Whose life is this anyways?

What kind of Nurse are YOU?

2011-09-16T22:28:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking lately about the different kind of nurses out there. There seems to be the ones that love nursing for the patient interaction. They love helping people. They just really love people.

Then there are the ones that are more technically minded. The ones that love the diseases, the machines, the procedures, the lab values, and of course they kinda like the people too.

I think I fall into the latter category. If I’m being honest, people scare me. Diseases fascinate me. When I was doing my outpatient surgery rotation I was in love with being in that procedure room. I ate up every last word the physicians said about the procedures. I loved looking at the monitors and watching the vital signs of the patient under anesthesia. Being able to see inside that patient’s body was absolutely amazing.

I’m still struggling with my patient communication thing. I have a really hard time talking to the patients. I’m pretty good at reading lab values, looking over the chart, understanding the disease process, and knowing what needs to be done, but when it comes to actually having to have a conversation with them, I still have a really hard time.

I wonder if it is something I am going to get over, or if it is something that will always be difficult for me.

So what kind of Nurse are YOU?

I Hate Med/Surg

2011-09-15T22:18:00.000-05:00

I want to start this by saying that I hope I don’t offend any med/surg nurses. It really takes a special person to be a med/surg nurse. I just don’t think that person is me.

Ya know, I have read all the horror stories about how med/surg is. NO ONE seems to like it. When I started this nursing thing I decided to put all those stories out of my head and go into it without any bias. I thought hey, I could surprise myself and actually be one of the few who actually likes it.

WRONG!

I think that might be why I am wavering about nursing lately. Med/Surg flat out sucks. It seems like the nurses there are just drug pushers. They run around like drug dealers trying to shove the next dose of medication down the 5 or 6 patient’s throats (or PEG tubes, or IV’s, or arms). Now I don’t mean for this to sound like anything bad toward M/S nurses at all! I have come to see the stress and the lack of time to do anything but pass meds. I get it. It’s not the nurses at all (I have meet some really great ones in M/S) it’s the job itself.

This week I had the chance to do a rotation in outpatient surgery. I absolutely LOVED it! There seemed to be more focus on the patients and less focus on the medications. It was fast paced. It was interesting. It was actually fun.

I didn’t get to see any actual surgeries, that will come in a few weeks during my OR rotation, but I did get to see an EGD with PEG tube replacement, a colonoscopy, a nerve block, and some pretty gnarly wound care. I LOVED IT! The nurses there seemed to love to teach me, and even the physicians I met were more than thrilled to explain every last detail of the procedures to me.

I’m not looking forward to getting back to the M/S floor.

Called out by a friend

2011-09-12T09:56:00.001-05:00

The other day I was out chatting with my neighbor. We have become pretty close in the last 4 years since they moved in. I had asked her a few days earlier if she wouldn’t mind me taking some maternity photos of her to get some practice in with my camera.

She was telling me how she was talking to her husband about me wanting to do this, how he said “what is she into now?” and her responding with “Oh you know her. She can’t stay focused on one thing for too long” (I love her brutal honesty).

I thought about that for a while. She’s absolutely right. I really can’t stay focused on one thing for very long. To be honest, I am already starting to wonder what the hell I am doing in nursing school and if this is really what I want to be doing or not.

Looking back on where I have been, I did notice a pattern of focus-to-the-point-of-obsession on something, only to suddenly drop it and get focused on something completely different. I did kind of know this about myself when I started this Nursing journey. One of the reasons I picked Nursing was for the diversity it brings. Is it going to be enough for me though? Is this something I am going to be able to stay in for the long run or am I going to get bored two, maybe three years in? I’d really hate to think that I am doing all this work for nothing, but I’m only half way through the program and I am already starting to have doubts about my long term future in Nursing. Hell, I’m even already starting to think about the next thing I can focus on (photography – see, completely different direction).

I just can’t figure out what makes me do this.

I might be an overachiever

2011-09-10T18:28:00.001-05:00

Just to give you an idea on what I have picked up during my whole 10 day break from school:

I have started my projects for this years big Halloween party - over the top again this year
I have become addicted to Pinterest and in turn, have a million and one craft projects going at once
~~I have decided I need to learn Spanish so I started Rosetta Stone to try to teach myself~~ scratch that, too much for me so I decided to wait until Christmas break to start this again
I have picked my photography back up, this time I am serious
Oh, and I am in Nursing School

Some of this isn't so bad. Most of it really helps me deal with my stress. I love just becoming completely absorbed in some of these projects and I LOVE seeing things when they are finally complete.

Photography is the biggest one. I'm really wanting to improve and maybe if I can get a little better, I might consider doing something professionally. That is, of course, if I can improve. I'm considering starting a new blog documenting my 365 project that I am starting and my growth as a photographer. (I know, I can't even keep up with this one). We'll see.

I just worry I might be overextending myself with all of this during nursing school.

Well Hello There Stranger

2011-09-09T18:25:00.000-05:00

I’ve been neglecting this blog. I know. I’m sorry.

When I started this blog I had every intention of keeping a day to day (or at least a few times a week) update of my journey through nursing school but as always, life and everything else gets in the way.

To say the summer semester kicked my ass would be an understatement. It was tough. There were MANY late nights studying for exams that were every week to every other week, MASSIVE amounts of paperwork to do for clinical, and TONS of information to get into my brain in just 12 short weeks. Needless to say, I had no energy or drive to blog. It took everything I had just to get through that semester.

This semester seems to be going a little slower, or at least at a pace I feel like I can keep up with. I’m hoping (but not promising) that I will be able to blog a bit more about my experiences in nursing school, and life in general (since that seems to be just as interesting these days). This semester we will be in the OR, PACU, and preop which might make for some interesting stories.

I really have missed my outlet here.

Finals go a little something like this around here...

2011-08-16T23:15:00.002-05:00

Stress r/t nursing school AEB excessive intake of coffee and NSAIDS, chronic late night studying, loss of hair, and delirium.

This time tomorrow I will be on a beach somewhere...

2011-07-13T23:39:00.000-05:00

Yes, I might be crazy but at this point I really don't care.

It's mid-semester and my family and I are taking a mini vacation.Things are hectic to say the least. A month ago a friend from nursing school and her 3 kids moved in with me. (yes I said three, so that makes a total of 5 kids under the age of 8 in my house...somebody shoot me). She had some crazy circumstances (no she didn't get a divorce) and had no one to turn to so my husband and I took her in for a year and a half. It's been a little difficult getting used to it all. I'm the type of person who really needs my space and as you can imagine in a house of 8 people, space is limited. On top of that, this semester has been pretty stressful. I'd say I deserve a little vacation in the middle of all this madness.

So the family and I (just mine) are packing up tomorrow morning and heading off to the beach for four days to try to get some relaxation in. Maybe it won't be so bad studying for next week's test with the sand in my toes, the sun shining down on me, and the waves crashing at my feet.

Oh, and I made another A on my F&E test last week (barely). Thanks for all the offers for help! I ended up pulling another all nighter but obviously they work for me as the last two A's have proven. I have a feeling I will have yet another date with 10 cups of coffee and 3 am next week.

Fluid Volume OVERLOAD!!!!

2011-07-02T23:31:00.000-05:00

Next week is our exam on Fluid and Electrolytes.

Someone please help me...

Learning experiences come in the least expected ways

2011-06-21T20:46:00.000-05:00

It is amazing how different the clinical experiences can be from week to week. Last week my nurse taught me quite a bit. She didn’t really let me do much, but she did teach me tons. This week, my nurse didn’t teach me a thing, or at least not like my first nurse did. She pretty much assigned me a patient and let me have at it. I suppose that in itself taught me as well.

I honestly can’t say one was better than the other. I really enjoyed learning from the nurse in that first week, and it was nice to be able to follow her around and get a feel for things rather than jumping in right from the start. It was also nice to be able to actually do things this week though. Today I was able to attempt to start an IV twice, didn’t get it on either try but neither could my clinical instructor so I didn’t feel so bad. I removed a foley, gave meds and water through a PEG, and hung IV piggyback meds/fluids. I’ve done more today than 80% of the students last semester were able to do during their entire semester.

There was something else I learned today though that I think might be even more valuable than any of these skills.

Not to let anyone scare me away from being who I need to be.

My patient today came with a sitter. A PCT that sat with him all day long, repositioning him and making sure he didn’t rip out his IV (which he did), his PEG (which had to be inserted because he kept ripping out his NG tube), or didn’t fall out of bed.

I went in early to look at my patient (yes, I actually did somewhat of an assessment this time, even though he was unresponsive) and to help my nurse and the tech reposition him. The PCT was pretty snotty with me. Snapping at me about which side of the bed I needed to be on, making snide comments about my technique (or lack thereof), didn’t even acknowledge me when I introduced myself and pretty much scared the crap out of me within my first hour on the floor. I walked out of the room very tempted to try to get my nurse to change my assignment. I sat outside his room staring at his chart and told myself “Self, you can do this. Dealing with people that are hard to get along with is part of the learning process”.

And I did just that.

When I went in next it was to try to start an IV. I was scared shitless and a lot of that fear was of the sitter and not the patient. Before I walked in the room, I tried my best to calm my nerves and just went for it. I ignored the PCT and just let my instructor help me. I have no idea what changed but after that the PCT started warming up to me. When I went in again to help reposition, she was completely opposite from the first time. She was friendly and warm, and again when I went in to remove the foley and was struggling with unclamping the drainage bag she offered to help, as friendly as can be.

If I would have let her get to me in the beginning, and got my assignment changed because of her, I would have missed so many great opportunities. I let people scare me too much. I’m not a crier. I can keep my emotions in check pretty well, but my biggest downfall is letting people scare me.

I’m actually really proud of myself for not letting that happen today.

I am in Paperwork Hell

2011-06-15T20:48:00.000-05:00

As the excitement of my first clinical rotation wears off, I am staring down the massive pile of paperwork that I need to turn in by Friday afternoon. I realized that in all the excitement of the day, I really didn’t get a thorough assessment of my patient. In fact, I didn’t get much of an assessment at all. Most of the information I did get was copied from the chart. I can probably fudge most of it for this one, since it is the first care plan we are to turn in, and it is more of a “practice” one than a strictly graded one but I am a little disappointed in myself that I didn’t get the assessment I should have.

All of this makes me realize that while I have come a long way in the self confidence department, actually talking to some people, and getting in there and doing things rather than just being a fly on the wall, I still have a ways to go before I become who I need to. The assertive, confident student nurse.

So now I will get back to this mountain of paperwork, and figure out what I need to do to make sure the next time I am in the hospital, I actually talk to and assess my patient rather than relying on the chart.

I survived.

2011-06-14T17:14:00.001-05:00

I had my first clinical rotation today.

I didn’t run from the floor crying.

I didn’t turn into a pile of nervous mush.

I didn’t freeze upon entering my patient’s room.

I didn’t kill anyone.

I DID have an absolutely fantastic time. The nurse I had with me was A-mazing. She used every chance she got to actually teach me. She quizzed me on things like “why does the left lung have three lobes and the right only two?” and when my patient started going south (diaphoretic, nauseous, etc) she calmly talked through checking his blood sugar, and taking his vitals. When his BP popped up at 50/30 she threw him into trendelenburg while quizzing me on why we were doing it. She talked through every step as she hung platelets for the patient who had a level of 7. Explained the reactions we needed to watch for, and talked through exactly what she was doing as she was troubleshooting the IV access line.

Other than the schizophrenic patient who was hitting the nurses, refused to wear clothes, refused his medication, and was constantly stopping his IV infusion, all the patients I had were just as great. They seemed to love having students in there and smiled every time I walked into the room.

This was NOTHING like my mind was making it out to be for the last few weeks. I went to bed last night TERRIFIED of what today was going to be like. I am so glad my fears were unfounded and I can’t wait to get back into the hospital next week!

I came, I saw, I kicked its ASS!

2011-05-20T09:22:00.000-05:00

Final grades have been posted for my first semester of Nursing School.

Straight freaking A’s!!!!

I can’t believe I walked out of that semester with A’s in all my classes. I have to be honest though. While there were definitely some stressful moments, and times when I started feeling like I had made the wrong decision, it wasn’t as terrible as I had thought/heard it was supposed to be.

The summer semester, I think, will prove differently. It will be the first time we are all in the hospital. I have been split up from my super bad ass lab partner which really sucks and I have the one instructor that I can’t stand for clinical. Should be interesting.

In the meantime, I have two more weeks off before we start again. This week was wasted away with laziness. Next week I think I might try to hit the job market a little bit more and see what I can find.

Or maybe just keep up the laziness.

Back on the Hunt

2011-05-18T12:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't get the job. I am pretty bummed about it. Actually, I am a lot bummed about it.

I thought the interview went really well. The HR manager and I seemed to hit it off quite nicely. Apparently I am not as good at reading people as I thought.

I'm not sure why. When she called to tell me they weren't going to offer employment at this time I was shocked so I just said "ok, thank you" when I really should have added a "why" to that.

So after a few days of sulking, I decided to hit the market again. This time I have a connection at an assisted living facility so hopefully it will pan out a little better for me. It's pretty far though and not even close to a top choice but experience is experience and that is what I really need right now so I need to take what I can get.

Finals Week

2011-05-09T07:29:00.001-05:00

Today starts the first of three finals this week. After these finals are over, and of course after I ROCK these finals, I will have made it through my first semester of Nursing School.

It really doesn't seem like I have been a real live nursing student for 5 months now. These last 5 months have completely flown by. I'm not sure if it was just the amount of work that I had to accomplish in the last 5 months, or if I have just been so oblivious to everything but the year is almost half way over and I can barely remember any of it. Either way, I am *this close* to finishing up my first semester as a nursing student.

You better believe after I walk out of that last final on Wednesday I will be heading straight for the local hole in the wall and having myself a nice tall glass of accomplishment in the name of Margarita.

Happy Mothers Day!

2011-05-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

These were a few pages in a little book my daughter made for me at school.

"Vens" = Veins

Translation: "Being a Nurse"

Makes my heart melt.

I have a job interview!!

2011-05-06T17:17:00.000-05:00

I got a call today from a local nursing home about an app I had sent in several weeks ago. It was a really nice on the spot phone interview and I think I really impressed the lady. She set up an in-person interview with me next Friday.

They do things a little strange though (or maybe not since this will be my first real experience in the healthcare setting). Apparently, after I interview with her, I will get a chance to interview with the Nurse Managers and such, and if we all decide we like each other, I will do something like a “shadowing” where I follow around another CNA for a day to basically interview them and see if I would like to work there.

This facility is the same chain as the one I did my clinicals at, just at a different location. I had really been holding out hope that I would snag a hospital position but I am starting to realize that is going to be next to impossible until I get some experience under my belt.

So, to all my experienced readers: Can you offer up any tips and advice for my first interview in the healthcare setting? I will be completely honest in saying I don’t have a whole lot of interview experience even outside of healthcare.

Woot! Woot!

2011-05-03T13:48:00.000-05:00

I passed my third and final practicum of the semester!!! I could not be more excited at this point. Such a huge accomplishment for me right now and I am so excited!

Granted, I still have three finals to take before I can call this semester O.V.E.R. but still, I feel like I can take written (or computerized) tests any day of the week, but the practicums are where I struggle.

