language. “eh” and “ba” and “goo” actually start to make sense to us, even if it makes no sense whatsoever to anyone else – “ ‘ba’ you say dear? No worries, I will get you a cracker right away love”)

5) And finally, I am absolutely blown away by the generosity and support I have received from my friends, family, and co-workers today. The MADD walk in my town is coming up and I solicited donations from everyone I knew thinking it would be great if I could just get a few to donate to the cause and support my walk for my friends. In just under 2 hours, I had nearly $300 in donations and they are STILL coming in as I type. Amazing. Absolutely incredible.

It’s been a great week and I hope that it continues to be great through the weekend and into next week.

Thanks to all of you who stopped by and to all my regular readers. Now it is time for me to catch up with what is going on in all of your worlds