Wordy Wednesday

*It’s a play on “Wordless Wednesday”. See how clever I am?*

- I am still hanging on to my CNA and Pharm classes. No worries, I have no intention of giving up, it has just become more of a struggle than I had anticipated.

- I still feel like I am in way over my head for this pharmacology stuff. I am starting to think that taking this class during a shortened summer semester wasn’t exactly the best idea. Now it has become more of a cram session, whereas if I had taken it in a longer semester it would be moving more slowly allowing me to actually absorb more of the information.

- I volunteered to be the “patient” in last night’s CNA class, putting myself WAY out of my comfort zone. I am so glad I did though because it really helped me see how nervous everyone else really was. Obviously I am not the only one that has a hard time with the “communication” part.

- Not only did that help me realize I wasn’t alone, it also put me at an excellent advantage since I got to see and help everyone else do the skills so when it was my turn, I had it down nearly perfectly. I wasn’t as nervous as I would have been without all that extra “help” so I found that I was able to walk through all the steps much easier, and with less anxiety. I still have a long ways to go before I am totally comfortable with this, but I hope that as this class progresses I will find myself less and less nervous. (now if I could only have more than 24 hours to practice this stuff on real patients in a real setting.)

- Part of me really hopes that my job will soon bid me farewell, while the other part hopes I can hang on to it as long as possible. We really need all the money we can get, but I feel so out of place. Like I’m in limbo. I find myself jumping around between so many different things lately (school, work, kids, school, studying) that I can’t seem to catch up on any one thing. I suppose it is something I better get used to now though right?

Overwhelming Self Doubts

I feel my stress level rising and that is not a good sign. I have finished the first week of my CNA class and while I don’t find the material difficult at all, I am extremely nervous about having to “perform” in front of a bunch of strangers. I seem to have clicked really well with one of the other ladies in my class, which helps me feel a little more comfortable but I still get very anxious just thinking about having to do some of these things in front of other people.

This is a huge character flaw in myself I have known about for a long time. I am not a social person at all. I hate to be watched and I get nervous in crowds, hell even in small unfamiliar groups. I freeze, then sweat. I had really hoped that doing this would help me get over whatever fear I have but I am worried it is going to cause me to doubt myself so much I end up quitting altogether. I mean, my heart starts beating a million miles a minute as soon as someone mentions just having to talk to people. That cannot be normal right?

I was watching one of my new favorite shows last night, Boston Med, and as I saw the nurse interacting with the patient I immediately thought to myself, there is no way I can do that. What am I getting myself in to? Shouldn’t it be different? Shouldn’t I have been excited to imagine myself in that situation? Normally I would be, but something has changed. Doubt has really set in.

I have also recently started my online Pharmacology class. I was looking forward to this class until I started reading some of the lectures and discussion topics we will be going over. I feel like I am in way over my head with this class. No wonder my campus is so adamant about students taking it while in the nursing program rather than before. It really seems like you have to have some good basic knowledge of nursing in order to understand most of this stuff. It has really gotten me thinking: If I can’t handle a silly little Pharm class, what makes me think I am going to be able to handle an entire Nursing program?

To top it all off, this week has been hard. I am trying to work out a whole new schedule. Between being at home with my kids all the time now, to trying to work out when I can get my part time hours in for my job, to working in some studying and going to class, it has been very hectic. I feel so out of order. Things are in chaos around me and I am trying to figure out how to gather up all my balls and start juggling them again. I don’t have much time to get it all figured out either.

Such a change from last week, when I was so excited to get started on all of this, to this week, where I feel I am in way over my head and wondering what the hell I have done.

Something's in the air

I was sitting here feeling bad for not posting much lately (especially bad since I haven’t been keeping up with my Sunday deal either) when I realized, Hey, I’m not the only one who hasn’t been around much these days. Quite a few of my favorite bloggy friends have been on a hiatus as well. It must be that time of year. So now, I really don’t feel as bad as I did – but still a little bad.

I’m not sure what it is. I could pour out a list of excuses a mile long for why I have gone into hiding but I just don’t feel like making the effort.

And that right there, my friends, is my problem.

I just don’t feel like making an effort at much these days. I would promise to do better, keep up with the blog a little more, try to put in more effort…

But then I would just be a liar.

Officially Un....errr wait, nope. Still Employed.

That's right. I still have a J-O-B

For how much longer, I have no idea.

I went to what I thought was going to be my exit interview, and I was met with pleadings to stay, an inquisition if you will. I told them I could stay as long as they needed me to however, I will only work from home and they would have to work around my schedule. After more (boring) discussion, we all decided that I will stay on from home part time until they can get somebody else in here.

Honestly, I am a bit relieved. (things always have a way of working out right?!?) We really could use the extra paycheck this will bring and this means there will be less time with me unemployed while working through my CNA course.

I love it when things fall into place. Let’s just hope they keep falling exactly as they are.

Today's the Day!

Today starts the enrollment period for the Spring 2011 Nursing program. I have had this day on my calendar for MONTHS now and it is finally here. Even though I can't apply yet (waiting on that last friggin credit*) I am super excited. It just means I am that much closer.

I have decided it is a good thing I can't apply right away. It means there is less time for me to sit around and wait, and wait, and wait for them to send me an acceptance/rejection letter. That means there is less time for me to go crazy with impatience.

Who am I kidding.

I am the most impatient person on the planet.

But still...

Next week I start that last stinky credit and my CNA course (and Pharm but who's counting). Hopefully I will be busy enough that the day's will fly by.

*Is it crazy that I am actually looking forward to this PE class? It gives me a reason to get off my ass and I am hoping I might even lose some of these stubborn lbs. I look at it like my own personal trainer 4 days a week for 6 weeks. Can't beat that right?