This means I have three more tests (next week) standing between me and the hospital. Three more tests before I can call myself a second semester nursing student, not quite a baby student but not a newbie anymore either. Three more tests before I get my hands on real people!!

Crap.

Three more tests before I have to put my newly learned skills to use on real people.

Nursing School is like running a 10K

2011-04-28T08:40:00.000-05:00

You're really excited when you start
and have a lot of energy.

But you do get tired.

Sometimes you just need to tell yourself you can do it,
take a deep breath, and keep going.

Some parts are easy; some parts are hard.

You do get hungry.

And sometimes,

you just need to take a bathroom break.

I'm Overwhelmed

2011-04-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

I keep hearing all this talk from my instructors about what is expected of us in our final semester and it makes me think to myself "I can’t do this shit. I am never going to be able to do that."

I realize as we go on I should get more competent and confident but I feel like a complete moron and wonder if I am going to make it.

I just have to keep telling myself “Deep breaths. Remain calm. You can do this.”

I need a J.O.B.

2011-04-17T19:35:00.000-05:00

We are pretty broke and it sucks. After I quit my job we continued to live like we never lost my income. (Keep in mind, when I quit, there went half our annual income). Now, it is catching up with us. We are barely making it. My husband’s check hits the bank and at the same time, bills are paid and we are left with nothing to last us half a month.

I am pretty scared about how I am going to be able to pay for not only next semesters tuition, but also how I am going to pay for books, supplies I will need, gas to get to my clinical site every week, and anything else that comes up.

I have been trying to get that CNA job I should have gotten a long time ago. I really hate the thought of having to work while I am also working my ass off in NS but I think it might become a very real possibility that I won’t have a choice.

In my area, none of the hospitals will hire a CNA/PCT without at least 6 months experience. I have been applying to some Nursing Homes and Dementia facilities in my area hoping that one of them will hire me PRN, with no experience. Maybe after I work there for several months I can move on to a hospital.

I just hope I can manage adding yet another thing to the growing hectic family schedule and I really hope that it won’t hurt my studies too much.

Let's talk about shoes, bay-bee

2011-04-09T18:06:00.000-05:00

It's getting closer to the time where we will actually be going to a real hospital with real patients.

This means it is also time for me to get my scrubs and shoes. I have the scrubs down but am wondering about shoes. I'm not a big fan of clogs, at all, and I'm not too sure about anything made completely of rubber. I realize they would be super easy to clean but I'm just not completely sold on them.

Comfort is not my forte when it comes to shoes. I wear shoes that look good, not shoes that necessarily feel good. I have been known to go all day long with blisters the size of quarters, just because my shoes were that.freakin.awesome. I need to get over the fashion factor and find a pair that will actually make my feet not hate me after being on the floor for hours and hours.

So this is where you come in, dear readers. Help me find an amazingly awesome pair of shoes and then every time I walk around in them I promise I will think of you.

White. All white. And comfy.

Oh and for anyone who reads that is a runner, I also need suggestions on a good, decently priced, pair of running shoes. My current ones are in desperate need of retirement.

March is over? WTH?

2011-04-06T15:52:00.000-05:00

March just flew on by didn’t it? I can’t believe it has been so long since I have posted anything on here. I’m pretty sure this is the perfect time to bust out the bullets.

Spring Break came and went with me leaving the couch a maximum of three times. I cracked open a total of “0” books and watched possibly hundreds of trashy shows on TV. It was fantastic.

I walked away from my first two nursing classes with A’s but did pretty bad on the final exams. 80 in one, 88 in another. While these are decent grades, they aren’t up to my standards and I was kicking myself for a while about them. I studied for those things like I have never studied before. The kicker is that it was 50% comprehension, and 50% application. I still didn’t make a decent grade and am scared about the next exams which I have heard are so much harder.

We are now into the fun stuff in my skills class. Starting IV’s, and drawing blood. I never knew I would get so excited seeing that bright red flash when sticking a sharp object into a vein but man, that gives me a rush. (And HOLY CRAP! That 16g needle is evil!)

A few of my classmates and I have grouped together quite nicely. I know NS isn’t about making friends but I am sure thankful for the ones I have made so far. They know what no one else around me can understand. That NS is an all consuming beast. That dreaming about NG tubes and enemas isn’t that abnormal, and that sometimes you just need to have a margarita (or two) and forget about school.

Along with learning how to start IV’s, change a dressing, administer meds, I have also learned that NS is exactly like high school with all the childish drama attached. I hated high school. I really hope I can keep my low profile and get through it just like I did when I was a teenager.

I have started running again and I feel great about it (other than my calves cramping like a SOB after I run). My NS buddies and I go to the gym after class most days, blow off steam, and completely kick each other’s asses into shape. I love it.

That pretty much sums up the last month. Just over one more month to go and first semester is over and I will be moving on to real people, in a real hospital setting. (YIKES!)

Apparently grown women still throw temper tantrums

2011-03-09T13:00:00.000-06:00

I thought we were all adults.

I thought we could handle things maturely.

I figured that voting was the best way to handle a situation such as "Who is going to be the class rep?"

Apparently I was wrong.

We were asked to all agree on one person to be our class rep. This person would sit in on faculty meetings, discuss with the faculty issues that the class has, suggest ways to improve the program. I, along with two others stepped up and said we would do it. I thought it would be a great opportunity for me, plus I like to be a leader and I am nosey enough to want to sit in on faculty meetings.

This one chick decided to campaign for it. Posted about how she has "no other obligations in life other than Nursing School that would conflict with being able to be the class rep", I mean she obviously really wanted it enough to pull some passive agressive bullshit. The other girl and I wanted it, but not enough to beg.

As we were all sitting in the hallway, having a last minute review before our final, we decided to discuss who would be our rep. Shockingly (and a boost to my ego I might add) several of my classmates said that I would be a great person to do it.

When asked to confirm who else wanted to do it, the chick who had been campaigning decided suddenly that she was no longer interested. She threw a tantrum that would outdo my kids at times.

"Forget it, I don't want to do it anymore. Nevermind, just forget about it" while huffing and puffing and throwing her book down on the floor. She looked like she was going to cry.

Thats when everyone gathered around her, said they thought she really wanted it, and that she should be the rep.

Fine. I honestly really didn't care too much about it. I figured if I was able to be the rep, great, if not, no big deal, one less thing to add to my already busy schedule. HOWEVER, it kinda pisses me off that everyone wanted me to be it but because this chick decided to throw a tantrum, she got it.

What kind of class rep is that? How is she going to handle herself when faced with other similar situations? Cry? Throw another fit? I'm fine with not being the rep but would have rather lost out to the other girl who didn't throw a fit, who was more capable of doing it that the cry baby who got it was.

All of this makes me feel like I am in high school all over again. I'm almost 30 for fucks sake. I didn't realize I was going to regress in nursing school.

Cue Finals Week (AKA: Hell Week)

2011-03-06T20:59:00.000-06:00

Jumping from one stressful week to the next.

Tomorrow starts the first of three finals (well technically, one Midterm and two Finals). I have been studying like mad with my kick ass study group all weekend and will more than likely be living at the library with them for the rest of the week.

Fun times. No really. I am actually having a good time studying with my group. It's hard to find a group that you can work well with and I think we all actually compliment each other fabulously. Hopefully we can all pull out of these finals with high marks.

Now that my brain has returned to a semi-normal state

2011-03-02T09:12:00.000-06:00

I can tell you about my practicum

I went to bed early the night before for the first time in over 2 months. I woke up early that morning, got ready and started looking over my books. I read the steps out loud to my oldest as she was getting ready for school (she loves it when I teach her stuff I am learning). I was feeling ok about everything until my mom got to my house.

That’s when I realized that this was really happening. She comes and I leave as soon as she gets there. (Love her for being there for me and able to watch my kids while I go through NS).

The normally short drive to school seemed even shorter. Before I knew it I was parked and ready to walk inside to get this going. Once inside I see several people there waiting in the hallway, some looking just as nervous as I feel, and others looking calm, cool, and collected. Bitches. The window to the lab is all blacked out which adds to my already growing nervousness. One of the examiners passes by and tries to offer some words of encouragement which I’m sure falls on deaf ears. At least mine.

0900 passes and no one has come out to get us yet.

Cue heart palpitations. I should have gone to the bathroom because I think I might pee my pants.

Finally, at 0910 the door opens and 4 names are read, including mine. It’s time.

As I walk through the doors I have a smile on my face but inside I am crying. I feel my legs getting weaker as I am putting my things away. They ask us to sign a confidentiality agreement saying we wouldn’t talk about the practicum. EVER. I am the slowest so the last to enter into a room to meet my fate. Fortunately, I got one of the instructors I am familiar with as my examiner. I thought this would help ease my nerves but it only made them worse.

I walk inside one of the lab rooms with her. She shuts the door behind us. No turning back now. I glance at her clipboard and see one of the skills she is going to ask me to do.

Thank FSM. That was one of the ones I had hoped for. She hands me a scenario, tells me my time starts at 0915. I have 25 minutes. Ready? Set. Go!

I look at the supplies laying out on the table and my mind goes completely blank. Fuck.

I stare at them for what feels like forever, touching each one of them, finally my mind kicks in and I grab what I need.

Wash hands, shut the curtain, raise the bed, perform the skills, lower the bed, give them the call bell, wash hands.

0930. I passed. Can I go throw up now?

Even though I passed, I know I sucked. I was clumsy, completely awkward and uncoordinated. For one of the skills I felt I knew really well, I didn’t perform it like I know I could have. Like I had been doing in lab and even in my sleep.

Even though I passed, I am really disappointed in my performance. Hopefully next time, I won’t be such a clown when I go through these skills.

Nevertheless, It’s done and over with and now I can move on to my finals next week.

I am still a Nursing Student. For now.

Calm before the Storm?

2011-02-28T17:48:00.000-06:00

I am feeling calm which is strangely disconcerting considering a few days ago I was nearly in full blown panic mode.

I’m not sure that I feel 100% confident in my skills for tomorrow’s test but for some reason I just don’t have the desire to go over and over them until I get them down. Or maybe I just don’t care? Either way, I am sitting here surfing the net for something to do with my kids for Spring Break rather than reviewing the steps to my skills.

I’m hoping I won’t regret this tomorrow at 0900 when I go in for my practicum.

Please excuse me while I FREAK OUT!

2011-02-25T15:23:00.000-06:00

Our first practicum is next week (Tue/Wed). We had sign ups yesterday. I decided to go ahead and get it over with and signed up for the very first slot on Tuesday morning.

What the hell was I thinking?!?!

Oh that’s right, that I just wanted to get it over with. Better to do it right away than sit there and stew on it longer than necessary right?

What am I thinking?!?!

I felt somewhat prepared for it until I went to open lab Wednesday night. We had a student nurse in her last semester there who decided to help us out and stage these “mock practicums”. She would give a student a list of skills to perform while she sat there and acted like one of the instructors. She did a pretty good job and it was helpful, but it really freaked me out. I mean, there were things that she said we would fail for that I never realized I needed to pay attention to. One girl would have failed the entire thing because she washed her hands for ONE SECOND less than what we are supposed to.

It all just made me realize that I might not be as prepared as I thought I was. This practicum is pass/fail. We fail this practicum, we fail the class. We fail the class, we fail the entire semester and will be repeating EVERY class over again in the fall.

Just a little pressure right?

So please excuse me while I FREAK OUT and try to bring myself back down to reality enough to go back to practicing on my skills.

People aren’t really as scary as I make them out to be

2011-02-18T23:29:00.001-06:00

We have this Geri Project in my Health Assessment class. We have to pick a person over 65 to get a health history on so we can practice our interviewing and communication skills. We are supposed to meet with them at least 4 separate times and have specific information we are supposed to collect in each visit. In true It’s Just Me fashion, I put it off until the last minute. While the entire project isn’t due for several more weeks, we do have a process recording that is part of this project due in a week.

My mother found a lady in her church that was willing to let me interview her for my project. I have had this lady’s information for about 3 weeks now. It took me about 2 days just to talk myself into picking up the phone and calling her. Stupid anxiety.

I have no idea why I get myself all worked up over the stupidest things. This lady was super nice and I really enjoyed talking with her. The interview went WAY over. We are supposed to try to keep our visits to about 30 minutes each. I was there for well over 2 hours. She talked about her children, her family, was VERY open with her health history, and her husband even joined our conversation for a bit. (Before he excused himself, he made it a point to tell me that he is happy that I am going into nursing, that good nurses are needed, especially for all the “old” people like them.) We laughed, we smiled, she almost even made me cry, but it was an absolutely fantastic eye-opening visit.

I really wish I could figure out what makes me so nervous about people and get the hell over it.

I'm an idiot

2011-02-15T21:28:00.000-06:00

I've had this blog for about a year and a half and it JUST NOW occured to me that my title is all wrong.

Where was the freakin' grammar police when I needed them?

I feel so stupid.

Bad grammar irritates the crap out of me.

Their, there, they're

A lot (not alot)

Here, hear

To, too, two

Whose, Who's

Oh geez. Now I must change my blog title and go slap myself for being so dumb and not even realizing it. Maybe I'm really not smart enough for this nursing stuff since I can't even create a grammatically correct blog title.

Week 3 & 4 - I'm still here....barely

2011-02-12T01:37:00.000-06:00

Case Study: 29 year old female presents with shaky hands, slurring words, and is babbling incoherantly. Dark circles are noted under eyes. Children have followed female in shouting "Mommy! Mommy!" while obvious ticks are apparent in patient. Patient assumes fetal position on the floor while saying "all research and no play makes mommy a bad mommy".

Possible Nursing Diagnosis':

Anxiety R/T inability to focus on needs of family while in school AEB twitching and assuming the fetal position

Ineffective Coping R/T situational crises AEB Insomnia

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm stressing big time about this stupid research paper I have to get done in a week. Oh, and my part of the group project that I need to have done at the same time. (Our group has FINALLY decided to start communicating...finally). Oh, AND I still need to contact my geri patient and start my health assessment project. So much to do and the time seems to be running out quick. I always say I work better under pressure but I really hate the stress it brings.

Other than my usual procrastination on major projects, everything else seems to be going well. We are actually learning some fun things in my Skills class. I feel like we are finally learning how to be a nurse. Call me crazy but I find the nursing process pretty interesting.

Things at home? Not so great. The kids are really whinning for some mommy time, the husband doesn't seem to be pitching in as much as he promised he would and most days he isn't even around. He seems to think because I am only in class for 4 hours a day that I have all the time in the world to do everything else. He promised me that he knew what we were in for, that he would really pick up the slack and wouldn't get on me so much about the house being clean, or laundry being done, but he has definitely backed out on that promise and doesn't understand why I am barely speaking to him when I do see him.

I gave him the last 2 years to get into his volunteering at the fire department. I put up with him running out of the house at the drop of a tone and not knowing when he would return. I put up with him choosing the fire department over his family more times than I can count. I asked him to give me my turn for 2 years. 2 years of dedication to what I want and he can't even give me a week.

Obviously I am very frustrated with the man right now. I could go on and on but I better stop before it gets any worse.

Day 06: 30 slightly interesting facts about me

2011-02-08T13:05:00.000-06:00

1. I used to play the flute.

2. I was actually really good at it but my high school made us do marching band and I was too cool for marching band so I quit.

