Mommy Guilt

How do you get over the feeling like you are missing a big part of your children’s lives by not only working full time, but going to school as well? I keep telling myself that I am doing this for them as much as I am for myself but it doesn’t seem to help matters any. I miss my kids. My oldest started Kindergarten on Monday. I didn’t even get a chance to talk to her much about her first day because less than an hour after she got home, I was off to my evening class and didn’t get home until after she was in bed. I didn’t even get to see my youngest yesterday since she was still asleep when I left for work, and I had to run straight to campus right after work to take a pre-assessment test before class started.

These are big times in my kids' lives right now. The oldest is going through a rite of passage and morphing into this little person. The youngest will be one in just a few short days and is mastering her milestones so quickly. I feel that, even though this is for their futures as well as mine, I am doing them a disservice by not being there as much as I can. The guilt for working rather than being home with them already runs so deep that taking away even just a few hours extra a week are really killing me.

I know it has only been two days. I know that we will all get through it and do it all over again next semester, and the semester after that, and during Nursing school where it will more than likely be even worse. For now, though, I am trying really hard to let go of this guilt.

I miss my kids.

Whew!

Day one of A&P was on Monday. I have to say that so far, it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’m not naïve enough to think that it is going to be an easy course, but for the most part, I think I will be able to get through it without too much stress. My lab group is fantastic. I will admit that during lecture I scoped out a few people who I thought would be good in lab and made sure to sit at the same table as them. Fortunately, everyone seems to be on top of it and in it for the A. We have already been exchanging emails between our group, and we have set up a study group on Sundays. There are two other pre-nursing students in my group which is actually kind of surprising as I thought there would be more.

Day two is tonight. Tonight is when we start hitting the ground running in the course. We got all of the nitty gritty details out of the way on Monday. I hope that the evenings fly by as fast as they did during the last class and I really hope my lab group is all that they seem to be. If so, I have a feeling this isn’t going to be such a big scary monster after all.

One more down!

Summer session is now over and I have gotten two of my pre-reqs out of the way! I am happy to report that I got A’s in both Sociology and Gen Psych!!! They were both great classes to get me back into the school mind frame after so many years on hiatus. This fall is going to be the real test though. I just found out that our tests for my Lifespan Psych class have to be taken on campus. So far, I have been able to take all the tests for my online classes at home which has been really nice. Now I have to figure out how to schedule in an extra trip to campus to take the tests. And, if I am being completely honest, it was nice getting to use my books for the tests. I was really hoping I would be able to do the same with this class so I could focus most of my studying on A&P. I suppose I should look at this as more practice in time management which I will need plenty of for Nursing School.

Almost time! One week off to get prepared for the fall semester! Did I mention that my oldest daughter also starts Kindergarten the same day the fall semester starts?! We are a big bundle of excitement in our house!!

How does that make you feel?

I have GOT to get out of this job. My new boss is a tyrant. Second official day on the job and he has already fired someone. He has been sending out emails left and right about new office processes. Ridiculous. I get that things need to change, but how about stepping in, getting a feel for what is going on, THEN making the changes? Right now, the only thing he is doing is upsetting everyone by his completely asinine rules. If I thought office morale was low before, I think it has just reached new depths.

Fortunately, I have an interview tomorrow for the new position I applied for. I really hope that I get it. I am burning out fast at this job and I know I won’t be around much longer if I don’t move on from here. If I don’t get it, there is another position I will try for and if that falls through as well I might try to look outside the company and see if there is something that can hold me over for another year or so. I know it won’t be an easy task seeing as everyone is looking for a job these days but I have to do something.

I can feel myself falling back into depression and it is all because of this lousy job. I can’t let myself go there. Not with the challenging semester ahead. I have to stay focused on the goal. I need to do well in this class and in order to do well I need to have a clear head. I need to stay focused so I can keep my family focused. I can’t let my job bring me down but it is so difficult to fight it when the majority of my time is spent in this shit hole.

I have to do something.

2 weeks, 2 hours, 12 minutes...

I am starting to feel increasingly anxious about my Anatomy and Physiology class coming up in 2 weeks. The instructor for the course was FINALLY assigned and I was able to do a quick search and find the syllabus from last fall. YIKES! This course is going to be really intense. Luckily, this instructor has all of his power point presentations for each lecture and lab online to download. That should be pretty helpful. Now that I know a tentative schedule (I do realize this is a year old and subject to change) I plan on getting some reading done ahead so hopefully it won’t be too overwhelming in the beginning. Everywhere I have read it stresses how Gen Bio is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED before taking this course.

I dropped out of Gen Bio 10 years ago.

I hope that I won’t regret taking this course without it.

In the meantime...

I am really unhappy at my current job. Not just the run of the mill this-job-sucks type unhappiness. I’m talking about, can’t get out of bed, don’t want to deal with the crappy new boss, try to find anything other than actual work to do during the day, carry home my crappy attitude unhappiness. It is really dragging me down. My stomach starts gurgling and flipping on my way to work every day because I just can’t stand the thought of having to explain for the millionth time to my extremely dense boss why the special projects I work on cause the reports to look off. It is just infuriating that I constantly have him over my shoulder questioning everything I do. I have been doing this for 4 years now. I know what the hell I am doing.

In light of all that, I have decided to pursue a few other job opportunities within my current company. I really thought I could stick it out and make it work in my current position until I could quit for nursing school but it is not looking very likely. I honestly cannot take another year and a half of this. These new opportunities have their good and bad sides. I *think* either one of them would be more enjoyable than what I am doing now. I really enjoy a challenge and I am pretty sure both will offer just that. They will most definitely get me away from all the bullshit that goes on where I am now. The crappy manager, the equally unhappy, pissy co-workers, the micro-management of it all. It will probably be more money. This will really help us get things paid off faster, and really help pay for my schooling (and books, geez). The best one of all? NO ON CALL!! I can’t tell you how much I hate being on call. Actually, I can. I CAN’T FREAKIN’ STAND IT!! The downsides are that it is far from home. Right now I work about 5 miles from my house. I get to go and see my girls at lunch every day, I am home by 4:30 at the latest. No more seeing the girls at lunch, no more getting home at a reasonable time. I really feel bad about accepting a new position in the company, and having people count on me to be around for the long haul then leave them high and dry in a year.

I have submitted my resume to one position already. There are a few people I have worked with over the years that are putting in a good word for me. I feel semi confident that I would be a good candidate for it. The other one, I am still debating if I want to apply or not. It would get me out of here so I should, but I’m hesitant. I think I will just have to bite the bullet and do it. Anything is better than where I am now.

Wish me luck! Although this is ultimately not what I want to do with the rest of my life, I look at it as a stepping stone in the right direction (not getting fired or quitting leaving me unable to continue my schooling.)

Oh, and did I mention that I have to inform my maniac boss that I am applying for these positions. I am worried how that is going to go over…