3. I never went to band camp.

4. I wish I would have sucked it up and stayed in band. I would have made so many lifelong friends if I wasn’t so worried about my non-existent high school image.

5. I retreated to the dark room instead.

6. I still use film and develop it myself.

7. There is something amazing about exposing your paper to light, putting it into chemicals and seeing the image appear.

8. I don’t do it as much in this digital world and I miss it.

9. I sing when I drive. Loudly.

10. I can’t carry a tune but wish I could because I love to sing.

11. You won’t see me on American Idol though because I know I can’t sing.

12. I also car dance.

13. My kids love it right now but I am sure as they get older it will embarrass them. It embarrasses my husband.

14. That’s why I do it every time I am in the car with him.

15. I have a HUGE fear of drowning.

16. For that reason I hate swimming but suck it up anyways because my kids love it.

17. I’d rather be on a lake than at the beach.

18. I hate getting all sandy from the beach. That shit gets everywhere and makes me feel gross.

19. I never wanted kids growing up.

20. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, most days.

21. I’m scared to become a nurse.

22. I don’t feel like I am smart enough for this.

23. I’m worried I am not going to know what I am doing and end up killing someone.

24. I’m pretty damn stubborn even when I know I am wrong.

25. I don’t like chocolate.

26. I live in the suburbs but wish for a high rise condo downtown.

27. My husband wants to retire in the country. With cows. The thought of that makes me crazy.

28. I have a feeling we will be retiring in two different places. The country is not my thing.

29. I’m a compulsive shopper. I call it my therapy but I think I might need an intervention.

30. I skipped day 5 because I don’t want to go there.

Day 04: Religion

2011-02-06T10:46:00.000-06:00

I read something recently that pretty much sums up how I feel about religion.

"Religion is like a penis: it's fine to have one, it's fine to be proud of it - but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around. And PLEASE don't try to shove it down my or my children's throats"

– anonymous

Needless to say, I am not a religious person.

Day 03: Alcohol: Love to hate you

2011-02-04T08:16:00.000-06:00

Drugs. Don’t do them unless prescribed. Drugs are bad, m’kay?

Alcohol is tricky for me. I was never around alcohol growing up. I was raised Mormon. No one in my family drank. I didn’t have my first taste of alcohol until I was 18 and in college and even then I wasn’t really a big drinker. During my adult years, after my first kid, was when I started drinking more. We used to hang out with a two different couples at each other’s house every weekend and drink. It was actually a really great time in my life. Care free, fun.

Then things fell apart. My best friend and I had a falling out. We stopped speaking and I woke up one morning after Christmas to a phone call telling me her and her husband were killed.

By a drunk driver.

Coincidentally, she had just picked her husband up from the bar because he was too drunk to drive home.

I have never looked at alcohol the same again.

I still drink occasionally. Mostly, it is to self medicate. I never drink alone but I find when I do feel like having a drink, it is when I am feeling low. While it gives me a pick-me-up during, it throws me back down lower for weeks after.

I am actually considering giving up the juice but I still enjoy having a random beer or glass of wine with the neighbor while we wind down from the busy week.

Day 02: 10 Years from now…

2011-02-03T08:52:00.000-06:00

It's early in the morning. I feel like I had just gotten home from my 12 hour shift the day before. I walk into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee before I get in the shower to get ready for another long shift.

I am working in the CCU of one of the top hospitals in the city. I love my job. I have great coworkers and great rapport with the physicians on my unit. I am confident, but not cocky. I finally feel like I have a grasp on this nursing business and I am so thankful for the risks I took 10 years prior to become a nurse. I am so thankful I stuck it out in the hell that is nursing school so I can become what I am now.

My oldest daughter is in her senior year of high school. She is in the process of picking out which college she wants to go to. My heart swells with pride and my eyes swell with tears knowing she is all grown up. She wants to be a teacher. I saw it in her 10 years ago. The way she loved to learn. The way she loved to “teach” her sister and all the little kids in the cul-de-sac. She is going to be amazing. She IS amazing.

My youngest daughter is in that awkward stage between pre-teen and teen. She is just as beautiful as her sister is but not quite as independent. I can really see a lot of myself in her. Shy, but outgoing with her close group of friends. Smart but doesn’t realize it. She has a big heart and I am really looking forward to what the next 10 years with her brings.

Group projects can suck my...

2011-02-02T10:19:00.002-06:00

I hate them.

I hate them so much that I would rather just do everything myself than have to deal with working with other people.

You would think since my program is so competitve (you really have to be on top of your game to get in) that I wouldn't have to worry so much about other people not doing their part.

You would think.

I always get stuck with a sucky group. No one is communicating. No one is working with anyone else. I have sent out several emails and no one responds. Or they respond DAYS later. We have to do a group culture project where we all have to go out, as a group, and "experience the culture". One of the girls thinks it doesn't have to be done as a group. Another is working any time she isn't in school (how is that fair to the rest of us) and another guy works every weekend.

Fine, whatever. I plan a meeting with the three others that CAN meet and it's done.

That is until I get an email from the first girl who was under the impression that it could be done individually. She now all of a sudden realizes that yes, it does need to be a group effort, only she can't meet the day the rest of us have planned.

Somebody shoot me.

It took me two weeks just to set up this time with the ones who were willing to work on the group project as a group.

I freakin' hate group projects.

Day 01: My Relationship

2011-02-01T09:04:00.007-06:00

I met my husband my freshman year of high school in gym class. I guess those sexy uniforms and all that teenage sweat did him in. He used to leave little stuffed animals and flowers on my doorstep. He would call and tell me to look outside and I would find them sitting there.

We were friends first. We had a group of friends that would hang out and ride my go cart, swim in my parent’s pool, beat each other up playing basketball in gym. Before he got his truck he would ride his bike to my house all the time. We would go to the nearby park and just hang out.

Toward the end of my freshman year he passed me a note that said “I am asking you this in a note because I don't have the balls to do it in person. Would you go out with me?” (Thank God he didn’t put “check yes or no”)

I said no.

We remained friends.

Summer came and we continued to hang out all.the.time. One day, I saw him differently. I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what changed, but I realized I had feelings for him. I hoped I didn’t ruin my chances by saying no before and wished he would ask me again.

He did.

This time in person.

I said yes.

I went to a different high school after that but we continued to “go out” throughout high school. I moved about 2 hours away for college and he drove up there nearly every weekend to see me. A year later, he proposed. (I am still not entirely convinced that it wasn’t because he was tired of putting all those miles on his truck and just wanted to get me closer, but I digress...)

I SO wish I was that skinny again...

I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart for almost 9 years now. (OMG that just made me feel so old - and the fact that we look like we were 12 in that pic doesn't help).

I would be a liar if I said our relationship was perfect. That we are best friends. We have definitely had our share of hard times but so far have managed to pull through them, I wouldn’t say stronger, but definitely wiser.

I will say that our relationship is a work in progress. That I do love him. That it scares me every time he runs out of the house to fight a fire. I really can't imagine life without him. I am content.

He gave me two amazing children.

He has a huge heart and he makes me proud to be his wife.

(For the record. This was from an 80's party. I don't normally dress in fishnets)

As if I didn't have enough going on

2011-01-31T08:41:00.001-06:00

Estelle over at Word Lust found this little blog challenge that she is going to start and I thought what the hell, it would be fun to ~~copy~~ play along. Might give some of my readers more insight into my life outside of nursing school. I know you all are just dying to learn more about me. (Not really? Well too bad).

So here's the list:

There are no guarantees that I will post every day, or that I will even finish this challenge, but I am still going to try nonetheless. Feel free to ~~copy~~ play along too!

Communication

2011-01-30T09:30:00.005-06:00

I did a bit of self reflection this weekend. I was really trying to figure out what was getting to me so much about NS. I realized it wasn’t so much the amount of work we are doing (even though it is a bit insane) it is more about the communication we are doing.

I have learned over my short 2 weeks as a nursing student that communication is a HUGE thing in Nursing. I knew this going in to it but never imagined it would be so hard for me to get over. I have mentioned before about how much of an introvert I am and how I am worried about the way this will play out in school and in my career. Even during my CNA class I felt the same feelings I am feeling now.

All of these projects, mainly my geri project, and partnering up with someone I don’t even know to practice my skills, oh and evaluating my communication (more like lack thereof) are really putting a rise on my anxiety levels. Research paper? I can handle that. Finals and midterms? No problem. A practicum where I have to perform in front of an instructor using a classmate? Oh, there you are sweat. How I have missed my heart beating out of my chest and my legs turning to jelly.

I keep telling myself that everyone is feeling this way but it doesn’t seem to help. I can’t even get a good practice in on lab days (where all we do is practice on the mannequins) because I am so nervous about just practicing in front of one of my new classmates. How crazy is that?!?

I need to get control of this. I made it through my CNA class. I can make it through this too. I just need to go in there and put all of my stage fright behind me and get done what needs to be done. Stop worrying about how much of an idiot I am looking like in front of other people (who are learning just the same as I am) and just do it.

Week 2 - Freak the Freak Out!

2011-01-28T10:58:00.002-06:00

Things are starting to catch up with me in NS. There is an unbelievable amount of work expected out of us, with not much direction to go on. I have 2 research papers, a group project (ugh!), health promotion plan, weekly discussion posts, midterm and final for one class. A Geriatric assessment project (4 separate visits to the elder of my choosing), process recording, 2 practicums (pass/fail), a midterm and final for another class, then a practicum (pass/fail), random math tests, and a final in my other class. Did I mention this is all in the first 8 WEEKS?!?! I will have two new classes in, now 6 weeks, and who knows what exciting busy work those are going to bring.

To say I am overwhelmed at this point would be an understatement. I know I can do it. I am just not sure how at this point. We really don’t have much direction in our classes. Our skills class is all hands on, and like I said, no demonstration beforehand (unless you count the silly videos we are supposed to watch before class) and really no lecture (what the hell is going to be on the final then??) Our Intro class is a hybrid. Which means most of our time is spent learning the material on our own. I am fine with online classes. Hell, most of the classes I took to get where I am now were online. The problem is, I don’t remember a damn thing from those classes. I learned enough to get my A and then left it all at the final. I know in Nursing that isn’t possible. You have to KNOW the material and APPLY it. It is really taking a lot to get myself to readjust to this. To try to train myself to actually retain what I am essentially self teaching myself. I have only been to my Health Assessment class once. I hope it will be different but I have the feeling it is going to be a lot like my skills class. Lecture for a few minutes and then let us go to learn on our own. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind getting the hands on practice, but I feel like I need a little more direction. Maybe I am not the “mature learner” I thought I was.

We already had one girl in our class drop. She was terrified after just two days. I saw it in her eyes on Friday and by Tuesday of the next week she was gone.

I’m sure she won’t be the last.

Disclaimer

2011-01-27T16:09:00.002-06:00

Since someone got their panties in a wad over my last post, I feel a disclaimer is neccessary (some people take all the fun out of things)

No animals (aka: husband and/or children) will be harmed during the making of this nursing student. Any questions asked by this nursing student to the animals, related to the performance of invasive procedures on said animals, are only to be used to get a rise out of them and are intended for pure entertainment value only. I (the nursing student) reserve the right to use threats of performing said invasive procedures on any and all animals (mostly the husband) if and when they get out of line.

Thank you and good day.

Conversation with a 30 year old

2011-01-26T23:55:00.001-06:00

My husband has (unwillingly) become my "at home dummy" (no pun intented). I am getting tons of practice dealing with noncompliant patients. :)

Our conversation the other night:

Me: Can I practice putting in a NG tube on you?

Him: Huh? Wait, is that like the thing that goes up your nose?

Me: Yep

Him: Um, HELL NO!

....maybe I could have put my knowledge of restraints to use?

Conversation with a 2 year old:

2011-01-22T10:23:00.001-06:00

Her: Momma go school?

Me: Yes

Her: WWWWHHHHYYY????

Me: So I can be a nurse

Her: WWWWHHHYYYYY????

Me: So I can help sick people

Her: WWHH...Oh, like MMMEEE?????

Yes, she is trying to put the glove on her foot.

Week 1 – This is Nursing School?

2011-01-21T16:18:00.000-06:00

My first week of NS was well, strange. I completely expected to hit the ground running. To be so overwhelmed with NS that I couldn’t think about anything else in life. The first day was a bit anticlimactic for me. We went over the student handbook, the instructors fiddled with the computer/projector for about 30 minutes (it’s amazing how no one can lecture without a PowerPoint anymore), went over the syllabus, then lectured for about 15 minutes before handing us some dress up clothes (PPE) and some glo germ. It left me feeling like something was missing.

Where is all the hard core I keep hearing about? Where are all the blood, sweat, and tears?

The second day wasn’t really any better. We have three different instructors for our skills class so that gets a little confusing for me. We had a new lady we hadn’t seen the day before lecturing for a few minutes then we were let go to wreak havoc on the poor unsuspecting mannequins. Turning them and strapping them down with restraints. No instruction before hand, no demonstration. Nothing.

You mean you just expect me to know this stuff already?

Lucky for me, I have done most of this before. All of this so far is basic CNA stuff (aside from applying the restraints) so it has been a review for me. I am worried about when we get into the things that aren’t CNA stuff. Without any kind of demonstration I feel like I might be lost.

So where does this foley go again?

The third day (second class) is when things got a little interesting. A research paper, a group culture project, a personal nutrition project, discussion boards, case studies, quizzes, in 8 weeks rather than 16. Now I see where things get a little out of control. I wouldn’t say I am feeling overwhelmed just yet. We still have one more class to go on Monday that we haven’t been to yet so we will see what is in store after that class. For right now, there is a lot of work but it all seems manageable.

Please let's keep it this way.

This is it!!

2011-01-18T08:15:00.000-06:00

Today is the day I officially start Nursing School!!! I am anxious, excited, a little nervous, but so ready to get this show on the road!!

It helps that I woke up to these in my bathroom sink this morning (along with a super sweet card)

Let me tell you, this means A LOT to me. He never, Ever, EVER, does things like this. I'm sure he could tell how nervous I was getting since I was doing a bit of yelling and fit throwing this weekend. (Ok, I was acting like a total brat about everything. I even put my kids to shame).

So here I go, off like a scared little girl to my very first day of nursing school!

Disorganization makes me angry

2011-01-13T15:55:00.002-06:00

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to get organized (and stay that way). Unfortunately, I am not really doing a great job on that one. My house is in complete disarray and it is really frustrating. We are converting the dining room into an office and it has been taking a bit longer than I had anticipated. I was hoping to have it done this past weekend so I could use this week to organize it and get my house put back together. (Did I mention I start school on Tuesday?!?)

It makes it really hard for me to focus on what needs to get done (my reading) when I have everything everywhere. My books are scattered between my kitchen/bedroom/living room and my computer is sitting on my kitchen table. I can’t even figure out what I am going to need to get organized because nothing is finished yet. My big desk calendar is hidden next to the fridge because I don’t have a desk up to put it on and nothing is written in it. I feel like I have no idea what is going on without that thing.

I haven’t even started school yet and I feel so behind.

Procrastination. I haz it.

2011-01-11T12:05:00.002-06:00

I cannot for the life of me get into the textbooks. What is wrong with me? I have waited for-ev-er to be able to read nursing textbooks and now I find myself doing anything BUT reading them. Even (gasp!) cleaning the house. Everyone is talking about how they have XYZ chapter left, or have already finished (damn overachievers) but here I sit, staring blankly into my textbooks and my empty notebook, with only about 5 chapters behind me.

I really have to kick this habit of waiting until the last minute or I feel I will be struggling BIG TIME over the next 2 years.

What have I gotten myself into??

2011-01-07T13:05:00.004-06:00

Feast your eyes on my arsenal of first semester nursing textbooks (with my fancy new Littmann thrown in for good measure.) Most are “required” while only about three of these are extras I picked up for the fun of it.

Looks exciting doesn’t it?

I will totally admit to being a nerd about these books. I ordered them from a million different places (thank you dealoz.com) and started stacking them up in a proud “little” pile as they all started coming in.

Now, they intimidate the hell out of me.

How in the hell am I going to learn all of that in my first semester?

Proof that blogging is actually good for you..or at least reading them is

2011-01-07T00:57:00.000-06:00

I think Estelle’s blog just might have saved some of my sanity. Have I mentioned how I have at least 40 chapters to read before nursing school even starts? That’s right. We were assigned over 40 chapters of required reading to be completed before we set foot in a nursing class. I have been putting it off for about a month now (great start, eh?) and over the past few nights have forced myself to read a few chapters. (and here is where I thank my husband for saving me from having nursing text tattooed on my forehead from falling asleep on my book – although I really think he only moves them because he needs room in the bed to sleep himself and the 50 books spread out everywhere kinda get in the way of that)

So as I was ~~finding anything to do other than read nursing text~~ taking a break, I came across Estelle’s Guide to Nursing School: Part 4 and holy shit! Why didn’t I think of that? Here I was, forcing myself to read every.freakin.word of that text (I have even been tempted to get the toothpicks out to keep my eyes open) and sometimes reading the same paragraph four or five times. Her tips make so much sense!

Of course I have NO IDEA what my instructors will expect of me, but I just can’t possibly see being able to read 40 chapters a WEEK word for word. (yes, we were informed that the “required reading” that was assigned would be for the first week only – more to come once class actually starts). My game plan has completely changed.

So here’s a shout out to Estelle for being so freakin’ awesome and sharing the dirty little nursing school secrets. If you haven’t checked out her blog, what the hell are you waiting for? Did you notice I said that was Part 4? Meaning there are already three other fabulous tips just waiting for you to jump on over and read? Not only that, but she is hilarious, and I think I might love her.

Resolutions and Stuff

2011-01-04T11:09:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!

I am not usually one to make resolutions (just more for me to stress about not accomplishing) but this year I thought I would give it a go. I’m pretty sure I am insane for making this year THE year for resolutions since I will have SO much going on with NURSING SCHOOL and all, but I figured what the hell. Go big or go home right?

1) Lose the 20-30 lbs that I have been meaning to lose for the past oh, I don’t know, 7 years? I am going to try to start back on the C25K program I was doing so well with last year. Just need to stop making excuses for why I don’t have the time and just do it. I am also going to try to start eating better which will probably be the most difficult thing since I have a feeling I will only have the time for a quick run to the nearest Chick-fil-A for dinner.

2) Stop procrastinating!! (as I am writing this I am actually putting off reading the 40+ chapters that have been assigned to us to be finished before classes start on the 18th)

3) Get organized (and STAY that way). We are in the process of remodeling our dining room and turning it into an office. I am super excited (not about the dust that is everywhere, or the fact that my arms feel like they are going to fall off from all the sheetrock work I have been doing) I hope that I can keep it nice and organized so it will be easier for me to study and stay on top of all the assignments and projects we will have this first semester. I don’t usually have a problem getting organized, it is staying organized that is my issue. I let things slip and then don’t feel like fixing them.

4) Blog more. I have super sucked at blogging over the past 6 months. Not only blogging, but reading all my favorite blogs as well. I started this blog to journal my journey through nursing school and I really want to keep up with it so I have a record of this monumental time in my life. Good and bad.

I think that is a pretty good start.

Orientation tomorrow!!!!

2010-12-01T20:37:00.000-06:00

That's right people. Tomorrow is the first day that Nursing School will officially own my ass. From 8am-3pm (more like 7am since I am an overachiever and must get there that early) I will be living and breathing nothing but Nursing School. I have all these thoughts in my head about what we must be discussing for 7 freakin' hours but honestly, I have no idea and I really don't care. I AM IN NURSING SCHOOL!!! They could hold me hostage for 7 hours doing nothing but staring at the walls and I won't care. (ok, I would probably care).

I am thrilled. So many are nervous but I can't even get a little nervous. The excitement over me being an actual NURSING STUDENT is overwhelming any kind of nervousness I might have. I realize I am nuts. I realize I am getting excited over what could possibly be the most torturous and financially damaging two years of my life but I can't help myself. I have never been one to have too many goals in life so the fact that I am actually realizing one that I set for myself over a year ago makes me crazy.

Let's see how my story changes tomorrow once I realize what I am in for.

(I realize I used the word realize about 100 times in this post but I am too lazy to go find new words to use)

Dreams are what you make of them

2010-11-29T00:22:00.000-06:00

Ever have one of those dreams that just shakes you to the core? You know the ones. Where it is so vivid that it feels like reality? Where you can still recall almost every detail of the dream days later?

A few nights ago I dreamt of Her. It has been a while since I have had a dream where she has been in it. They used to happen almost every night but two years later, they are few and far between. In this one, she wasn’t dead. Her husband was the only one that died that night. She wasn’t even involved in the crash. I have noticed my dreams go back and forth between one or the other surviving, but never both.

I was in some kind of fancy hotel lounge/bar. There must have been an event that had just gone on or something because it had that look of desertion. You could tell someone had gone through some trouble to meticulously decorate only to find by the end of the night, nobody really cared enough about the details. Flowers in the vases were wilting, tablecloths were wrinkled and used, chairs were out of place. It was beautiful nonetheless. I must have attended some kind of event myself as I was wearing a black dress. I didn’t notice until later however, that I was not wearing any shoes.

As I walked into this place, I noticed her sitting at a table with a man. I heard her telling him that she doesn’t know how she is going to make it without her husband. That she cannot live without him. The same line she told me in the past. When she was alive. I walked straight over to her and interrupted her conversation with him and sat down at the table. I could tell they were both slightly irritated. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to sort out our differences and talk about what happened between us. I wanted to ask her if she forgave me. I ordered a drink from the waitress who walked up to us as I sat down. She asked for my ID and as I looked into my wallet I noticed it was missing. I kept looking for it, always going back to that spot in my wallet that was supposed to hold it. Never anywhere else, as if it would just show up there if I looked enough times.

I told her I would be right back, I was going to my car to see if it was there. I left my purse but took my wallet. I still kept looking in that spot as I ran down this long wide lobby. There were people on all sides just staring at me as I ran, frantically looking in my wallet. They all seemed to be judging me, or laughing at me, or feeling sorry for me. I couldn’t really tell. I felt this overwhelming urge to find it and get back to her. I had so many important things I needed to tell her.

I never made it back. I woke up before I left the lobby, before I could make it to my car. I felt sadness when I woke. My dreams are the only time I get to see her anymore and they are so short. Most of the time they are like this. Frantic. Searching for answers to questions that will never be answered.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this dream. It seems so silly doesn’t it? It wasn’t anything special really. I kept wondering why this one has stuck with me so much. Until today.

I had to show my ID to someone and as I opened my wallet to pull it out, I noticed the fortune I have had since shortly after she died. The fortune I keep in my wallet, right on top of my ID in the little window so I can always see it.

“Joy will come with the return of a good friend”

I have no idea what this means. I have never been one to fully believe in “signs” from the dead. It could absolutely be my subconscious playing mean tricks on me. Then again, I did get that fortune right after she died, and in my dream I was searching my wallet, going back to that exact spot over and over and over again.

I have always thought the fortune meant someone I already knew. Someone who was already a friend but had lost touch with, and even had hopes that in some way, it would be Her. Maybe though, it means that good friendship will return, not necessarily in someone I already know, but in someone new. I will once again have that kind of friendship I so greatly miss with Her. Maybe she was telling me that I will, in fact, find my “person” and be happy again.

Or maybe I so desperately want and need a friend that my subconscious is making me go crazy.

Dear Santa,

2010-11-19T10:13:00.001-06:00

~~I have been very good this year…~~

Ah hell, you and I both know that isn’t true. Here’s my list anyways*.

Saunders Comprehensive Review for the NCLEX-RN®
Anything titled “_____ Made Incredibly Easy”
New watch
Good pair of shoes – I’ll get back to you on the specifics.
Nice Fancy Littmann Stethoscope
A Spygmohoweveryouspellitmeter – You know, the BP dohicky
Davis Drug Guide
Taber’s Medical Dictionary
Money
Money
More Money

*I herby claim my right to add to or adjust this list as necessary. Any and all suggestions will be taken into consideration and added to this list as I see fit.

Thanks!

Random Thoughts

2010-11-18T12:58:00.000-06:00

I need to stick a pen and notepad next to my bed. While I am lying there awake, trying like hell to fall asleep and failing miserably, all these things start running through my head about what I want to post about. The next morning, after about 3 hours of mediocre sleep, I have forgotten everything.

Nice isn’t it?

I made the phone call today to the Nursing Home where I did my clinicals. (Yes, just today). The lady I needed to speak with didn’t answer so I left a message. Hopefully she will call back. If not, I will try to get myself to call again tomorrow or maybe I can even try to get myself to go up there.

Do you know just making that phone call caused a TON of anxiety? I really hate that I am like that. I finally talked to my Dr about it and he gave me a prescription for Metaprolol to be taken as needed. He said take it about an hour before I go to class and it should help with the racing heart, shakes, sweats, etc. Anyone have any thoughts/experience with this? Apparently, treating anxiety is an off label use of this med.

This weekend I am meeting a few of the others who were accepted into the program. I’m really hoping I click with at least one of them or this is going to be a long, lonely ride.

I find that I am not as nervous/stressed out about starting NS as I thought I would be. I started a FB group so those of us that have been accepted can start chatting and share ideas/thoughts/ask questions and it seems like most are freaking out already. Should I be freaking out too? I just feel so “meh” about the whole thing right now.

All of that might have to do with the fact that I am so sick of school. My Micro class is going ok, and I actually find it pretty interesting, but I am so over it. I find that I have to drag myself to class nowadays and any little excuse to not go I jump on. I have actually missed more classes this semester than I have since I went back to school over a year ago.

I still hate this housewife/stay at home mom gig and I still can’t cook. I have resorted to buying those frozen family dinners and warming those up every night rather than trying to cook like a normal person. I think I am going to test out a few crock pot recipes I have found though. We’ll see how that goes.

And that’s about the best I can do right now. I really hope the blogging bug comes back to bite me on the ass because I really miss blogging.

Now it’s time to relax

2010-11-03T09:19:00.000-05:00

Halloween is now over and I finally get to sit down. Our party was the best one yet and everyone had a great time. Hopefully this means I can have more time to focus on the blog now that I have no parties to plan. :p

I had planned on contacting the hiring manager at the LTC facility I did my clinicals at but I never made the time to do it. I am hoping I get off my ass long enough in the next week to finally get that done. Along with that, I have all my paperwork for the nursing program ready to turn in, I just haven’t gotten around to dropping it off yet. Probably should think about doing that soon too.

For now though, I will leave you with a few pics from our spectacular Halloween festivities. Our theme this year was "Voodoo on the Bayou":

My costume (I made it myself this year)

My husband and I:

We built a "bayou" on our driveway. This was before I added all the plants and snakes and whatnot:

And after it was finished:

The infamous coffin ice chest:

And finally, my girls and I before we headed out to trick or treat on Halloween night.

Oh yeah, guess what

2010-10-21T08:29:00.001-05:00

I have been so busy slacking on my blogging that I forgot to tell you all that I PASSED MY CNA EXAM!

Yep, that’s right, you are now reading the blog of an official CNA. Don’t you feel special now?

Yeah, I know. Not really. That’s ok though.

I have been trying to decide what I want to do with myself now that I am an official Certified Nursing Assistant. Do I want to try like hell to get into a hospital? Do I want to just suck it up and do my time in a LTC facility? Do I even want to work as a CNA?

My instructor quit working for the college and ended up getting a PRN position as the Nursing Supervisor working weekends on the rehab side of the place we did clinicals at. I talked to her and she said she would put in a good word for me there, I can use her as a reference and that she would love to work with me. I just have to contact the hiring manager there and let her know I would like the job and I’m almost 95% sure I can get it. If I do get it, it would be perfect really. I would only accept a PRN position (so I can be flexible with NS) and would probably only work on the weekends.

So why haven’t I contacted her yet? I have no idea.

Chicken and the nervous breakdown

2010-10-20T15:08:00.000-05:00

I tried to bake a whole chicken last night. I failed miserably and ended up having a nervous breakdown.

Yes, over chicken.

Ok, there was more to it than the chicken but it was the catalyst that brought it on.

I suck at being a housewife. I can’t cook for shit. I suck at keeping the house clean. Mt. Washmore was not nearly as big as when I was working a “real” job and my little one has been driving me absolutely insane. I can’t hack it as a stay at home mom. I don’t have what it takes. It’s not that the job is hard (sorry all you SAHM out there, it really isn’t), it’s just that I have no desire to do any of it. I don’t want to cook, clean, and otherwise sit at home. I don’t miss the adult interaction of a real job, I never talked to anyone anyways, I just don’t like doing the housewife stuff.

My husband was telling me the other day about how the wife of his fire captain (who just had a baby) wasn’t going to be going back to work. Apparently this woman is fanfreakintastic because he just HAD to tell me how she gets up at 5 in the morning to make her husband some bacon for breakfast, or slow cooks some chicken so he can take it to the station with him when he goes. I am not living up to my end of the bargain obviously.

So, after cooking my chicken for over 2 hours, the kids screaming at me that they are starving, my chicken still being raw, and any hope of that perfectly roasted chicken sitting on the perfectly set table being totally destroyed, I just broke down. Right there in the kitchen. I completely lost it.

And then we went out to eat (yet again).

Kids say the BEST things!!

2010-10-11T10:07:00.000-05:00

Last night, my MIL was telling me about a conversation that had occured the day before between my oldest daughter and her cousin.

Cousin: "You know the brain has hundreds, no, MILLIONS of..."

Daughter: " Wait! Wait! Wait! No! Stop! Don't tell me.

I want my mom to tell me. She is going to be a nurse."

Yep, definitely a proud mommy moment.

My favorite time of year!

2010-10-08T15:40:00.000-05:00

It's true, I have gone AWOL.

I have a good reason though! Really, I do.

Halloween is my all time FAVORITE time of year. We do it up big. We put on a huge party, make all the neighbors think we have gone nuts, and warp our kids into thinking skeletons laying around the house are "normal" (is it really so wrong that your two year old runs around the house with a skeleton hand asking for high fives? Or that your 6 year old likes to lay in the graveyard out front and play dead? Nah, I didn't think so either.)

I thought I would share some of this years decorating progress since it has pretty much consumed me lately.

We'll start with the front yard during the day (and yes, that is my oldest playing dead):

Next, some night shots:

And now, the interior:

So what do you think? I still have a lot of work to do but I am super excited with how it is coming together this year.

Results are in...

2010-09-28T16:29:00.000-05:00

It's Just Me S.N.

I'm in!!!!! I'm in, I'm in, I'm in!!!!!

Holy shit. I am now officially a Student Nurse!!

What the hell just happened?

It's worse than a kid waiting for Christmas morning

2010-09-27T09:16:00.000-05:00

No letter yet. I waited and waited and stalked the mailman all day on Saturday and there was nothing but bills there. I hope it comes today. I can't stand this waiting. I need to know if I am in or not.

This is making me crazy.

O.M.G.

2010-09-23T14:11:00.000-05:00

"Acceptance/Denial letters are being mailed starting September 24, 2010 for the Spring 2011 ADN program."

All together now...

HOLY SHIT!!!

That's tomorrow people.

T-O-M-O-R-R-O-W

I wasn't expecting any news for at least another two weeks or so. Tomorrow? That means I could possibly be getting my letter by Saturday at the earliest.

Time to commence "Mailman Stalking" (or mailperson for all you PC people out there)

I think my nerves are getting to me

2010-09-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

I'm freaking out a little and I think it is finally starting to show. I'm short with my kids and husband, I always seem to be grumpy these days, I feel like I have lost my focus, I have no motivation to do anything, and worst of all, I am breaking out like a teenager hitting puberty.

My college only accepts 30 students into The Program for the Spring semester. There are 15 people that I know of that have higher scores than me. That doesn't include the other 100's of applicants that I don't know their scores. Who know's how many are really ahead of me.

I have no idea what will happen if I don't make it in. It will be a huge crushing blow to my ego that's for sure. I finally heard from work and they have found someone so my nice work at home job will end on Friday and along with that, so will the paychecks.

At this point I suppose the only thing I can do is wait and keep my fingers crossed hoping that I didn't rush into this and quit my nice paying corporate job for nothing. I can't help but worry that I did though.

Scrub Envy

2010-09-10T08:03:00.000-05:00

Remember back in high school? Back when all the “popular girls” were the envy of all the other girls in the school? When you secretly paid attention to what they wore and only wished you could look as cool as them?

Ok, maybe it was just me??

I have noticed during my last year taking pre-reqs for my program that whenever someone walks in wearing scrubs, all the heads turn in their direction. I can just see them thinking to themselves “OMG, look at her. She’s wearing scrubs. Wonder if she works at a hospital? In a Dr office? How lucky is she?” Everyone gathers around her and quizzes this donner of the Sacred Scrubs, on just exactly why she is wearing them and then sits back and daydreams about the day when they get to be Just.Like.Her.

No?

Ok, again, maybe it’s just me?

In Limbo

2010-09-09T16:18:00.002-05:00

I’m still here. (Thanks for checking on me Marianne) :) I’ve just be in sort of a limbo state. My CNA class is over and I don’t take my state exam until October 12th. My application for NS is in so there is nothing left to do but wait (albeit impatiently). I am in my second week of my Micro class and I am really enjoying it. I am still employed part time at my old job even though I haven’t heard anything from my boss in over 3 weeks. (Not that I mind the paychecks). I heard from a co-worker that my replacement started on Tuesday but I have heard nothing from my boss. (again, I will keep accepting the check until I hear otherwise). Aside from the big Halloween party I am planning, life has been pretty uneventful these past few weeks.

I have also been feeling a bit down and haven’t been able to shake it. Maybe I need to get back to blogging regularly to help my mood?

There's a party in my tummy!!

2010-08-30T14:27:00.000-05:00

Have I ever told you how much I love party planning? Well if not, now you know.

Seriously, other than Nursing, I would absolutely LOVE to be a professional party planner. Corporate events, kid’s birthdays, adult parties, weddings, whatever. There is something amazing about planning a fantastic party, then seeing all your hard work come together for a few hours of fun. Plus I love that feeling I get when people talk about my parties for months afterwards. I love it when people come to me for ideas for their own parties and I get to help them out. There is something therapeutic about working for hours on all the little details of a party and then bringing them all together.

I chose Nursing instead because it is less risky than starting my own business. Plus, I am not the type to go out and beg for business so I would probably get nowhere fast. I wish I could team up with an outgoing person who could do all the face to face work while I sit behind the scenes and plan. That would be perfect. Unfortunately, I have yet to come across a person who shares my passion for parties as much as I do and who wouldn’t mind being in the trenches so to speak. Yet another downfall to my extremely introverted personality.

I share all this with you because this is what I am filling my time with while I wait. Wait for my acceptance letter, wait for my state CNA exam to be scheduled, wait for Nursing school to start.

First up was my daughter’s second birthday party. Where I normally start planning these a few months in advance, this one I kinda threw together at the last minute. It was the first time I have attempted to make my own cake/cupcakes and I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself for how they turned out.

(For those of you scratching your heads, wondering what the hell that is - check out Yo Gabba Gabba ) The party also went off pretty well too. Everyone had a great time, and Brynn absolutely LOVED every minute of it.

Next is our big annual Halloween party. I am fortunate that my husband loves this holiday as much as I do and puts up with our parties getting bigger and bigger every year. This one is usually the talk of our circle of friends for months before and months afterward. I have already started getting questions about what this year’s theme is going to be, I haven’t released it yet (gotta keep them in suspense for a little bit longer while I work out more details) but they all seem pretty excited about it already. This year I am attempting to make my own costume as well which is turning out to be pretty interesting considering I have never used a sewing machine before. It is also turning out to be more challenging since I am jobless and we are on a pretty tight budget. Normally I go crazy. This year I have to figure out how to put on a fabulous party, while sticking to a slim budget.

So there you have it. If you were wondering what has been going on with me, now you know. Don’t be surprised if my blog gets filled up with my Halloween projects while I wait, and wait and wait and wait. I have GOT to keep myself busy or I am going to go insane with anxiety.

More waiting...

2010-08-23T11:40:00.000-05:00

I wasn't able to take the test yesterday as planned. I had to pay for the test before I was able to take it and I totally spaced that the business office would be closed on Sundays.

I did take it this morning though, even after all signs pointed to maybe it wasn't a good day to take it. (Running around getting my daughter ready for her first day of school, waking up to shit and vomit all over my office from the dog we are taking care of, the little one waking up SCREAMING and just being a complete crab all morning) I am happy to say that I score 100% on the math portion of the test, which was obviously the one I focused all my studying on and was also the one I was most nervous about.

I did not do as well on the reading part though. This was the only section that counted towards our entrance scores. I got a 91.3%, still pretty good, but I was hoping for a better score. I am a little disappointed in myself. It is what it is though right?

This means I am applying to the Spring 2011 nursing program with a 11.652 out of 12 points.

I really hope it is good enough. Normally I wouldn't be worried, but the scores are REALLY high this time.

So now I wait. Wait for my score to populate in the system, then once I turn in my application, I wait for my acceptance/denial letter to come in the mail.

The next two months are going to be torturous.

Send me your good luck thoughts!!!

2010-08-21T23:10:00.000-05:00

I go in tomorrow to take my HESI. I have put it off long enough. This is the only thing that is standing between me and nursing school.

I'm freaking out a bit.

And That's That.

2010-08-17T23:31:00.000-05:00

I am two days away from the end of this hellish summer semester. I just finished up my last three discussion posts and my last quiz for my pharm class. I am so glad to be done with that class. Even though I might have pulled an A out of my ass (I’m sitting at a 90 before the last three posts are graded), I am sad to say I have learned pretty much nothing. I will most definitely be taking this class again once I get into the program. Nice waste of time and money that was.

My stinky (literally) PE class ends with a fitness test tomorrow (woo hoo! <-- sarcasm) and a final on Thursday. I plan on taking the dreaded HESI test on Saturday and hopefully I will be putting in my application for the Spring 2011 nursing program by this time next week.

My CNA class is still moving along. We are finished with the lecture portion and I have three more days of clinicals left. I won’t be able to take my state exam until sometime toward the end of September though. I am still at odds with what I want to do with it. I know getting a job at the nursing home I am at now will be fairly easy but the more time I spend there, even though I have come to like some of the residents, I really don’t see myself happy working there. I have glanced through some job postings at the local hospitals and most want 6 months to a year of experience. (should I have expected any differently?) I think I am just going to apply anyways. Why the hell not right?

Confusing First Clinical Experience

2010-08-10T15:20:00.000-05:00

Hello there! Long time no post. I know. Shame on me. I have been SLAMMED with school/work/kids/sickness for the past few weeks. Only a few more weeks to go until this crazy semester is over then it is on to the next one (which will hopefully be a bit more relaxing)

I had my first clinical experience for my CNA program yesterday and I left feeling sad but at the same time elated. It was actually a very strange feeling.

I have heard stories about CNA’s. How they are lazy, give bad care, and just don’t care about their job or the people they are caring for. The facility that we are doing our clinicals at is a VERY nice facility. When you walk in you get the feeling you are in an expensive hotel rather than a nursing home. I mistakenly thought this facility was going to be different. Boy was I wrong.

The CNA I was assigned to was absolutely terrible. I know it isn’t my place to judge after only three hours with her, but I don’t have to be an experienced CNA to know how awful she really is at her job. First of all, she told me to go feed one of her patients. I sat there and chatted with this lady as I was feeding her while CNAss sat in the corner on her cell phone the entire time. When I finished up, CNAss walked out of the room and left me there alone. The resident asked me for her cell phone. I tried to find it but couldn’t and went to hunt down CNAss to see if she knew where it would be. I finally found her shoving a huge piece of cake in her mouth at the nurse’s station and when I asked her about the phone she told me to look on the nightstand as it should be on the charger. I go back in, find the charger but not the phone and in comes CNAss. She rips off this lady’s sheets, throws up her gown completely exposing this poor lady to everyone that walked by (yes, the door and privacy curtain were WIDE open) and says “Mrs. So&so, where’s your phone? We don’t know where it is. I guess your daughter took it. Take it up with her when she comes in”. I was shocked but didn’t know what to do and sheepishly hung my head and walked out of the room with CNAss.

Next, we run into this little old man strolling through the hall in his wheelchair. CNAss starts chatting with him. She was actually pretty friendly and I thought, maybe she just had a bad moment. We collect trays from the residents rooms and when we were done, she again walks up to this man, bumps me on the shoulder, says “watch this” and says to him “Mr. Confused, do you remember talking to me today” He looks at her and says “No, when did we talk? Who are you?” and she starts laughing and walks away.

Finally, she takes me into a room to get a resident dressed and into his wheelchair. She goes in, rips off his sheets, starts rudely quizzing him on what he is going to wear, rolls him over to find he had wet himself and rolls her eyes while letting out a huge sigh. She mumbles something about needing the wipes and again, walks out of the room with me standing there holding this man on his side, door wide open, residents naked butt hanging out all over the place (yes, I covered him). We get him cleaned up and in his wheelchair (the whole time she is laughing and mumbling something about paying her cell phone bill) and she disappears, yet again. I hunt her down, again, and ask her where this gentleman needs to go. “I don’t know, wherever he wants” was her response. I go back in, ask him where he would like to go and take him there. CNAss is nowhere to be found so I find the linen closet, gather up new sheets and start changing and cleaning his bed. His roommate was in there reading a paper and asks me to open the curtains and the blinds and close the door. I say “sure thing, I would be happy to” do as he requests and get back to changing the bed. He puts his paper down, looks at me and says “I just have to tell you, you are such a joy to be around. You have really made my day”.

That was the point I started feeling confused.

It was such a nice thing to hear and he actually ended up making my day but I barely said two words to this man. If me just being nice makes his day what does that say about the care he is getting there? Is he normally not treated with courtesy and respect? What about everyone else there? From what I have seen, there was no respect to be found.

I left with a smile on my face because I found that I really liked working with the residents a lot more than I thought I would. I was so proud of myself for not freezing up and being able to get in there and do what I needed to do. They were so sweet and it really made me feel good to be able to help them, but I also wanted to cry. I HATED seeing the way they were treated. I couldn’t believe that there would be people working there that acted that way. I just don’t understand why you would do that job if you hated it so much. I mean, you could probably make more money working at Wal-Mart than being a CNA and not have to work as hard. It isn’t fair to the residents to get a nasty CNA like that.

I was excited to do clinicals at this facility because it was such a nice place and I knew they would possibly be hiring a few of us students after we were tested, but now, I’m not even sure I want to do this anymore if I have to work with people like that.

Wordy Wednesday

2010-07-21T15:49:00.000-05:00

*It’s a play on “Wordless Wednesday”. See how clever I am?*

- I am still hanging on to my CNA and Pharm classes. No worries, I have no intention of giving up, it has just become more of a struggle than I had anticipated.

- I still feel like I am in way over my head for this pharmacology stuff. I am starting to think that taking this class during a shortened summer semester wasn’t exactly the best idea. Now it has become more of a cram session, whereas if I had taken it in a longer semester it would be moving more slowly allowing me to actually absorb more of the information.

- I volunteered to be the “patient” in last night’s CNA class, putting myself WAY out of my comfort zone. I am so glad I did though because it really helped me see how nervous everyone else really was. Obviously I am not the only one that has a hard time with the “communication” part.

- Not only did that help me realize I wasn’t alone, it also put me at an excellent advantage since I got to see and help everyone else do the skills so when it was my turn, I had it down nearly perfectly. I wasn’t as nervous as I would have been without all that extra “help” so I found that I was able to walk through all the steps much easier, and with less anxiety. I still have a long ways to go before I am totally comfortable with this, but I hope that as this class progresses I will find myself less and less nervous. (now if I could only have more than 24 hours to practice this stuff on real patients in a real setting.)

- Part of me really hopes that my job will soon bid me farewell, while the other part hopes I can hang on to it as long as possible. We really need all the money we can get, but I feel so out of place. Like I’m in limbo. I find myself jumping around between so many different things lately (school, work, kids, school, studying) that I can’t seem to catch up on any one thing. I suppose it is something I better get used to now though right?

Overwhelming Self Doubts

2010-07-16T14:54:00.000-05:00

I feel my stress level rising and that is not a good sign. I have finished the first week of my CNA class and while I don’t find the material difficult at all, I am extremely nervous about having to “perform” in front of a bunch of strangers. I seem to have clicked really well with one of the other ladies in my class, which helps me feel a little more comfortable but I still get very anxious just thinking about having to do some of these things in front of other people.

This is a huge character flaw in myself I have known about for a long time. I am not a social person at all. I hate to be watched and I get nervous in crowds, hell even in small unfamiliar groups. I freeze, then sweat. I had really hoped that doing this would help me get over whatever fear I have but I am worried it is going to cause me to doubt myself so much I end up quitting altogether. I mean, my heart starts beating a million miles a minute as soon as someone mentions just having to talk to people. That cannot be normal right?

I was watching one of my new favorite shows last night, Boston Med, and as I saw the nurse interacting with the patient I immediately thought to myself, there is no way I can do that. What am I getting myself in to? Shouldn’t it be different? Shouldn’t I have been excited to imagine myself in that situation? Normally I would be, but something has changed. Doubt has really set in.

I have also recently started my online Pharmacology class. I was looking forward to this class until I started reading some of the lectures and discussion topics we will be going over. I feel like I am in way over my head with this class. No wonder my campus is so adamant about students taking it while in the nursing program rather than before. It really seems like you have to have some good basic knowledge of nursing in order to understand most of this stuff. It has really gotten me thinking: If I can’t handle a silly little Pharm class, what makes me think I am going to be able to handle an entire Nursing program?

To top it all off, this week has been hard. I am trying to work out a whole new schedule. Between being at home with my kids all the time now, to trying to work out when I can get my part time hours in for my job, to working in some studying and going to class, it has been very hectic. I feel so out of order. Things are in chaos around me and I am trying to figure out how to gather up all my balls and start juggling them again. I don’t have much time to get it all figured out either.

Such a change from last week, when I was so excited to get started on all of this, to this week, where I feel I am in way over my head and wondering what the hell I have done.

Something's in the air

2010-07-12T21:52:00.000-05:00

I was sitting here feeling bad for not posting much lately (especially bad since I haven’t been keeping up with my Sunday deal either) when I realized, Hey, I’m not the only one who hasn’t been around much these days. Quite a few of my favorite bloggy friends have been on a hiatus as well. It must be that time of year. So now, I really don’t feel as bad as I did – but still a little bad.

I’m not sure what it is. I could pour out a list of excuses a mile long for why I have gone into hiding but I just don’t feel like making the effort.

And that right there, my friends, is my problem.

I just don’t feel like making an effort at much these days. I would promise to do better, keep up with the blog a little more, try to put in more effort…

But then I would just be a liar.

Officially Un....errr wait, nope. Still Employed.

2010-07-09T10:45:00.001-05:00

That's right. I still have a J-O-B

For how much longer, I have no idea.

I went to what I thought was going to be my exit interview, and I was met with pleadings to stay, an inquisition if you will. I told them I could stay as long as they needed me to however, I will only work from home and they would have to work around my schedule. After more (boring) discussion, we all decided that I will stay on from home part time until they can get somebody else in here.

Honestly, I am a bit relieved. (things always have a way of working out right?!?) We really could use the extra paycheck this will bring and this means there will be less time with me unemployed while working through my CNA course.

I love it when things fall into place. Let’s just hope they keep falling exactly as they are.

Today's the Day!

2010-07-07T07:33:00.002-05:00

Today starts the enrollment period for the Spring 2011 Nursing program. I have had this day on my calendar for MONTHS now and it is finally here. Even though I can't apply yet (waiting on that last friggin credit*) I am super excited. It just means I am that much closer.

I have decided it is a good thing I can't apply right away. It means there is less time for me to sit around and wait, and wait, and wait for them to send me an acceptance/~~rejection~~ letter. That means there is less time for me to go crazy with impatience.

Who am I kidding.

I am the most impatient person on the planet.

But still...

Next week I start that last stinky credit and my CNA course (and Pharm but who's counting). Hopefully I will be busy enough that the day's will fly by.

*Is it crazy that I am actually looking forward to this PE class? It gives me a reason to get off my ass and I am hoping I might even lose some of these stubborn lbs. I look at it like my own personal trainer 4 days a week for 6 weeks. Can't beat that right?

Wake up call

2010-06-28T10:23:00.003-05:00

I sit down in front of the computer with clammy hands. Sweat starts to bead on my forehead as I click start on the screen. The questions go by in an instant. I hit submit and my scores flash back at me. 98% in math. Fantastic. 80% in reading. Oh shit.

My heart sinks.

I won’t be making it into the Nursing Program with a score like that. I needed at least a 92 to ensure a spot. I KNEW I should have taken it last enrollment period just in case. I cry. Hard. Right there in a room full of others taking the same test. I can’t breathe. Everything I have been working toward for the last year flashes before my eyes. I immediately regret quitting my job. I start to worry about how disappointed my family is going to be as I run from the room.

I wake up.

It was just a dream but I feel panicked. I can’t go back to sleep so I just lie there trying to shake the feeling of failure.

All of this just for the stupid HESI entrance exam I have to take within the next 2 weeks. I didn’t realize I was that stressed about it. Funny thing is that I am more worried about the math part of the test than the reading part even though the reading alone is what determines my scores for entrance into The Program. The math I just have to pass with a 70.

Maybe I need to put a little more effort into studying for this test.

I am going to hate to see myself when it is time to take the NCLEX.

Yes, a Nurse. Really.

2010-06-23T10:34:00.000-05:00

I have been resisting the urge to run down the halls announcing my resignation to everyone. I feel that if my boss wants others to know I am leaving, she will announce it herself. (Don’t get me wrong though, I would love nothing more than to run these halls saying “see ya suckers!!” Alas, I must remain professional)

Obviously she has announced it somehow.

I have been getting calls left and right from co-workers and old bosses asking me about it. They all seem to think “going back to school” is code for something else. I have to explain that yes, I am really going back to school. No, I am not on some secret mission. Most are pretty happy for me and seem generally supportive. Others question my decision to go into Nursing.

I haven’t really told many people I am doing this other than family and a few close friends. They have all been extremely supportive. I have heard stories about how others have gotten mixed responses about their decision to pursue this career. Some get the third degree about it and are made to feel they are just not cut out for Nursing. I am finally getting those kind of responses and I have to say, they definitely sting a little.

My old boss, who has always been my favorite person to work for, called me this morning and quizzed me about it. “You know that is a tough job right?” “Are you sure you really want to do that?” “You know you will be taking a huge pay cut right?” “How does your husband feel about it?” I understand the concern. It is a big decision. It is not a decision that I have taken lightly though. It is not something I just woke up one day and said “Hmmm….I guess nursing sounds good. Why the hell not?” I am fully prepared for the challenges that I am going to face from every angle while doing this.

I want others to feel like I am going to be a good nurse, like this is something that they can see me doing. I want to feel like I exude the “nurse aura” so when I get comments that are negative, it hurts my self confidence. When people say to me “Nursing? Really?” as if it is some big shock that I have chosen that particular career path, it really hurts.

Of course these type comments have been few and far between compared to the praise I am getting but when they come from people that you respect it makes them seem so much bigger. I won’t let these people bring me down though. I have worked too hard already to let a few harsh words get to me.

Yes, I am going to be a nurse, and yes, I am going to be a good one.

Well I did it

2010-06-21T11:27:00.000-05:00

I handed in my resignation today. Boy was that a nerve wracking event. Overall, they seemed pretty happy for me which is definitely a relief.

Now I am scared shitless. There is no turning back from this point on. In three weeks I will be unemployed. In three weeks I will be taking one of the biggest steps of my life. In three weeks I will be walking out of my comfort zone of steady paychecks and a reliable job and marching myself and my family right into the unknown.

What the hell did I just do?

This is when I start not feeling bad anymore

2010-06-18T10:06:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I start getting these doubts in my head. I start thinking that maybe my job isn’t as bad as I make it seem sometimes. I have a pretty decent job actually, at a pretty big company, making pretty good money. I start wondering why I want to give it all up. I start trying to make myself find the good things and try to start ignoring the crap things about this job (which by far outweigh the good). Then something happens that reaffirms why I am leaving.

Communication at a job (any job) is really important to me. I may not be the most social person but I don’t feel like I have to be everyone’s friend and share my personal business with my coworkers in order to be a good employee. I do feel like people need to discuss work related things with me though, and will gladly invite any kind of brainstorming session. While I do like my boss, I feel like my team sorely lacks in the communication department.

As I sit here, still feeling bad for my imminent resignation, I get a meeting request from someone stating that I am a point person for this certain project and will be available to answer any and all questions from the field relating to said project during this call (which is scheduled for this afternoon). Huh? When did this happen? (keep in mind that this meeting request did not come from nor include my boss in any way AND I have not been involved with this project, or any discussions about this project, in months). I send it on to my boss to see if she knows about it and wouldn’t you know? She sure does. Apparently, she has been having discussions with some people about moving me into more of a management type roll and wants me to take the lead on all of our projects. While this is flattering, it would have been nice to have a discussion with HER before I started getting meeting requests, and emails, and expectations from the field. Obviously, everyone BUT me knows about this transition. Don’t you think it would have been appropriate of her to meet with me first? Discuss her expectations and goals for me in this new role she is developing for me?

Now while I realize this might seem trivial. It is just one example of how communication is lacking and situations like this really frustrate me. I have been in this position for about 7 months now and have pretty much had to train myself. I am tired of everyone making all these “plans” that involve me, without any kind of discussion with me.

So now, I no longer feel bad about handing in my notice on Monday. This way they can find someone else before they have spent too much time on developing me into my new role (whatever exactly that may entail) and they can find someone else who can handle the lack of communication.

Just call me a quitter

2010-06-16T17:06:00.001-05:00

I will be handing in my resignation from my job on Monday. I am so nervous about it. I don’t even know how to quit. What would be the best way to do this? I have a letter of resignation already typed up but beyond that, I have no idea how to approach this. I have been with this company for over 6 years, which in the grand scheme of things doesn’t seem like very long but to me, it is a pretty long time. What makes me even more nervous about it is the fact that my boss has been talking quite a bit recently about her plans for the future for me. She wants to make me a Project Lead. She has been talking about how she wants to see things in 3,4,5, and 6 months from now and where she thinks I can go. It makes me feel bad about leaving this position and part of me feels so sneaky since I have known I was going to quit for a while now and haven’t said a word. I knew I was going to quit when I took this position and didn’t say anything. I just let them think I was in it for the long haul when I knew I wasn’t. I know that this is going to disappoint her.

Does that make me an immoral person? Or is it something I just chalk up to doing what I needed to do for the greater good?

I'm back!

2010-06-15T18:31:00.000-05:00

So did ya miss me??

The vacation was completely exhausting but we all had fun. I did decide though, that my kids are just not old enough to appreciate a big vacation like that yet. They both were perfectly content spending the entire time at the hotel swimming pool. In fact, when we went to the parks that is all they begged (and whined and cried) to do. Next time we have decided to take them to Mexico where they can swim in the pool/ocean all they want while The Husband and I can drink all the cocktails we want. Money better spent that way for sure.

Some things I learned while on vacation:

- I need to get a more comfortable pair of shoes. I came home with four blisters on my feet and my back and knees are killing me from all that walking while lugging around my 26 lb kid.

- I think it’s time I talked to the Dr about my anxiety. It was so crowded there and my kids were not on their best behavior most of the time which left me in a completely frazzled/sweaty/anxious state almost the entire time.

- Because of the above, a vacation is not the best time to try to quit a serious habit. On top of my anxious mess, I also forgot to take my meds the entire time I was there so I am starting over again. New quit date will be July 1st. I’m still serious about it, and still definitely plan on quitting, I just couldn’t make it work as soon as I wanted.

- When taking a vacation like that, more than one day off is needed when I get back in order to fully recoup. A vacation from my vacation if you will.

So there you have it. I will now leave you with a couple of my favorite pictures of my super cute kids.

Sunday's Specialty - Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nursing

2010-06-06T07:07:00.002-05:00

This week’s specialty comes to us from Nurse Teeny over at The Makings of a Nurse. She is technically not working as a Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurse (yet) but if you read through her blog you can see how much passion she has for this particular specialty. This passion is exactly why I asked her to share with us on this, and I am so glad she did! After you finish reading about this specialty, head on over to her blog to check her out!

Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nursing

I may have no business writing this post, seeing as how I was in Peds Hem/Onc for a total of 168 hours...as a capstone nursing student...

But oh how I loved it! And now that I am a working RN in Critical Care, oh how I miss it!

And I will be back. :-)

Pediatric hematology/oncology nursing is working with kiddos who have blood disorders and cancer. It can be on an inpatient or outpatient basis. Your patients will range in age from infant to young adult (if they were diagnosed as kids, they'll often be followed by their pediatric doc into young adulthood for consistency). You will see a lot of hair loss, a lot of skin issues, a lot of nausea and vomiting. You will become an expert at central line management, blood and platelet transfusions, bone marrow transplants, and nutrition management. You will become allies with parents and family members, many of whom will become like extra staff members on the floor. They will have tips for getting that medication down the hatch (and will often be comfortable giving it themselves), they will know when their child is having a medication reaction before any symptoms appear and they will know normal lab values better than you in a matter of weeks (what's normal for these kids is NOT normal for the rest of the world).

If this is a specialty you are considering, I would highly recommend trying to get some exposure to it in nursing school to 1) Make sure it's for you and 2) Get it on your resume. It IS possible to get a job in peds hem/onc as a new grad but probably only if you do your senior capstone rotation in this area (or at least in either pediatrics or oncology). In the current job market, however, the pickings are slim. You will likely have to start somewhere else, then move over once you have your "1-2 years of acute care experience" (I really grew to hate that phrase).

Once you have worked in inpatient hem/onc, you can also move into outpatient care. Most hospital cancer centers have clinics where kiddos can come and get chemo or transfusions on an outpatient basis. They'll also need periodic checkups. In addition, since a lot of kids are immunosuppressed, usually doctors arrange for them to be admitted as inpatients through the clinic rather than the hospital ER if they have a fever or aren't feeling well.

The beautiful and poignant thing about peds hem/onc is that you get to witness just how resilient kids really are. I had patients in the middle of chemo who were riding their tricycles down the hallways and doing art projects in the craft room. They may feel like crap, but they'll be damned if that's going to keep them from going to the school room and making a potato battery. Even the ones who were dying wanted to "just be kids" for as long as they could. When one of my patients found out I'd be graduating in about two months, she told me she'd come back to the floor and bring me a graduation present. I was pretty sure that she wasn't going to make it to my graduation day but the fact that she was thinking of someone else in that moment was touching.

When I talk about the kind of nurse I want to be, many people scrunch up their noses and purse their lips and ask the age-old question: "Why?" Why would you want to work with sick kids? Why watch kids suffer and die? Isn't it draining?

No, it's not draining. It's sad on some days. It's fun on others. We have birthday parties and cupcakes and we wear silly hats and costumes. We celebrate the victories and cry when we lose a friend. We listen when the parents need to vent, and hold babies when mom needs to take a shower or get off the floor to grab a cup of a coffee and some fresh air. We acknowledge that it's just not right that anyone should be going through what these little ones go through.

But they go through it anyway, right or not. And we're there for them through it all. And I love it.

And yes, I will most definitely be back. :-)

For more information about peds hem/onc nursing, here are some helpful sites:
Association of Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses (APHON) (http://www.aphon.org/)
Certified Pediatric Hematology Oncology Nurse Exam Information (http://www.oncc.org/getcertified/testinformation/cpon/index.shtml)

Thanks again Nurse Teeny, for sharing your passion for this specialty with us! I wish you luck and hope that you find yourself doing what you really want to do soon!

And we're off!!

2010-06-05T03:43:00.002-05:00

The highly anticipated, MUCH needed family vacation is FINALLY here!!! We are off to spend 7 days in Disneyworld! We are all super excited and I expect the two day car ride to get there is going to be torture for all of us. Luckily, we are breaking up the days both there and back by spending some time in Pensacola Florida soaking up the sun on the beach. I have good intentions studying for the HESI and maybe even getting a head start on my Pharmacology class while I am in the car however, I make no promises to anyone that it will actually happen that way and can pretty much guarantee that studying will fall by the wayside once we drive through those magical gates.

Tomorrow’s specialty will be posted as usual. Don't miss it! It is a good one. I will be taking a break for next weeks but expect to be back on once my vacation ends and I get settled back into reality.

Peace Out! Don’t miss me too much!

I have a confession to make

2010-06-04T11:07:00.001-05:00

I’m a smoker.

That’s right. I’m a dirty smoker.

When I went to the Dr a few months back and was diagnosed with Bronchitis, my Dr also felt that I might have smoking induced asthma. You see, I have had this cough for a few years now (yes I said years). I never went to see a Dr about it because I was scared it might be something serious. (How’s that for DUMB?) She decided to make me go for a chest X-ray just to check everything out. I will be honest. I was on edge the entire weekend waiting for those results. I was so worried that something was going to be wrong. I mean, it isn’t normal to have a cough for years. Thankfully, everything was clear but it was still pretty scary. I now have an inhaler that helps with my cough.

Still, I didn’t quit.

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about quitting. I want to, but then again I don’t. I can’t explain exactly what it is that makes me not want to quit. If you smoke you know what I mean. If not, well, go on thinking I am crazy.

My Dr prescribed me Zyban to help me quit. I have been hanging on to it for a few months trying to talk myself into committing to quitting. (I love it when I unintentionally rhyme) I always had an excuse why I couldn’t start them. I am happy to say though, that I made the commitment on Tuesday to start taking them and quit smoking. Just right then and there, without any self arguments. I took control and started them.

It will be a long process. I’m a pack a day smoker although I have been able to cut it down over the last few weeks to just over a half a pack. With Zyban, they said to set a “quit date” about two weeks into them so I have set my date as June 15th. There it is in writing. No turning back now. I can’t really tell much of a difference so far in the past 4 days that I have been taking them. I do notice that I am becoming more sensitive to the smell. I can go longer in between them but that could also be from me cutting down before starting this. I plan to keep a journal of sorts to see how each day progresses on this medication and keep track of what I am feeling. Maybe when I get back from my vacation I will post it.

So there you have it. Hopefully in two weeks I will be an ex-smoker.

Since all (2) of you asked....

2010-06-03T09:28:00.000-05:00

Since you asked so nicely, I figured I would post some pics. The before pic is of my best friend and I (still miss her like crazy!). The after pic I took on the way to work. I'm sure I looked like a fool sitting in traffic taking pictures of myself.

I don't know if this is a good before/after comparison but it's all I had on my work computer (that looked halfway decent).

The dark is kinda growing on me I guess.

No, you didn't just stumble into the unknown. Yes, you are in the right place.

2010-06-02T15:29:00.000-05:00

See. This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands. I start messing with things that don't need to be messed with. I also got my hair colored too. Dark. Really dark. I am normally a blonde. My husband hates it.

I'm bored so I thought I would change things up a bit. Not sure how I feel about it yet. Maybe it will grow on me. (The hair too.)

Sunday's Specialty - Rehabilitation Nursing

2010-05-30T09:15:00.000-05:00

This week’s specialty comes to us from RehabRN. After you read what she has to say about Rehabilitation Nursing, hop on over to her blog to check out the rest of her posts. She has some great stories over there, along with some links to some really good articles.

Rehab Nursing...the good, the bad, the ugly

I like to tell people that my job as a rehabilitation nurse involves teaching people how to live. Patients come to inpatient rehabilitation for two main reasons: they need 24 hour nursing care and they need physical, occupational, speech or other therapies, and can tolerate them a minimum of three hours per day.

People come to rehab for a variety of specific reasons, too. They could be debilitated from a heart attack, pneumonia, surgery, or sometimes following hospitalization for a chronic condition. Many patients need to rebuild their endurance to go home. Most commonly, however, patients are sent to rehab following a stroke, traumatic brain injury or spinal cord injury. In addition, there are also specialized rehab programs for the blind and amputees.

In terms of where you work, you can work in many rehab settings with just an LPN license or as a diploma nurse. Baccalaureate trained nurses are often preferred. Your experience can vary, because you’ll need both those med-surg skills, such as starting IVs, tube feedings, inserting catheters, as well as other specialized skills you’ll learn along the way. You may assist doctors in performing procedures on the unit, such as changing tracheotomy tubes, lumbar punctures or complex wound dressings. Some facilities may also want you to maintain ACLS certification, others not.

Rehab settings may seem “slow” or “boring” to some new nurses, but they’re not always that way. You’ll learn a lot about prioritizing patient care when three of your six patients are due to therapy all at the same time, and you need to assess, medicate them and perform your treatments. In some units, you have hustle and bustle, then a little quiet time, then hustle and bustle and a little more time again. It just depends on your patients and a variety of other factors. As the Boy Scouts say, be prepared just in case the unexpected happens.

Many facilities may want nurses with two years experience, or they may hire you as a new nurse right out of school. Rehab nurses work in a variety of settings outside the hospital including clinics, long term care facilities, home health agencies, schools and outpatient rehab facilities, to name a few.

You will also deal with a lot of psychosocial issues in rehab, so I like to tell people that rehab nursing is a combination of med-surg and psychiatric nursing. These two factors can be very exhausting as a new nurse, both physically and emotionally. Besides med-surg and psych skills, rehab nurses are a vital part of the treatment team. We work with every kind of therapist you can imagine: physical, occupational, recreational, speech, etc., as well as medical staff, chaplains, and psychologists. Rehab nurses provide vital feedback necessary for the rehab hospital to get reimbursement from insurance via their care plans and their participation in team conferences.

If you are practicing in a rehab setting for two years, you may qualify to sit for certification exams, including the CRRN (Certified Rehabilitation Registered Nurse –see http://www.rehabnurse.org/), MSCN (Multiple Sclerosis Certified Nurse—see http://www.ptcny.com/clients/MSNICB/index.html) or other related certifications, depending on your area of expertise.

So where do you go from here? It’s up to you. In my short career, I’ve seen nurses in rehab go on to work in ICUs, wound care clinics, home health agencies and as case managers. One nurse I worked with even became a nurse manager of a rehab unit. There are a wide variety of places in which you can use your skills. Always keep your eyes open! Be willing to learn new things and the world is your oyster.

About the author:

RehabRN is a certified rehabilitation nurse working for the one of the nation’s largest healthcare systems. Read more about her working life at the Hotel Rehab at http://rehabrn.blogspot.com.

Thank you so much RehabRN for contributing! That was excellent information about Rehabilitation Nursing!

Change of Shift

2010-05-28T09:15:00.000-05:00

I’m feeling pretty special right about now. Nurse Teeny is hosting Change of Shift this go around and whadayaknow? I’m on there!! Head on over to her place to read this edition of Change of Shift. She did a great job.

Excuse me while I regress a few years

2010-05-25T10:21:00.000-05:00

**Huge immature childish post ahead.

I need to whine. I need to get my “it’s so unfair” moment out of my system. I do realize I am almost 30 and this is going to make me sound like my 6 year old but frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

My sister is a 24 year old college graduate. In fact she has had her BS in Biology for about two years now. The girl has held one job her entire life. Over a summer. 4 years ago. She has had every.single.thing handed to her on a silver, sometimes gold, platter. She has never had to work for anything. Her school was entirely paid for. Her room and board has been entirely paid for – and not in the sense of living with the ‘rents. She moved out and went to school in a different state at 18 and has been living off my parents dime the entire time. The girl can’t do anything on her own. She can’t make a decision without someone holding her hand. My mom has asked me SEVERAL times to fly out to where she is to hold her hand and help her find a job. Um, excuse me? You want ME to put my life on hold for several weeks to go help her figure out hers? Why can’t she walk her lazy ass up to the employment office at her college and have THEM help her? Oh, that’s right. Because she needs someone to walk her there.

I am beyond frustrated right now. I realize that I made different choices in life. I chose to quit college and get married shortly after high school. I chose to have children and start a family early. In my defense though, even while I WAS in school, I still had to have a job to pay for my room and board while my grandfather paid for my school. It isn’t like I had the same opportunities that she has been lucky enough to have had for the past 6 years.

I have been working my ass off over the last year to try to do what my sister has been taking for granted. Get an education. I don’t have any free rides or handouts. I struggle. I make my own choices. I research my own options. I worry about my family’s future and the last thing I have available to me is someone here holding my hand through the process. Someone holding out their checkbook for me at every single one of my whims.

My “it’s not fair” moment has stemmed from me recently (as of this morning) finding out that my dear little sister is taking an all expense paid (by the ‘rents) cruise for the summer. Now why does this bother me so much you might ask? Aside from the above, I asked my parents for help with school and was told that they just couldn’t afford it. With my sister still jobless, and them still supporting her, as well as having to support my brother on his mission (they are Mormon. I am obviously NOT – long story), they just don’t have the funds to help me out right now.

It hurts. It hurts that my whole life I have had to work for everything I have. The day I turned 16 I had a job and have had one ever since. I have never asked them for much at all. They have never had to support me like they have had to support my adult sister for the past 6 years. Now, when I really need some help, they can’t, or won’t help because my sister is sucking them dry and they are letting her.

I am angry, and disappointed, and feeling sorry for myself. I know that life it not fair. That doing this on my own will make me appreciate it more, blah, blah, blah. I know this. But right now, I just don’t care.

I am hurt.

Plan of Attack!!! (Take III)

2010-05-21T19:53:00.001-05:00

Time to revisit "The Plan" so I can see my progress :) Just a few things have changed since the last time but it makes me feel good about myself to see how far I am getting. Besides, who doesn't like patting themselves on the back every now and then? I know I could sure use it right about now.

Summer '09
Sociology - DONE!!
Gen Psychology – DONE!!

Fall '09
A&P I – DONE!!!
Lifespan Psych – DONE!!

Wintermester ‘09
Speech – DONE!!!!!

Spring '10
A&P II – DONE!!!!
Fine Arts Elective – ~~Hopefully Photography~~ Art Appreciation – DONE!!!!

Summer ‘10
PE Course – Registered
Pharmacology – Registered
CNA Course – Still need to register…after I get my damn social security card AGAIN!!! (Stupid husband)

Fall ‘10
Microbiology - Registered

Spring ‘11
NS BABY!!!!!!

It is amazing to me to see what I have done in almost a year. It was definitely a challenge for all of us and getting used to the schedule wasn't easy but we did it. Once my grade for my stinky PE course posts this summer, I will be sending in my application for The Program. Now I just need to keep my fingers crossed that I will still be able to register for my CNA course.

It is surreal to think that I am so close already.

I only wish I made this stuff up

2010-05-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

I am beyond livid right now and my husband is the source of my anger. He is lucky that he got away to the fire station tonight or I'm sure he would have felt the daggers I would be drilling into his head with my eyes.

I got my social security card in the mail on Monday. When I got home from work today I had planned on running up to the school to register for my CNA course. I go to find the envelope that housed my precious card and it is nowhere to be found. I ask my husband if he had seen it and he immediately replies that he hadn’t. In that instant I remembered him tearing up “junk” mail on Tuesday evening and my heart sank. I drilled him about whether or not he paid any attention at all to the mail he had been tearing up.

He swears he did.

We tear apart the house, once again, trying to find the damn card.

It is nowhere to be found.

I am convinced he carelessly tore it up and trashed it.

My precious card. Gone again.

He won’t even give me an apology. He says that I don’t know for sure that he did it. I wish he would prove me otherwise. I need that freakin card. Bad. He had the nerve to tell me it was no big deal, I can just go get another one. It IS a big deal. This means I have to take off yet ANOTHER day of work to go stand in line and get it, wait ANOTHER two weeks for it to come in, then keep my fingers crossed that there will be room left in the course for me to register.

Really. Who’s life is this anyways? Because it certainly can’t be mine.

'Round and 'round I go

2010-05-19T13:43:00.000-05:00

I have a little over three weeks until I turn in my notice at my job. I am getting really nervous about it and am starting to worry that I am doing the wrong thing. There are so many great benefits to getting my CNA however, I am really concerned as to how we are going to pay for Nursing School. We have saved so much money over the past month or so which is great but it won’t be enough to pay for school as we still need some of it to help with bills when I quit. My grandfather has agreed to help us out but I feel so bad about it. I wish we were able to do it on our own.

I have been thinking over the past few days about staying at my job and just sucking it up by taking my PE class in the evenings and miss seeing my kids for 6 weeks. This will allow us to save up even more than we have already. Every time the thought crosses my mind about staying here though, I get anxious. I have managed to drag through the past few months knowing I wouldn’t be here for much longer. Knowing that there is finally a date set for when I leave this place. Knowing that I will get some more time with my kids before my life is overtaken by Nursing School.

I hate to think that this whole decision is based off of me leaving this job. I would be a liar if I said it wasn’t a HUGE deciding factor in my choice to get my CNA. I am so burnt out at this company and my impatience to get on with my change in life/career is nagging at me constantly.

I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes and just go with the flow of life without all these wishy-washy feelings. I will never understand how one minute, this choice seems to be the best thing for us (me?), and the next, I am flooded with feelings that this may not be the best idea.

FINALLY!!!

2010-05-18T07:48:00.000-05:00

Grades have been posted! I am happy to report that I got my A in my A&P II class!! Whew, what a relief. I was really starting to stress a little last week. Everything was pretty much riding on that grade. I'm pretty sure I drove my husband crazy this weekend while I was glued to the computer pressing "refresh" over and over again.

Now it’s time to relax. (ok, at least try to relax). I decided to take everyone’s advice and take a break. We have the big family vacation coming up in a few weeks, then after that I will be doing nothing but studying for my HESI. I’m not too worried about the reading part (the only part that really counts for points in the entrance requirements) but I am worried about the math portion. I’m not the best at math and I haven’t looked at fractions in at least 10 years! That part I have to just pass with at least a 70 but knowing how important it is to nursing, I would really like to brush up as much as I can on my math skills.

But for now the relaxing begins.

Of course it might take me a little while to figure out exactly how to relax.

Sunday's Specialty - Med Surg

2010-05-16T10:51:00.001-05:00

This week’s specialty comes to us from DreamingTree over at Med Surg Zone. She writes some great stories about her experiences as a Med Surg Nurse. After you’re done reading, jump on over to her blog to check out more!

Five years ago, I decided to go back to school for nursing. My background is in psychology, and I thought nursing would enable me to expand my career opportunities. In all honesty, it had never been my life's dream. In fact, throughout nursing school, I was the student who dreaded learning new lab skills. They often looked painful or awkward, and I could always see the potential for mortal harm to my patients if I screwed up. Classmates and family were used to me wondering if I should quit at any given moment. Gaining knowledge was great; potentially harming someone -- freaky. I share all of this because I was asked to write about my experiences as a med/surg nurse. I was the least likely in my class to become a med/surg nurse; and yet, here I am. I love it.

A medical/surgical floor is often touted as the best place for a brand new shiny nurse to begin. Why? A med/surg unit deals with a wide variety of patients: post-ops, chronic illness flare-ups (our "frequent fliers"), new onset illnesses (pneumonia, GI complaints, etc.), to name a few -- hence the name, Medical/Surgical. Our patients aren't sick enough to require continuous monitoring, but that could change at any point. We don't deal with many exciting procedures. Foley catheters, IV sticks, NG tubes, dressing changes, and some occasional suctioning are as good as it usually gets. Though, one day I assisted with a bedside chest tube insertion -- that was a bit more exciting! On a typical day, I may be taking care of six patients with the following complaints:

1. 73 year old with acute renal failure, diabetes, & cancer
2. 62 year old with syncope (one of the church drops)
3. 95 year old with bilateral pleural effusions, UTI, who is on aspiration precautions, &has a stage 1 on coccyx
4. 41 year old with chest pain
5. 68 year old with metastatic cancer
6. 64 year old with end stage renal disease due to uncontrolled diabetes, new onset UTI & pneumonia

Taking care of six patients with a wide variety of conditions can seem overwhelming. Truth be told, I've been known to groan as I read through kardexes. Organization is the key. On a good day, I have a routine that I follow. Coffee, kardexes, coffee, report, coffee, greet patients, review vital signs, review meds, last gulp of coffee, begin assessments & med passes. I have learned that a quick pop into each room after report makes my day a bit better. This gives me the opportunity to write my name on the whiteboard, let the patient know that I will be available shortly, and allows me to eyeball each person. That quick glance at the patient tells me a lot -- neuro status, respirations, safety -- all of which helps me prioritize the order in which I'll assess each person. It also tends to put the patient at ease -- someone is checking in and assuring him/her that they will be back.

Take a look at my list of six patients. Who would you have seen first? Who would you guess to be the most stable? The diagnosis doesn't always tell you what you need to know. I quickly learned that #1 was the most ill. This patient's condition had changed on night shift, and was worse when I got to him on day shift. Heart rate was tachycardic; he was diaphoretic, lethargic, edematous, had noisy respirations, and had crackles. When you see changes like this, routines go out the window. Put the patient on oxygen, check am labs, contact MD. End result? This patient received a dose of IV lasix and was transferred to ICU. An hour later, I was able to go back to my routine with my other patients.

The most stable patient was the one who passed out in church. Although this patient was stable, she wasn't a low maintenance type of gal. She wanted to go home -- NOW. Where was the doctor? Why weren't her home meds ordered? Why weren't her meds given first thing in the morning? What were her test results? In this instance, you have to be patient and diplomatic. If that doesn't work, beg & plead with the doctor to discharge the patient as soon as possible.

Right when you think you're getting your day back on track, something is bound to happen. Patient #4 may decide to have chest pain (nitro SL x 3, STAT EKG, repeat VS, call MD), and #5 has uncontrolled pain (lidoderm patches are wonderful). Throw an admission and a discharge into the mix, and you have one busy day. Oh, and don't forget to discuss patient needs with doctors as they round, phone calls to/from pharmacy due to med concerns, and critical labs to be addressed.

How do you manage a typical med/surg day?

1. You need a good brain. No, not the one inside your skull, but the paper kind that keeps you organized. Everyone has their own system. Ask around, try different ones out, and then use what works for you.

2. Never take shortcuts when it comes to medications. Look up unfamiliar meds, follow all precautions, and always check your 5 rights (three times, every single time). You really need to have a healthy fear of the harm you can cause.

3. Learn to always trust the nagging voice inside your head. If something doesn't look or feel right, it probably isn't right. That was certainly the case with my first patient of the day, and I have many more examples just like that.

4. Remember the Golden Rule. This applies to patients, aides, pharmacy, PT/OT, dietary, RT, secretaries, MDs, housekeeping, transport, and anyone else I failed to mention. Most interpersonal conflicts can be avoided by being kind and showing respect to all you encounter.

5. Ask questions!! Yes, there are stupid questions, but don't let that stop you. I've earned a lot of respect from people by being willing to admit that I don't know all of the answers. The more questions I ask, the more I learn.

6. Use critical thinking. When I was in nursing school, I hated some of the critical thinking exercises we had to complete. Now, I can't say enough how important it is to stop & think about all that you are doing. Do you really want to give heparin to a patient with critically low platelets? Do you really want to give that oral diabetic medication to the patient who's blood sugars have been low & hasn't been eating much? What about the patient with back pain? Would a lidoderm patch help more than the narcs? (yes -- I love patches...)

7. Have a sense of humor! Don't take yourself too seriously. If you can laugh on a crazy, busy day, you'll manage much better.

Again, I never expected to love med/surg nursing. I thought I'd give it a try because I was always told that it is the best place for a new nurse to start. After a couple years, I have to agree with that advice. Med/surg nursing exposes you to a variety of medical/surgical conditions, AND it enables you to hone your organizational skills. It really does teach you how to nurse on the fly.

Thank you so much, DreamingTree, for sharing with us! It definitely sounds like you get a wide variety of experiences in Med Surg.

What do I do with myself now?

2010-05-13T09:04:00.001-05:00

Spring semester is over. I don’t have any other classes until July. This will be the longest break I have had from school since I started almost a year ago. I have been going non-stop since then and I’m not sure what I will do with all my free time. I am seriously considering taking another class during the first summer session to keep myself busy. I don’t need any other classes for my ADN (other than what I am already registered for and plan to take), but it might be smart of me to take some toward my BSN since I do plan on pursuing that at some point. I actually prefer to take whatever class I can online during a shorter semester.

Oh the other hand, it might be nice to have a break. If I don’t take one now, it will be another 2+ years before I get one. My kids and husband might appreciate the break even more.

And now, I wait

2010-05-12T11:39:00.000-05:00

I finished up my last final of the semester yesterday. It was in my A&P II class. I am sitting on the line between an A and a B so my A is riding on how well I did on the final. I need this A. If I don’t get it, I have to take the class over again in order to get enough points for my program which means that I won’t be able to apply for the Spring 2011 start. I feel that I did pretty well on my final so I am not too worried, but it is still at the back of my mind that I could possibly come up short. I’m trying not to think about it too much right now though or I know I will stress myself out more than necessary. (notice I said trying. I’m not sure that it’s working as I am pretty stressed about it)

I am also waiting for my social security card to come in. I’m pretty sure I haven’t mentioned (possibly because I was so pissed that I have pushed it out of my mind) that the birth certificate I couldn’t find? Yeah, I didn’t even need the damn thing. Just my driver’s license. I did ask the lady if she would please just pretend that she needed to see it though so I don’t feel like a complete moron for tearing my house apart looking for it, then paying the $55 to have it overnighted to me. I guess it helps to read the fine print. As soon as it comes in, I will be headed up to the school to get registered for my CNA class.

So now, I wait.

Have I mentioned that I HATE waiting?

Sunday’s Specialty – 1st Edition – Neurology Nursing

2010-05-09T07:39:00.001-05:00

I am so excited about this first edition. When I contacted Jo over at Head Nurse to see if she would be interested in contributing I was meet with an enthusiastic “hell yeah”. I was honored that she was so willing to share her expertise with us. She is an amazing blogger. She tells her stories with honesty and hilarity all in one. She loves her job and it shows. I absolutely love reading about her experiences and am so thrilled that she agreed to share the love with us.

So without further ado, here is our first edition of Sunday’s Specialty. A look into the world of Neurology Nursing brought to us by Head Nurse. After you read about it, head on over (no pun intended) to Head Nurse to read more about life in Neurology.

Neuroscience, or: Brains: They're not just for zombies any more

I am a neuroscience nurse. Brains and spines and peripheral nerves are what I do. I got into the field totally by accident and stay in it for two reasons: first, I love what I do; second, when you say, "I work in neuroscience" to a skeevy guy at a bar, he immediately fails to make any nurse-related jokes he had in store and instead looks at you with new respect.

Neuroscience is interesting. It's never the same two days in a row. It requires smarts, creativity, endless patience, and a certain level of steely determination. It also keeps you young, makes your skin clear and luminous, and improves the color and texture of your fur.

Okay, not really. But you do get to work with some amazingly smart people.

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS "NEUROSCIENCE" THING, ANYHOW?

Neuroscience is anything that has to do with the brain, the spinal cord, or the peripheral nervous system. Anything from brain tumors to spine injuries to strokes to MS, ALS, or CJD can fall under this category. Basically, if you have a problem in your central or peripheral nervous system, you're a neuroscience patient.

The fascinating thing about neuroscience is this: once a surgeon gets his fingers into your brain (as it were), everything else in your body is affected. I tell my patients who are recovering from brain surgery that their recovery process is very much like trying to walk on a sprained ankle: the portion of their body that's getting the most use is also trying to heal at the same time.

This means, realistically, that I have to be aware of everything from heart rhythms to electrolyte balances to muscle strength on an hour-by-hour basis. Brains and spines and nerves affect *everything*, so you have to be flexible and have strong nursing skills all around.

WHAT I DO ALL DAY

Basically, caring for the neurological or neurosurgical patient is the same as caring for any other patient, with a few little tweaks.

If it's a patient with a spine injury, a lot of what I do is focused on preserving or restoring any function the patient can have below the level of the injury. Skin care and physical therapy are huge in these cases, and the patients can be very labor-intensive--things tend to go wrong suddenly with high spine injuries.

If it's a patient whose post-op from having a brain tumor removed, there's a fine line I have to walk between pain control and sedation. There are also issues with salt-wasting and diabetes insipidus and seizure control, depending on where the tumor was. And, of course, there are hourly neuro status checks, to make sure that nothing's busted loose or changed inside the brain.

If it's an occlusive stroke I'm dealing with, there's the whole science behind balancing declotting the area with TPA versus not allowing a reperfusion injury to occur. If it's somebody who's got one-sided neglect, care can range from teaching them that one side of the universe still exists to moving everything in the room around to reinforce that concept.

If it's something that affects the peripheral nervous system, or something like MS or CJD, well, whole books have been written on nursing care in those situations. Let's just acknowledge that the nursing care for patients with peripheral nerve injuries or demylenating diseases is complex and creative.

WEIRD STUFF YOU WON'T SEE ANYWHERE ELSE

Drains coming out of people's backs. Drains coming out of their brains. Real live cases of mad cow disease, without the cow exposure. Strange things nobody can identify. Worms in brains. Foreign objects in brains. People drilling into other people's brains at the bedside.

THE UPSIDES AND DOWNSIDES

Let's cover the downsides first: both the patients and the doctors tend to be strange in the extreme. If you don't have a lot of patience for deciphering what your patient who can't talk is trying to say, and if you don't have a lot of patience for doctors who apparently weren't raised on this planet, you won't last long in neuroscience. The work is hard--sometimes physically as well as mentally challenging--and sometimes heartbreaking...but that's the same all over nursing.

The upsides to doing neuroscience are these: you never get bored. Neuroscience is something that garners more respect than other fields, because it's seen as the province of extremely smart people. It's sexy as hell. And, if you're a big ol' geek like me, you'll find yourself fitting in perfectly with the group of smart, geeky, curious people you work with.

SOUNDS GREAT! WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

As I said, I fell into this specialty entirely by accident. If you want to do neuroscience on purpose, though, I would recommend that you find a good teaching hospital with a good neurosurgery and/or neurology reputation to work at. I emphasize teaching hospital because you'll have a whole lot to learn, and teaching hospitals attract people who, well....like to teach.

Med-surg experience is not necessary before you go into this specialty. The care is weirdly different in a lot of ways from straight med-surg, so the two don't overlap much.

As far as education goes, a good grasp of where the brain is (on the top) and where the spine is (down the back) is really all you need. Protocols differ widely from facility to facility, so you're likely to learn everything you need to know, and then some, once you start work.

I love my job. It makes sense to me, what the brain does and how it affects the body. I love my coworkers: they're smart, funny, and insane. I love my patients, who show me all the weird quirks the human machine can develop after an injury to its computer system. I say to all of you who might be interested in neuroscience as a career, c'mon in! The CSF is fine.

Thank you so much Jo, for giving us an incredible look into the world of Neurology Nursing!!

Cause I'm hardcore like that

2010-05-06T12:34:00.000-05:00

I got my HESI Admission Assessment Exam review book in yesterday so I thought I would put it to some use.

Introducing....

2010-05-05T09:27:00.001-05:00

After some thought I decided to go ahead with my idea on a weekly post. If it works, great! If not, at least I tried right? Oh, and by the way, we are NOT calling this a meme. I have no idea what a meme is. To me, it sounds like some kind of strange animal.

So here’s the deal. Every Sunday I will be highlighting a different nursing specialty. There are so many options out there for nurses. I thought doing this would not only help me, but also any other pre-nursing or nursing students who might be reading my blog. It will give us a chance to see all the different aspects of nursing available to us, maybe even ones we have never considered before.

I am looking for some guest bloggers to help me out with this. Especially if you are already working in a particular specialty. There is nothing better than hearing it straight from someone who has the experience. If you are a nursing student who already knows where you want to end up and would like to guest blog about your chosen specialty, I would love to hear from you as well!

If you are interested in guest blogging about a specialty, you can contact me here for more details. Also, if there is a particular specialty you are interested in hearing about let me know!

P.S. For all my artsy readers, feel free to re-do the image at the top if you feel you can do a better job. It won’t hurt my feelings. Really.

How stupid can you be?

2010-05-03T14:21:00.000-05:00

Online courses seem to bring out the dumb in some people. I have had my frustrations over the past year taking online courses, from people who don’t use spell check, to the ones that use “text speak” – C’mon people, this is a college course you are taking – to the ones that simply cannot operate a computer. (My philosophy is that maybe they should require students to take a computer course, or pass some kind of computer competency test before allowing them to take a course that relies upon having computer skills but I digress.)

This one takes the cake though. I mean really? Who does crap like this? In my Art Appreciation class, we have to give our thoughts on a specific piece of artwork, or the artist, or even what they went through at the time. (key phrase here: our own thoughts). Pretty much par for the course in online classes: essays, discussions, more essays. Yesterday, as I was reading through the posts of my fellow cyber classmates, I came across a post from this chick. As I was reading it, my BS meter was going off pretty strongly. I remember her previous posts, and not to sound arrogant, but they were definitely NOT good, or at least not even as close to good as this particular post was. So being the untrusting soul that I am, I took the first sentence in her post, popped it into Google, and BAM! first result was word for word from Wikipedia, along with several other sources, all word for word. I take the second sentence of her post and this time the first result is a New York Times article from an art critic! Word.for.freakin.word.

Busted.

I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I called her on it. “I thought these discussions were supposed to be our own thoughts on the subject. I am interested in hearing what YOU think of this work” I realize that the teacher probably would have noticed it herself, I mean it was THAT obvious, but I couldn’t help myself.

I get so angry when I work my ass off to really look at the art (or whatever subject I might be studying at the time) and read my textbook and try to understand what I am looking at so I can form my thoughts into a semi educated discussion and some dumb girl plagiarizes her posts. Don’t you think I would rather copy some sentences from someone else and use that as my own post? It would definitely save me a hell of a lot of time.

If you are going to be that shady, then at least paraphrase what you find rather than posting it word for word so anyone can pick it up in Google and realize what a complete idiot you really are.

Possible idea - Weekly Post

2010-05-02T18:06:00.000-05:00

I have been pondering this idea for a few weeks now. Something that I wanted to start doing here on my blog every Sunday. I'm just not sure if I want to commit to it or not just yet. I don't want to turn this blog into another "homework" assignment and end up hating it.

I really think it would be helpful not only to myself, but possibly others out there like me, who are either getting ready to enter nursing school, are thinking about entering nursing school, or are maybe there already but don't know where they want to end up.

I'm still thinking on it. I really, really want to do it, but I just don't know if I will have the time to take on something like this or not. I also thought about having some guest posters every now and then for it too, but not sure if I could get anyone to do that or not.

I suppose I could just try it out for a few weeks and see how it goes.

Maybe I will start it next Sunday?